I'm so uncoordinated....

So I'm on day 4 of Turbofire and I have to say that I'm not sure if I'm in love with it yet.  I don't know it's because I'm self conscious of myself trying to do all of these choreographed moves, or because I'm still a little stuck in my rut. I guess I can say that really it just matters that I'm trying to eat a healthy diet and that I'm definitely trying to at least get THROUGH the workouts.  I know that I feel better after I'm done, I just worry that I haven't done enough work. I think with INSANITY I knew how much work I'd put in by the shear sweat pouring from my body and honestly wanting to die afterwards.  The only way I can describe Chalene Johnson in Turbofire is with a clip...here it is...

I crack up everytime I see this but thats just how she is! She's this awesome little nymph jumping around my screen doing backflips on my roundhouse kicks and uppercuts. Holy cow.

Anyway, I know that it's going to take time and HARD WORK to get the moves down and really feel like I'm giving my all. Last night Ryan (my husband) walked into the room as I was doing jabs and I yelled, "Go AWAY!" because a was embarrassed for him to see me sucking so bad at what I was trying to do.  Kickboxing is effing hard. SMILING while kickboxing is even harder, so I honestly think that those girls in the video are on some sort of drug.  I'm hoping to get myself a heart rate moniter or something to that effect so I can at least track how my calories are being burned so I know if I'm working hard enough.  Its going to just be a work in progress until I find what makes me feel good and until I get to that point where I KNOW I'm giving it my all. If you were to ask me which program I like better, which one is harder, etc I would answer this way. Turbofire so far is alright, but at least with INSANITY I knew that I was doing my best and working my hardest. INSANITY definitely is a harder workout WORK wise, but Turbofire is harder for me because I'm not that quick or coordinated.  Hope that made sense.

With that said, wish me luck because today is a 55 minute class and I might just throw up.  Have a great day!

It's crackling.....

Hey there...remember me? Yeah....sorry about that. It's been awhile. I don't know what happened or why I couldn't use this blog to get out all of the frustrations I've been having. Yeah, the depression is still there a bit...barely under the surface.  I've been trying to find ways to push it away and relieve some of the stress. I've been trying to do Yoga and breathing exercises, writing stuff down, the usual quick fixes. I've finally just succombed to the fact that I'm gonna have to start exercising again if I want to kick it in the butt! 

Tomorrow I am starting a NEW program called TurboFire! Its a high intensity cardio/dance/sweat-dripping-from-awkward-places type of program! I'll be honestly, the only reason I got it was because it was 50% off at www.teambeachbody.com. Otherwise, nuh uh...wouldn't have happened. Really this is bs. I never should have stopped exercising in the first place. I let all of my bs excuses get in my head and in my way and you want to know what I have to show for it? An extra 25 pounds and all of that blood, sweat and tears hard work down the drain.  Its time to start kicking butt again.

Wait a minute...did you think you were going to read through this latest blog post and escape the cheese factor? Think again friends....how silly and naive of you all;)  My daughter Lucy is a pill. One screaming, fighting, nail spitting, rough and tumble, know it all, back talking pill.  Her three favorite songs on this planet are:

Turn Me On-Nicki Minaj (great parenting there, huh?)
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds- The Beatles (there's a little redemption for you, but still egotistical on her part, stinker.) And,
Firework- Katy Perry

So remember a few month ago when I talked about music and the power and influence it can have over you?? A few weeks ago I was doing "Just Dance 2" with Lucy and we were dancing to that song and I was reading the lyrics that are on the bottom of the screen (as if dancing in a some-what coordinated pattern isn't hard enough for me.) Then I turned the music video on for her on YouTube and really listened to the lyrics....and I started to sob.  It hit REALLY close to home and honestly, it REALLY gave me that positive boost that I've desperately been searching for. Yeah, really.  Here they are:

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards,
One blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe"

You don't have to feel like a wasted space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe"

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through-ough-ough

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe"

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

Sorry, I realize that was REALLY long, but I didn't really want to cut any of it out. What awesome lyrics!  That song is right...it really has been inside of me this whole time. I've spent my whole life holding MYSELF back from the things I've always really wanted  for total fear of failure. I never did anything with my singing voice and now I feel as if it's too late. I never graduated college and now I will have to wait to go back. I never traveled like I wanted to. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade my life for the world, but yes...there is a little regret in there. I did what I had to do and put myself aside because I became something bigger and more important than myself. A mother.

I'm sure that I will have many more regrets in this life and I will probably still be worrying about little things that maybe I should've done differently in life when I'm 97 3/4 years old.  However, there is one regret that I vow never to have. I will not look back on my life and yearn over the years that I could've been better to my body and to myself. I will NOT look back and regret that I never worked out and that I was too lazy to fix the one thing I had total power over. Seriously, my kids will grow into the people they will ultimately be, with a little molding here and there, but I don't have control over that, just gentle guidance. I cannot control how my life will go or where we will end up in life.

I CAN control myself though. I CAN control my weight. I CAN control what goes into my body. I control me...no one else. 
So, having said all of that...here is my new theme song. Enjoy! 

I can't believe I'm writing this......

What do I really have to say for myself? What can I say that doesn't sound like a pathetic, washed up, ridiculous excuse? I feel as though this has been kind of a bare all, no holds barred blog before so why should that change now?  I guess by posting this I can finally shed some of this old, dead skin and start anew. So here it goes.

I feel like crap.  And not in the, "Ugh, I'm sick and need to lay in bed" type of crap. Crap as in I have felt nothing but worthless, lazy, downtrodden and contentious for months now.  This is not a new problem for me. I have definitely battled depression many times, for many years.  I know some of you may scoff at the idea of depression as "Oh, they just don't want to be happy," or "Why do they think they have anything to complain about?" Let me tell you a little secret. It has absolutely nothing to do with any of that. Here is a direct quote, from me, as posted on Facebook yesterday:

         "I have, without a doubt, the most wonderful life I could ask for. I am so thankful for the way life has turned out for me and for all of those unanswered prayers. I think if my life were absolutely perfect in every way, every day, that I could no longer grow, learn and adjust and that to me is a far worse fate than not having a lot of money in the bank or not having a fancy car, our own home or a perfect body. My life is perfect because it is not."

So don't think for a second that this comes from me not thinking I have a great life, because obviously I do.  I have battled this thing, on and off, for about 15 years.  I have taken pill after pill after pill without much progress. It definitely seems to come in 2-3 year waves.  3-4 years ago I was just about as deep into it as I've been and I came out on top. I haven't taken any kind of pill for 3 years now and I have actually felt like I could finally be done with this monster.  Well...here I am. I can feel it creeping back in.  It's starting to consume little aspects of me life. Little things....isn't that how things happen? It's like that metaphor with the frog and the boiling water. If you a frog into boiling water, it's going to jump right out, but if you put the frog into cold water and then turn on the heat, it's not going to know whats happening until its too late and it's literally and metaphorically in hot water and boiling to death.

I can say however that I am grateful for having prior experience with all of this. I now know the warning signs. I know that what I'm feeling isn't right and isn't healthy. And I know that if I don't put a damper on this particular flame that it's going to erupt into pure wildfire. 

I want to clarify that I am in no sense a danger to myself or to my family.  And honestly, I cannot believe that I am actually writing all of this down for the world to see. I am hoping, almost against hope, that this will help me climb from the black, sticky pit and get on with my wonderful life. That sounded super sarcastic, but it was not meant to.  I hate feeling like this pit inside is keeping me from the most wonderful thing I have ever been given....my life.  I am missing out on the most wonderful, beautiful thing I will ever have.  My children will suffer. My marriage will suffer.

As I was "researching" depression online and how to combat it naturally I was hit with an army of bad advice, ridiculous advice and some not-so-ridiculous advice.  Going with the lesser of evils, I decided to look into some of the no-so-ridiculous advice and I was kinda/sorta/not really surprised at the number one answer on each list I found. Are you ready? Drum roll please...........

EXERCISE!!! Cue the confetti and balloons! Cue the music! Cue the tears!

OK not really....but really!  DUH!!!!!!!!!

It was as if the multiple epiphanies all hit me at one and I may have actually seen God at one point. (Was that a little blasphemous?)  I thought back to just when I started feeling these things....not one, but just over 2 months ago.  Hmmmm...Sounds just about the time that I stopped exercising almost everyday.  So, you're telling me that the reason I've felt so wonderful the whole last YEAR is because I was exercising? Sounds like I already have my answer.  Honestly, I have never felt better than I have in this last year. I lost all of that weight, I had a new son, I was so healthy and I cared about my health.  I still do....but proof is in the pudding right? Literally in the pudding in this case.  In the last 2 1/2 months, I have gained 15 pounds back, stopped eating healthy (for the most part), and stopped exercising.  No WONDER I feel like crap! I don't care who you are, when your "skinny" clothes that you were so excited to buy don't fit right anymore, it freaking sucks. 

So, one day at a time here.  Yesterday I had a wonderful, hilarious, OULA inspired dance party with my kids and today I'm sore. Maybe, if it's not disgustingly smokey (as it has been for over a month now here) I will go running tonight.  Maybe, just maybe I can remember how wonderful I felt and start mountain climbing the crap out of this hole. 

Simba...it is time.  I cannot let myself be the frog.

Round 2....ish

Day one...again.

Plyometrics, I hate your guts. The worst part about this is that after taking a pathetic, hectic, crazy, hot month off, I seriously feel like it's day 1 all over again. But I'll tell you something else. It felt amazing. I was in the best mood I've been in in weeks.  I was dripping sweat, chugging water...man it felt good!  I'm not sure if I should continue this blog.  All of you who read this know pretty much everything about me and my insanity by now. Should I continue? Should I keep spilling my thoughts and feelings and insecurities all over the Internet?

I feel the insecurities creeping back up inside of me. I'm not strong enough, good enough....
I don't have the will. I don't have the drive. I'm too busy.  Well, right now I'm writing a blog. Earlier I played on Pinterest for 35 minutes.  Nah...I'm not too busy, I just choose to be lazy.  Here's another thing. I do not have time to sit down and prepare a meal JUST FOR ME while still having to concentrate on feeding 4 other people.  I'm just gonna eat whatever the heck I want. Within reason of course. I'm not gonna go out and buy McDonald's and dip it in Mac n Cheese if you were wondering. No, I'm going to limit my portions, drink lots of water and every time I find my face in my fridge out of sheer boredom, I'm gonna slam the door...right on my face.  Would putting mousetraps in the chip bag be too extreme? Maybe I just won't buy them anymore....decisions, decisions.

I think more than anything I'm just going to have to suck it up and do it. I think my kids might actually thank me for it in the long run like, "Mom...remember way back when you were doing those workouts and you were actually nice to us and didn't yell all of the time?"  Maybe that's a little dramatic, but we'll see!

I am so thankful for the family and friends I have. They teach me new things everyday. It's sad that some days I have to remind myself to be grateful and to remember little moments. Today Ryan was holding Lucy and they were flying a kite together and it was just beautiful. I don't want to forget moments like those. I don't want to get so consumed with myself and looking good and always worrying about what I'm eating that I forget to stop and stare at the things that matter.  Sure, my health definitely matters, but not more than my children and my husband.  I take care of myself FOR them, but my fitness doesn't define me. THEY define me and I desperately hope that one day they WILL look back and say, "Man, my mom was amazing."

Truth be told I don't know why I just wrote all of that. Maybe it's just the most prominent thing on my mind these days, to be grateful for what you have.  A high school teacher once told me, "Don't sweat the small stuff." As in, I don't have to yell at Lucy 18 times to get her underwear on.  I don't have to yell at Kara to pick up her room or do the dishes for the 300th time...well...maybe on the 300th time because seriously, it should only take 1 or 2. I seriously just need to chill and relax and stop controlling every little thing and worrying about every OTHER little thing. It's exhausting. THAT'S what I don't have time for. I DO have time to work out. I DO have time to play with the kids. I WILL have time, someday, to sit back and relax and enjoy a sunset with out the soundtrack of screaming, fighting children.  And you know what else? Someday I'm really gonna miss this.  Love what you have, when you have it. Embrace life and life's lessons. Maybe my lesson is just to let go...life is good....life is fine.  Breathe in...breathe out...open eyes...conquer day.

This, right here, is my world and what I strive to keep for all time.

It's a pity party, and everyone's invited!

I've got to tell you all that I haven't felt very good these last few weeks.  I feel like I've totally lost my drive, my will, and dedication.  I feel terrible, I've been eating terribly and my mood hasn't been the greatest.  I've been totally unwilling to get my workout clothes on and get something done. I'd like to blame it on the heat, but I know that it's just me being lazy.  I think I've lost my accountability.  Gosh, this blog really makes me seem bi-polar. One week I'm fantastic and I feel great and I'm totally motivated, and the next time you hear from me it's totally opposite.

I've spent a lot of time the last couple of weeks wishing for things that I don't have.   I wish I had new furniture, new towels, new clothes, new dishes, etc.  I haven't been very grateful for the things I do have lately.  I feel as though I'm seriously lacking in just about every aspect of my life.  And I think more than anything, getting to write everything down and "vent" helps me with my own frustrations and insecurities. Somehow getting my problems out, whether you want to read them or not, helps me re-inspire myself.  So, as this one isn't really about my fitness or health, you can choose to keep reading, or go back to Pinterest ;) 

I have spent a good portion of my life and time comparing my life to those around me. Secretly of course. Sometimes it slips through in a comment like, "I wish my hair would look as cute as hers," or "I wish I could decorate my house like that," etc.  But most of the time I keep it to myself.  There are times when I try really hard to justify my feelings/wants without much success because I know that there are things that some people have worked very hard for. Then there are things that I feel come "easily" and "naturally" to other people. Things in which I will probably never acquire.  I have this friend. She is an AMAZING artist, an amazingly sweet, caring soul, a marathon runner AND an all around good person and friend and she says I'm inspiring?? I should be so lucky to be more like her. She has worked for everything she has. Not many people can say that. I certainly can't. She is more of an inspiration to me than I could ever hope to be for anyone else!  She has always been herself and always stuck to what she's believed in and has rocked it.  I've been trying too hard to be someone else my whole life and here I sit at age 30 just wondering what in the heck I'm really trying to accomplish.

I never finished college, I never have a clean enough house, my kids are never well-enough behaved, I'm never dressed well or done up.  I still sit and talk like an awkward teenager. I still cry over the stupidest things and I even feel self conscious having a conversation with my sister because I'm afraid I'll use the wrong grammar or spell something wrong in front of her. I never feel pretty enough and even when I do, I let dumb little comments get to me and it goes right out the window.  I'm always aware that someone may be looking at me and judging me. And as I sit here and cry to myself over all of the things that I am not, I keep telling myself (hoping it will make me feel better,) that I am human.  This is just about as sorry as I've felt for myself in a long time and I guess it's OK.

I guess it's OK because I know that tomorrow is a brand new day and even at 3 pm, there's still plenty of hours left in the day to turn my attitude around, wipe my tears and get over it.  Setbacks are setbacks and yes, they're frustrating and sometimes they feel like they really put the breaks on life. I kinda sorta hate this phrase--->Take life one day at a time. How the hell else am I supposed to take life?? Every single day happens for a reason and I can either take it or take it.  You read that right.  There's not really any other option, right?  I can handle each day as I'm going to be able to handle it and you know what?  Every terrible day I've ever had in my whole life.....I've made it through.  I'm still here.

There are really a lot of days where I get annoyed having to tell myself, "Just be grateful that..." or "I can be thankful for...." Sometimes I just don't want to hear it from myself.  Deep breath.  OK, was that enough ranting? Was there enough raving?  Do you feel sorry for me? I hope you don't because I don't deserve it.  I can change every single stupid thing I've complained about here and I know I'm just being a defeatist and being a lazy pile.  I have every opportunity to be happy and to fix the things I think are a problem.

I may not have a lot of money to go out and buy new everything, but even if I did, would I be happy? Would those materialistic things make me truly happy?  Maybe for a time, but guess what? New things get old too.  Eventually my new things will get the wear and tear of life on them and they won't be so impressive anymore.  I will tell you the things that make me truly happy (maybe I can really convince myself today too :)

#1. My husband. He's all mine and I'm all his.
#2. My naughty, stinky, screaming, crying, insane, hysterical, wild, crazy little hilarious toddler. She makes me grateful that she has such a strong personality because I know she'll do just fine in life.
#3. My beautiful, strong, up and coming independent, amazing pre-teen. Her strength and conviction and caring soul is exactly what the world needs right now.
#4. My cuddly, beautiful, loving little boy. He truly makes me feel needed.
#5. Watching these 3 crazy kids truly enjoy life, learn and grow everyday. They are healthy and happy.
#6. Music. Self explanatory
#7. My faults. No one is perfect, why should I expect to be?

There are many more, but these are really the most important.  So here I go, off to clean my messy house.  Life is not perfect, nor do I believe that it's supposed to be. A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor. I'm not a good parent because my kids are easy. I'm a good parent because I have learned how to deal with 3 VERY different, awesome personalities. I am not a good wife because I think I need to do whatever my husband wants WHEN he wants, but because I can stand up for myself, live with and love his faults and appreciate all of the hard work and dedication/devotion he shows us.

Life will go on and it's just up to me to make it the way I want it.  I realize this has been long, and a little drawn out, but I truly appreciate you reading this, sticking with me and hopefully still loving me for who I truly am.  You are all way more inspiring than I could ever be and I am grateful.

60 days is up!

OK guys. 60 days is up. Did I work out for 60 days? No. I still have two weeks worth of workouts to do! I think between the sickness, the heat, having company and other little things I went a little astray. I would rather come clean and let you all know that no, I didn't finish within the 60 days, but I sure do plan on kicking my butt and getting it done!! I was definitely thrown off course by getting sick and I feel so guilty that I didn't actually finish within the time frame. I will however, continue now that life is back to normal!

I will say however, that I did run my SECOND 5K race on Saturday and did way better than I thought I would! I ran it in 35:10 which is  about 2:30 seconds faster than my first 5K. Here's the proof (as silly as it is!! So glad thousands of people get to see this photo LOL!)

This is hilarious. I totally knew the photographer was there and I tried to smile all cute and charming and this is what I got. Maybe I should have gone for serious and determined?? Who knows, I probably would've looked like Gollum had I gone that route!  At least I was having fun! I didn't quit. I didn't stop and I finished better than I thought I would, so that right there is enough.

As far as Insanity goes. It's been a life-changing 60 days.  I have gone through such a wide array of emotions just with this one program that it's easy to look back now and say, "Ah, it wasn't a big deal." But it was. It was/is a huge deal. I finally discovered all of the amazing things my body could do with just a little pushing! I remembered how to feel. I remembered why I am important.  I found my "why."  I am not an athlete, but I am human. I feel, I love, I loathe, I self-critique, I celebrate.  I didn't quite earn the title of "Insaniac" yet, but I will.  It's taken awhile to realize that I'm OK.  My sister and I were talking a month or two ago about not getting obsessed and if it's ever going to be enough.  It's enough that I am that much closer to where I want to be. It's enough that I care. It's enough that I feel good enough to not constantly think about how my body looks.  It's so easy to over-analyze and criticize the way I look.  And then I remember, who even really cares besides me? I don't have a single soul on earth to impress.  I'm very happily married. I have 3 beautiful children.  I'm set for life!  I care about my health for my family.  I care about myself and fitness because it makes me happy and helps me relieve daily stress.  And yes, as much as I love my life, it's stressful.  So as far as two weeks worth of Max Interval/Max Cardio/Max Plyo workouts go, I'm good to go.  So as promised (and as embarrassing as this is going to be,) I have some "final" results to post! Here goes.....
I lost 5 pounds
I lost  1 1/2" off of my arms
I lost 1 1/2" off of my waist
I lost 2" off of my hips
I lost 1/2" off of my thighs
and I lost 3 1/2" off of my chest.  That's a total of 9 inches since I started Insanity. My weight has fluctuated quite a bit and I will tell you that even though the numbers don't sound that impressive, I have definitely toned up. It is evident that I build muscle super fast!  Had I finished the last two weeks, my numbers I'm SURE would be better, but these are after taking 2 weeks off.  So, here are my before and after photos. Please try not to regurgitate. And if you do, please don't tell me LOL!
Drum roll please!!!!

Before, taken approx April 25, 2012

After, taken July 9th, 2012

So there ya have it folks.  This does not mean that my journey has ended, it has just begun.  I need to maintain this outlook on life if I really want to succeed! I am happier, healthier and I know now that my body is capable of incredible things, both physically and emotionally. 

Insanity Round 2....bring it on.



Desperation and Defeat.

Well it happened. Sorry to disappoint you all but it happened. I totally lost my motivation. I have made every excuse I can think of as to why I haven't worked out since Tuesday. It's too hot, the kids are insane, I've been too busy, it gets too late, I've been too tired, my feet hurt, my knees hurt, my heart hurts....You know what? I have one excuse. I'm just plain lazy.  I let me get the best of me.  I haven't totally given up, I want you to know that.  I realize how totally uninspiring this is and how I've built up all this hype for nothing.  And do you want to know what the worst part is? I would've been done next week.  I seriously would've had 7 workouts left and then my final fit test.  Now, because I have slacked off and been such a lazy, worthless piece of garbage, I get to do 3 whole weeks over again.  And I'm willing to accept that because I know it's nobodys fault but mine.  My diet really has gone to crap, my motivation and drive has totally fizzled and I'm 100% discouraged, disenchanted and disgusted with myself. 

Poor me, poor me, poor me.  I need the drive to finish. I need to stop making excuses again. I need to close my eyes, take a break and take a good hard look at myself and what I'm feeling. What am I feeling?  I'm feeling the stress of not feeling good enough. I'm feeling the daily stress of 3 kids and a messy house. I feel like I've totally lost control over my life/house/kids.  I don't feel adequate.  I don't feel like I do a good enough job.  So I find myself asking what the point is? What is the point when my son won't let me put him down for an hour everyday? What is the point if my 2 yr old daughter will do nothing but scream the moment I need or want to do my workout? What is the point if I have to stay up until midnight or later every night just to finish it, only to be woken up an hour later?  I cannot log jump over my baby. I cannot heisman with a 2 yr old pulling on my pants. I cannot do level 2 drills with a 10 yr old yapping at me.  Obviously I get very angry when anyone attempts to talk to me, let alone walk through the room in which I am currently occupying. I turn into a vicious, horrible beast mom. I snap, I say mean things and I get super mad. So what is the point? That isn't who I want to be. I do not want to get to a point where a workout is more important then my kids or how I treat my kids and husband.  Ok, are you ready to hear my try and convince myself why it matters and convince myself that there really IS a point?

Lets see.

#1. I don't ever want to hate the way I look/feel again. I don't want to always have it in the back of my mind that people judge me by the way I look. I don't want to feel like the ugly duckling in the room anymore.

#2. I don't want to die young of a disease I could've prevented simply by taking care of myself.

#3. I want my kids to be happy and healthy and to NEVER have to feel how I have felt most of my life about my body. It's unhealthy not only for the mind, but for the soul. I want/need them to always feel comfortable in their own skin.

#4.  I want to look the best I can look for my husband. I know that he would never/never has been/never will be embarrassed of me, but why risk it?  I secretly like thinking that people think he has a hot wife (Tmi? too bad.)

#5.  Theres really only so much stress I can handle and if it takes working out and sweating like a disgusting pig and spitting and swearing and cursing the universe to get it out, then so be it.  I'd rather take my stress out on the universe then my family. They deserve SO much better than my bad temper.

#6.  I so desperately need to say that I finally finished something positive in my life. It may not be a big flippin' deal to anyone else, but it is to me and I will finish. 

#7.  No more fat jokes.

#8.  NOT SHOPPING IN THE WOMENS SECTION AT AGE 30!!!!!!!

#9. Ripping my pants while attempting to show off my muscles rather than ripping my pants sitting down because I'm too fat.

#10. Finally saying that I earned it.

Ok, are you convinced yet? I think I am.  I cannot let myself fail totally again. I've tripped and stumbled. That's all this is.  If any of you are looking for an inspirational movie, watch "Run, Fatboy, Run." with Simon Pegg, Thandie Newton and Hank Azaria.  I absolutely adore that movie.  I need to be like Dennis and keep going. I need to WORK for what I want. I need to prove myself to ME.  I need to prove it to the naysayers and show them that I am more than just talk.  I may not have dropped a ton of weight or flattened my tummy, but the cliche' is true. It took longer than 2 months to put it on, it's gonna take longer than 2 months to work it off.  I have lost a few inches and dropped a few pounds and I definitely look better, so that should be motivation enough to just keep going. Suck it up or shut up, right? Yep. So here I go. I'm gonna suck it up, move past this crap and finish what I started.  Then I'm going to eat a cheeseburger.

On that note, here is something hilarious that happened to me the other night. I went out with some friends to sing Karaoke and we started talking about Insanity and how toned my muscles are getting, especially my legs. So as I'm attempting to pull my capri pant leg up, it totally rips and hilarity ensues. I will forever remember the night that I hulked out to a point that I ripped my pant leg...want proof? Lucky I have friends who take awesome pictures;) Enjoy...just don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Lists

Honestly, I don't even know why I'm sitting here right now. I'm exhausted. It's 12:33 am, I've just finished Core Cardio and Balance, calmed down a hysterical toddler and finally taken a shower.  So really, I should be in bed dreaming peacefully of the zombie apocalypse. That seems to be the only thing I can dream about these days. Not in a good way. Maybe I'm too paranoid and anxious in my every day life and that's how it's manifesting? I don't know. ANYWAY MOVING ON.

Over the last week it has come to my attention that I have absolutely no will power.  And that I lose motivation really fast.  I'm actually pretty suprised with myself that it's taken this long to tank.  Fear not, friends. I'm still chugging along with my Insanity, but school ending, being sick, Fathers Day, etc has really thrown me off my game!  I missed 4 workouts. Not just any workouts. MAX workouts. Ugh.  So not only am I trying to jump back in and stay motivated and keep on truckin, I have to do it doing the hardest workouts in the program.  The thing is is that they're really not that hard. I can do most of the moves, but as I think I mentioned in a previous post, that 1/2 hr mark hits and I'm exhausted and dripping sweat and I look at the timer on the screen and it says I have 25-30 minutes left. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Ok...just keep going."  I believe I've said this phrase a lot (plus or minus a few swear words) in the last couple of weeks.  I think it was last Friday and I was doing Max Interval Circut and I swear I sobbed the last 10 minutes of the exercise. Sobbed.  I was so tired. My muscles were so fatigued.  It was late at night. It all came together and I lost it.  I cried during my pushups, I cried doing plank work, I sobbed through the last stretches. I was a HOT MESS.  I cried for a good 5 minutes afterwards too.  I know that a lot of it is because I was so tired, but exercise is a great stress reliever. By the time I was done crying, I realized how much better I felt and how letting go and just crying and working and sweating and swearing totally relieved my stress. For that day:)


Anyway, as I have done these last couple of workouts, trying desperately to catch up and get back into it, I've realized that I actually missed it. I, me, myself...missed working out.  Um, where's Liz and what have I done with her? I have transformed my former, lazy, self-loathing self into a more efficient, hard working, self-loving powerhouse.  Giggity.  So, to get myself back into it FULL SWING, I have compiled a few little lists/rules to print out and follow everyday. They are as follows:

Foods Banned From my House:

Spicy Buffalo Wing flavored pretzel bits from Snyders of Hanover--->death of me
Mac n Cheese--->Disclaimer: I cannot be blamed for eating a bite of the kids'
Fun sized ANYTHING-->Hersheys...you complete me
Soda--->death trap in a can..yet so...so delicious.

Good Motivators

Your happiness does not come from a number on a scale (still working on this one)

Don't complain about all of your clothes being too big...at least they're not all too small!!

As long as you keep pushing play and pushing through, you've succeeded

People love you for you, not your body. And if they do love you for your body, they don't really love you. (Fickle friends love fickle things)

Food is awesome, but don't let it become your master.

Friends, if I can do this, so can you. Find something you love and do it!  Change your world, change yourself if you aren't happy. I did, and I did it in a way that I never thought would appeal to me.  More importantly, love yourself.  Life happens. Live your life! Earn your life! Enjoy your life! 

12 workouts left. Bring it.

First Max workout week.

OK, So, this week has been super hard for me and I'm sorry that I haven't done a blog sooner than this one! Kara got out of school this week and our schedule is totally screwed up now.  Actually, let me just really start by saying that;

DISCLAIMER:  I am super sick with an upper respiratory infection. I cannot breathe, speak or sleep comfortably therefor I missed Saturdays workout and I might miss today's. :( Having said that, I want you to know that this is the longest I've gone without exercise in 6 weeks! It's killing me! Its making me feel guilty and useless and I really DO need that release to feel energized and better about everything.

OK, so going back to the work outs that I've been doing.  These max workouts that I've been doing are not necessarily harder than all of the previous ones, it's that they're so much longer.  With the previous ones, 35-40 minutes and you're done and exhausted.  With these ones its more like, "Wait...I STILL have 30 minutes to go!?" That's when you really need to start digging deeper (as Shaun T likes to say.)  You really have to start pushing yourself and I have felt more than once this week that I've only been giving it 50% because of blah blah blah....you know what? I've been giving it MY 100%.  I've pushed play everyday. I've finished these super long, exhausting workouts and you know what else? I'm sore. My ribs and stomach are sore.  Because it's working.  The weight I think at this point is maintaining and my fat is being turned into muscle. My inches are kinda staying the same, but I can tell that they are leaner and way more defined.  My stomach is starting to form. My legs are very lean and muscular, my arms are bangin' (you like that?)  I've got a serious gun show over here.

I think the part that is the hardest for me at this point is still getting over my self-doubt.  I still see a heavy girl in the mirror some days. I still get super self conscious wearing certain things. I still feel like I'm not good enough some days.  There are some days I seriously think that people are looking at me like I'm trying too hard to fit in.  We are our own worst critics.  There are days that I really want to just give up....today is one of them.  I feel like this infection has really put a halt on my motivation and drive.  What if I can never get back into it because I'm taking time off. (I guess instead of time, I should say 2 workouts.)  I don't want to miss anymore workouts but I physically cannot do them. As soon as I start breathing harder, I start coughing like crazy and it really does hurt:(

This sounds so negative.  Sorry!  I guess maybe I just feel like if I don't stay consistent with my workouts, then I'm cheating.  Which is dumb I guess because if I cannot do the workouts, I can't cheat...maybe that didn't come out right?  OK, so enough with the negativity. I'm going to tell you all what I did this week that was a big step for me!

I hiked the M.  All the way.  For the first time in 10 years.  Is anyone impressed? Buhler?  For those of you who don't know what the "M" is, it's a huge cement "M" on the side of Mount Sentinel. For example.....

There it is...Right up there on the mountain...Pretty place I live, eh?  Anyway, the "M" hike is 3/4 mile long, but steep. It consists of 11 switchbacks and you gain 620 feet in elevation!  The view is awesome from the top...for example:

Now this isn't a view of the whole city, but you get the picture (nice pun, huh?)  This has been a big goal for me since starting out on my health kick.  I did it. Kara and I made it to the M! It would've been a bit easier if Kara hadn't whined the whole way up about her legs, lungs, sweat, etc...

She has quite the flare for dramatics....I can't imagine where she gets it;)

Here's an awesome self portrait of me laying on the M.

My view from the top!

So there ya have it folks. That's whats up with me.  PS, I'd love to have more comments/feedback about this whole thing if you're interested!  Let me hear you!  And one more picture that I think is a great reminder for all of us having self doubts and worries......

It doesn't matter what you look like, you're you and you are beautiful!

A League of Their Own

"Of course it's hard.  It's supposed to be hard.  If it were easy, everybody would do it.  Hard it what makes it great."

I found that quote on Pinterest the other day and I can't stop thinking about it.  What I'm doing is hard.  It is hard to change how you've thought about yourself and your life and your relationship with food. It is a demon I've had to fight these last few months.

I met up with a great group of girls last night for the end of a little competition we were having. It was a "Biggest Loser-esque" friendly competition among friends.  Who ever did the "best" won the pot as we all put in 5 bucks. I came in 3rd so at least I can say that I broke even:) That's beside the point. We ALL worked our butts off...almost literally.  We all accomplished something we wouldn't have if we'd sat on the couch eating bon bons. (I might have to add that to my bucket list...anyone know where I can get some Bon Bons?)  We went around the table to share what we'd learned or how we did what we did the last 8 weeks or so.  When it was my turn, I think I kind of had a hard time expressing what I wanted to say.  I basically said that I've learned that this has to become a complete lifestyle change. I've had to change the way I think about food and how it makes me feel.  I've had to make my workouts an important part of my day.  I said how it doesn't feel like a chore and that I actually DON'T hate exercising (even as much as I say that I hate INSANITY workouts, I don't.) I have a massive love/hate relationship with them.  I told one friend that the thing I love about Insanity is that yeah, the work outs are really hard, but it's nothing that you cannot do.  Your body is able to do every single one of these work outs.  They're not asking you to hike Mt Everest or Tom Cruise the side of a sky scraper.  It's YOU using YOUR body to CHANGE your body.  It's strength and cardio all mixed together so you don't even realize what you're doing to your body until its done. I've had mornings where I've woken up and said..."Um...I didn't even know I had that muscle."

That's another thing I've noticed.  I can tell that my muscles are starting to define.  I feel lighter. I can do things SO much easier than before.  My stamina has really increased and my fit test results are getting better and better!  I still have terrible, "poor me" days. Everyone does so I'm not really that special.  What is special is that I can do it. I can do it.  Fitness has never, ever, never ever been a part of my life unless it was forced in school.  I realized that after I had Joseph and starting losing weight, I NEVER wanted to go back to how terrible I felt everyday. How depressed I would get trying on clothes. How disgusting I felt even after eating a healthy dinner.  That is TOTALLY backwards and screwed up. 

I'm not going to sit here and tell you all that I don't care about looking good.  It's natural. I do want to feel attractive and pretty and I do want to keep this self confidence.  I told a different friend last night that really the #1 driving factor through all of this is my health. I want to be healthy. I want to make good choices and teach by example.  I do not want my kids to ever have to worry about obesity. And I definitely do not ever want my kids or family to worry about my health because I never did anything to combat illnesses related to being over weight. 

My point is, MAKE IT PART OF YOUR LIFE.  I got home at 10:45 last night after our get together.  Yuck. 10:45? No thanks. So you know what I did? I got my damn work out clothes on and pressed play. I did the hardest hour long work out I've ever done. Wanna know why? Because I finally matter.  Because it's hard and it's important and that's what makes it great. 

Recovery Week

Ahhhhhhhhh.......

RE-COV-ERY week.  This is the one week where we get to "rest" and let our muscles "recover."  We are doing Core Cardio and Balance and although it's not as bad as I thought it would be, it's still sweat inducing.  I'm not sure if I can really say that it's satisfying. After 4 weeks of kicking my butt, I don't feel finished at the end. I guess that's the point. You're supposed to have worked-out, but you shouldn't be exhausted by the end. 

I have to admit that I'm discouraged.  4 1/2 weeks of working hard, eating well, pushing myself, pushing play and I'm not seeing the results I want.  I've lost about 3 pounds and about 1/2 inch from all of the measurements I took. I didn't expect to look like I super model, but I thought maybe a little more weight, a few more inches, etc. Again...why am I doing this and why is it worth it? My knees hurt, I'm tired...blah blah blah.  I guess you can say that I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself. I had a discussion the other day with someone about how a negative person will always just find the negative in anything, regardless of how good something is.  I feel like that today. The last few days actually.  I don't feel good enough.  I don't feel adequate.  I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything significant.

I'll tell you why.  Because I don't want to sit on the couch anymore. I don't want to shop in the WOMEN'S section at age 30.  I'm doing all I can to fight obesity, diabetes, heart disease, etc.  So I'm having a crappy, "poor-me" day. Crying and moaning about it doesn't change it.  I don't want to work-out tonight because I KNOW my knees will hurt.  I KNOW that I'll probably still be discouraged after I step on the scale in the morning. I KNOW that I'll feel even worse if I don't just suck it up and do it.

My daughter said something to me this morning that I should write down and carry with me. 

DISCLAIMER: I realize that I shouldn't talk about my struggles with my body with a 10 yr old impressionable girl. I get that it could mess with her body image and I really try to emphasize that I'm not doing this to be skinny and beautiful, but that I'm doing this to be healthy and happy.

OK, having said that, here is what she said.
"Mom, you don't look like all of the other moms. Maybe you're just as skinny as you're supposed to be right now and that's just OK."  That's some pretty deep insight from a pre-teen.  That has really stuck with me all day.

  I've been thinking about how angry I've been lately and how quick my temper has gotten.  Why is it SO hard for me to immediately see things in a positive light? It's because I have always been a negative person.  I have always just assumed the worst, let that self-doubt get to me and I have given up.  I told you all from the beginning that I would have great days and that I would have bad days. I never promised that all of my blogs would be sunshine and rainbows.  I really have been very close to tears all day and the only thing that has held them back has been my disdain for having self pity.  I am SO over playing the victim in life.  Sometimes it creeps back in, I'm not gonna lie.  Sometimes I feel like it would just make things easier for me if I just felt sorry for myself and made everyone around me miserable. It would seem easier than pretending to be happy and cheerful and happy-go-lucky. Truthfully, sometimes it is easier. But it never makes me feel better. It never fixes the problem.  Putting on a happy face and forcing myself to see the positive and good in everything has started to change my everyday perspective.  Sound a little new-age? I don't care.  It's not hurting me to breathe deeper. It's not hurting me to take a second and close my eyes and focus. Goosfraba, right? I so hate that word. Hakuna Matata is even more annoying. From now on, I'm just gonna close my eyes, breathe deeply and say, "Butter."

Month 1 and DONE!

OK, I have now deleted what I've written 3 times. I'm not sure how I want to go about this post because there are so many things I want to talk about! Maybe I'll just break it down into little sections so it doesn't become a mindless ramble of my "7-hours-on-the-road-train-of-thought." 

First order of business.
           I finished a whole MONTH of Insanity only skipping ONE workout totally without bothering to make it up.  I feel like it's OK that I skipped yesterday as I was on the road all day trying to get home and by the time I even thought about doing it, it was 10 pm and I was exhausted.  That is 4 weeks of pushing play, pushing myself, crying, sweating, swearing. Done. I feel amazing and I cannot wait to see how I feel in another 5 weeks! (Not to mention how I'm gonna look!)

Secondly.
          Music.  I don't think there is anything as inspiring in life as music. The list of emotions that music can pull from you is very long.  Music can make you laugh, cry, ache, love, hurt, joyful, pensive...it's almost endless.  I mention music because it's the one thing we can count on to back us up. Really! How many times have we blasted music to fuel our emotions when we're angry, happy, pumped up, sad?  If you're unmotivated. Turn on some music. Start dancing around the house and go crazy! No one can see you and you'll feel great afterwards.  Of all the music I listened to on my trip there were two pretty cheesy songs that totally pumped me up and brought me a little more perspective. They are"

 Jason Mraz: The Remedy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0x1yBiFiUw

The lyrics are great. My favorite line is this, "You can turn off the sun, but I'm still going to shine..."

Why worry your life away?  Then there's this one.

Christina Aguilara: Fighter
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PstrAfoMKlc

OK, so the video is weird. As I listened to the lyrics of this song and sang along and the only person I could think of while I was singing this was.....myself. I would never be where I am today if I hadn't been who I was before. Read the lyrics.  Right here is the anger that fuels my fire.

Third thing.
        Compliments are SO humbling..and awesome. I saw family this weekend that I haven't seen in a few years and I was so humbled and grateful for the compliments that I received.  It felt amazing. Better than I've felt in years.  For the first time in years I didn't feel invisible.  Most of you that know me know that I've always been a little bit of an attention hog.  So I will selfishly and shamelessly say right now that I loved it. OK, modesty is back now.

Last thing.
        I think I have said this before, but I am so surprised and humbled by the effect my blog has had on people. I never thought that I could/would inspire others. I started this to keep myself accountable and sometimes even vent.  I am amazed at the positive response I've received from all of this.  I am grateful that others want to get back on track and start Insanity or even just start being healthier. Really truly from the bottom of my heart.  You all inspire me to keep going and to keep pushing.  I feel as though if I were to give up now or start slacking, it would all have been for nothing.

Keep pushing play. Keep making healthy choices. Kick your own butt.  Kill your self-doubts and do it. I have and I'm still getting stronger every day.  It's not a chore, it's a habit.  Your health IS important. YOU are important. YOU matter!  Whatever demons you need to fight, keep fighting.  One day at a time, right? Right.

Sense of Serenity

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and Wisdom to know the difference.

These last few days have been a whirlwind!  My beachbody coach, Kristen asked us all to think of a goal we'd like to accomplish in the next week or so. My goal was to finish my workout everyday that my company is here! Usually, I get the kids down for the mid day nap, bust out my Insanity and shower just in time for them to wake up, but since we have company staying with us, this hasn't been do-able. Saturday I KNEW was going to be a super busy day, so I went for a run instead and ran my 2 miles 5 minutes faster than I usually run it, just since starting Insanity! That's incredible to me! Then Sunday, we went shopping for a little while just to get out of the house and I was able to try on some clothes. Not only did I get to try on clothes, the clothes I put on were 1-2 sizes smaller than what I have been wearing the last few months. So, having said that, here is an amazing example of just how far things have come since I had Joseph.....

Remember this pictures? Wedding day 2009? Yeah...check this out suckers....

Yep, that's the same ugly brown dress I was wearing in the above photo...which was TIGHT on me.  That little white beauty right thar is the amazing cute little dress I got on Sunday. Can you say, "HOLY COW!?" Proof is in the pudding folks.

Now, as it is not a super modest dress, I haven't quite found anything to cover up with, so I'm not going to post a picture of me wearing yet. 

I have accepted the things I cannot change about myself. I have the courage to change the things I can and I know enough now to know the difference. I will always have stretch marks. I will always have that annoying vein in my forehead that pops when I smile. I might always have to tuck and hide things. But I have changed my attitude about myself. I have changed my body and am still working on it. I know my flaws and I know my strengths, and I love them both because they make me, me.

Last nights work out was hard. The Internet connection that I use to stream the videos from my computer to my TV kept freezing and disconnecting and I ended up taking about a half hour longer than I usually do to work out. I was SO mad! I just wanted to finish. It was 9:30 pm, I was tired and SO over it. I finally finished at 10:45. As I was showering the sweat away, I was totally at peace. I'd finished. Again. I still kept pushing play, as mad as I was. Remember last time when I said I was angry? It must have fueled my workout. I got all of that aggression out and I felt wonderful.

I am now 23 days in. I haven't taken a break, skipped or slacked. Will you?

Days 15, 16 and 17

I have a confession to make. I didn't work out on Tuesday. I started it but 10 minutes into it my neighbor knocked on my door asking to borrow some of my bigger jeans for her daughter. Welp, since I don't wear a size 18 anymore I let her have them!  Then of course the baby woke up and wouldn't let me put him down for the rest of the day. So, I've been feeling a little guilty. Wednesday I did the Plyometric Cardio Circut and Cardio Abs and it kicked my butt. My hair was dripping sweat, but it felt great. Today I did kind of a weird work out. I still fell guilty about not doing Tuesdays work out so I did 15 minutes of my Cardio Recover, 15 minutes of Pure Cardio (skipping the warm up) and all of Cardio Abs. All in all about 45 minutes! Then I ate like a pig. At least that's what it feels like. We had Cold Stone Creamery after taking cupcakes to Kara's school today for her birthday and then we took her to a movie where I consumed a copious amount of popcorn and coke.  Are you ready everyone? Get out your butter and salt because here comes the corn. (you like that one?)

The Avengers was amazing.  I sat there totally inspired, and Thor didn't even go shirtless in this one.  I realized something as I sat there, wide-eyed and bushy tailed. What makes each Avenger special isn't his/her super power. Each one has something deep within them that makes them totally unique and when you put them all together, it's the combination of those qualities that makes them a team. I realized that to make myself that special person I've always wanted to be, I need to hone in on each of these qualities if I truly want to shine! Let me break it down for you.

Captain America/Steve Rogers: Heart. You have to have heart and courage to stand for what is right.

Iron Man/Tony Stark: Cockiness. Behind his cocky attitude, he's a genius. He knows how special he is and he flaunts it.

Thor: Humility. He was humbled from his ignorance and gives forgiveness when others would refuse.

Black Widow: Manipulation. Now, this one is tricky. I don't mean manipulation in a negative sense. You have to work for what you want.

Hawk-Eye: Focus. He is calm, collected, focused and he never misses his shot.

And now for my favorite...

Hulk/Bruce Banner: Anger. My favorite line from the movie is this:

"I think it's about time you get angry." Tony Stark
"That's my secret. I'm always angry." Bruce Banner before he hulks out.

This really hit home for me. He is such a decent, good human being but turns into this raging monster that destroys everything in his path. It's not his fault, it's his curse.  But the point I'm trying to make is this. He controls his Hulk thing by staying angry!

I'm always angry. Sometimes it slips out and I get super mad. Sometimes I say things to those whom I love because I'm angry. I'm angry that I never did more with my life. I'm angry that I let myself do stupid things. I'm angry that I let myself get to a point where I hated myself. Damn right, I'm angry. It's how I focus that anger that's going to make a difference in my life.  I can choose to take all of my rage out on others, or I can work it out and get it under control. I can focus it. I can manipulate it. I can be cocky now because I know I'm better than I once was, because I have the heart to do it.  I don't have super powers, but I have super qualities. We all do. We all have to power to be someone great.  We don't have to hide who we are because of the fear that others may judge us.

I am every Avenger, and I am a force to be reckoned with.

Speaking of Inspiration...Days 12, 13 and 14

Whoo boy.  I just did the same fit test that I did my first day 2 weeks ago. I'm fairly impressed with myself. Two weeks ago I couldn't even do a couple of the exercises on there, namely power jumps. I hate those. You know what else I hate? Push-up jacks. Yes I hate them, but yes I did them. In fact, I'm almost certain that I did double of what I did 2 weeks ago. I didn't even bother writing down my fit test results because they were so pathetic. Now I wish I had so I could tell you all how much stronger my body is and how much higher my stamina is. Granted, my results today weren't "fabulous," but it's fabulous that #1. I finished, and #2. I didn't take a break during any of the minute long exercises. That's huge!

Now on to the really inspiring part. I have to say that I have the most amazing set of friends on earth. White, black, gay, straight, pear-shaped, boy-shaped, square-shaped. You are all beautiful. I am so incredibly humbled by the amount of support and encouragement I've been getting. I have a couple of friends who are starting the program just after hearing me talk about it.  I have so many people in my life that are such an amazing positive influence on me health wise and it makes me so happy that I can also have a positive influence on those around me.  I'm not really a name dropper so if I mention you, I hope you KNOW it's you and how proud I am of you! 

Friend #1. One of my best friends on earth. Beautiful inside and out. Has been through hell and back and has amazing strength and drive. YOU inspired me to do this and have always given me that push to make me feel better about myself inside and out. You're dirty, but I love you!

Friend #2.  Also one of my best friends on earth. I have SO been where you are now and I love you to death. I am always here for you and considering where we've both been, we've both come a long way. Your compassion and love for those with special needs inspires me to be a kinder, more accepting, loving person everyday.

Friend #3. You won't ever read this, but THANK YOU for showing me who I do not EVER want to be. I'm inspired every day by your failure and SO thankful that I'm DONE trying to be someone I wasn't.

Friend #4. We don't know eachother very well, but I'm so looking forward to getting you know you better. What you told me the other night convinced me to keep going with this blog because it has made a difference. My words mean something to someone else! Thank you! I was so humbled to hear you say those things:) I'm excited that you want to start the program as well:)

Friend #5. You also will probably never read this. I love you. You are my rock and the one person in this life that totally keeps me grounded and in line. When you have a helium balloon for a head like I do, you need that one thing to keep you tied down. You do that for me and you inspire me everyday with your unconditional love, support and guidance.  I would be lost without you by my side every day.

Ok, enough with the sappy crap. Almost. I have tried to surround myself with the kind of people I strive to be like. I am myself, but you all possess qualities within yourselves that I need to nuture within me and help grow. Patience, kindness, devotion, pure love....you all contribute beautiful things to my life and I thank you for them!

14 days and I am a happier, healthier person. Can you imagine the transformation in another 45 days? I'm catching fire! (Feel free to interpret that statement whichever way you please fellow book geeks:)

Days 9, 10 and 11.

Has it really been 11 days since I started? Have I really not missed a single day? Wow! I should feel incredible, right? I should feel on top of the world, right? Wrong. I feel totally defeated. I don't feel defeated by Insanity. I don't feel defeated by the world, or anyone in it...except for me. Me...Miss Enthusiasm. Miss Congeniality.  Miss I-Can-Do-Anything.

I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I'm not really that kind of person anymore. I'm still not here to tell you I hate my body. I still don't. I'm not here to tell you how much my life sucks, because it doesn't. My life is wonderful.

I'm here today to talk about how much your brain can get in your way. I just read a humorous blog/article by Cindy Brown about the Power of Suggestion. Our minds are powerful things. She talks about a neighborhood kid coming over with head lice and then feeling her head itch the rest of the day.

I am like that. I guess I'm easily persuaded. All day my brain has been telling me to just give up. Give in. You're done. This always happens to me sooner or later. I don't see what I want to see fast enough and the ol' brain starts working on me. I ate TERRIBLY today. And last night. Combine that with not losing, but GAINING a couple of pounds and I really feel done for. I feel as if I've totally ruined everything I've worked for the last 11 days. Every calorie I didn't consume, every countdown to the last second of Insanity...wasted. 

You know what I think? I think losing weight is 20% exercise, 30% diet and 50% psychological. Getting over yourself and your doubts is half of the problem. 50% goes to doing it and 50% is trying not to think about it. I've definitely over-thought this today. Why should I continue? What is the point, really? The point is that I need to finish what I've started, for once in my life, for whatever reason. The point is getting healthier. The point is to look back and say, "Yep, I did Insanity and I could do it again, even BETTER this time!"

I'm really good and psyching myself out.  Will you listen to how incredibly pathetic I sound? I'm sorry to be so negative but the truth is, I'm still going to put on my work-out clothes. I'm still going to slide into my shoes. I'm still going to fill my water bottle, get my towel to soak up the sweat (and quite possibly, more tears.) I'm still going to feel so relieved in the shower. I'm still going to feel awesome afterwards. I'm still going....11 days later, almost broken and almost, almost totally defeated, I'm still going. 

Don't let your brain talk you out of what's best for you. You only regret the workouts you don't do, right? Um, yeah actually, that's true. I don't regret working out. I do regret eating poorly the last 24 hours, but it's not the end of the world. Sure, I'm exhausted today from a baby who woke up at 3:30 and 5:30 and 7:30 wanting to play and from a little headstrong 2 yr old who said nothing but, "NO MAMA!" and "STOP IT MAMA!" and hit and pushed and bit me all day. But that's my life. And it's wonderful. And it's mine. And I wouldn't change it!

So tonight after the monsters are (hopefully) snuggled in bed I will, albeit very reluctantly, press play. And tomorrow will be another day to get through. And the next day. And if I keep this up, in 49 days I will see results. I can say that I never gave up. I will feel that accomplishment, and I will feel silly for ever writing this.

Tonight, I'm telling my brain to go to hell.

Inspiration and Appreciation. Days 6, 7 and 8

Whoops! I meant to blog Saturday and Sunday, but it turned out to be a pretty busy weekend!

So on Friday night after work, I walked into the house and I said, "It smells weird in here! Did you cook something? It smells like burned rubber or something." Ryan said, "Nope, I dont' know what you mean." I let it go. I mentioned that I was going to meet my friend Erin at the Farmers Market the next morning and that I would take the kids so Ryan could go on the bike ride he'd been talking about. He kinda looked at me a little sheepishly and said, "Oh really? I thought we could maybe hang out tomorrow morning." Then he led me down the hall and opened the back bedroom door and there was my mothers day present:

A brand new (and purple) bike and a ride-behind child carrier! I'm so excited that I can now go for bike rides! The last bike ride I went on was probably 5 years ago and my bike was stolen not long after that. So we hopped on Saturday morning, hitched the kids up and went for a ride. The kids kinda lost it after 4 1/2 miles, so we turned around and came back. A 9 mile bike ride isn't bad! My butt hurts, but I'm sure that will subside over time:)  Anyway, I skipped Insanity on Saturday and saved it for Sunday, which would've been our day off anyway, so I just switched days.

Last night, after an amazing mothers day and lots of food that I "don't eat anymore," I had to work out. I had to. If I skipped one day, I'm gonna skip two, then three and I'll have given up before I know it. Put my workout clothes on, VERY reluctantly, got the kids in bed and shooed my husband away.  Ooooo mama was it hard. I was dripping sweat by the first set of stretching. Granted, it was pretty warm in our place last night, but I know it was mostly because I was working hard. I took a few extra breaks when my body just couldn't do it anymore. I threw up a little once...TMI? I had about 7 minutes left and I was just so ready to stop, I was so tired. Ryan walked out and all he said, quietly, was, "Good job honey. Don't give up! I'm proud of you!" I immediately started to cry, but it kept me going. As soon as that last second was up, I sat down and cried. For like 5 minutes I cried. Now, Ryan is an amazing husband and father, but he usually doesn't really say things like that. Not because he's mean or anything, but because I usually know that he's proud of me. But to hear it outloud, something in me clicked.  I took a long hot bath (the first in about 3 months) and thought about my life. I have been given SO many gifts, blessings, opportunities. How many of those have I let pass by? How many times have I really used my gifts? How many of those blessings have I really given thanks for?  After my bath, I crawled into bed. Ryan was still playing a game and I re-read my Mothers Day cards. I am so incredibly blessed. Tears started to pour again. I was so happy. Happy that I have 3 incredible kids that adore me. Happy that I have a husband who loves me unconditionally and is so supportive. Happy that for once I'm not letting an opportunity pass me by. Happy that I've been given a body that is healthy. Just purely happy.

Mothers Day comes once a year where it's "celebrated." You know what? Mothers Day is everyday in my home. Everyday I get the opportunity to spend time with my children. Everyday I get to clean up messes, wipe boogers, change diapers, pick up the food on the floor for the millionth time and you knwo what? I wouldn't have it any other way. I have the most amazing job in the world. As much as they cry and whine and grab and push and pull....I wouldnt' change a thing. Children are the purest thing in this world. Their emotions and totally pure and un-corrupted. If you want a cookie, you want a damn cookie. If you want your mom, you want your mom NOW dangit! 

I can already say that Insanity has changed my life. I never thought I had this kind of will and drive. I never realized that a workout video could change my outlook on life. It is incredible how internal this drive has gone. This is probably the dumbest comparison you've ever heard, but do you all remember the Care Bears? Remember the Care Bear Stare? How it comes out of their chests in a big beam of whatever kind of bear they are? That's almost what it's like. Not literally of course because that would REALLY be somethin, but metaphorically. It's like this drive just pours from my chest and conquers all of my doubts and fears. Next time I'm working out and I want to give up I'm gonna yell, "Care Bear STAAAAAAAAAAARRE!" and if I'm not laughing too hard, I will finish.

Care Bear Stare!

So my friends, if you are having doubts that its just not working for you, don't give up. Please don't give up. If you really love yourself, you won't.  Next time you're feeling down, yell it. I don't care how silly it is.  It means that your heart is stronger than your brain. When your brain is telling you to stop and give up, let your heart take over. If anything, you'll get a good laugh out of it! Go buy yourself a little Care Bear...whichever one you want.



You probably all think I'm totally nuts now, and yes the whole Care Bear thing is silly and a little stupid, but I think I've made my point. Let it come from deep inside. Once that little seed is planted, you have to nurture it and tend to it to help it grow.

Abruptly the poker of memory stirs the ashes of recollection and uncovers a forgotten ember, still smoldering down there, still hot, still glowing, still red as red.”   -William Manchester

This is my message today. Stoke the fire!

By Comparison....Day 5

I cried this morning...hard. Yesterday I felt amazing. I was at the mall and found a dress I felt beautiful in. Not only did I feel beautiful, the dress is 4 sizes smaller than what I've been wearing for over 4 years. Today though, I got up at 5:30, ate a piece of wheat toast with peanut butter and an apple and stretched for a few minutes before starting Pure Cardio. By mid warm-up I was already tired and needing a break. About 15 minutes in I paused it, sat down and sobbed. I didn't really know why. Was it because I was still tired? Was it because I'm so sore? Then it hit me. I'm not as good as the people in the video. I can't keep up. I've got mom flab bouncing around and in some exercises, I have to hold my chest down. TMI? Probably, but it's the truth.  I am not an athlete. Never have been, probably never will be. Do I want to be an athlete? Nope.  Do I want to go for a hike without stopping to rest every 5 minutes? Yup. I have to admit that after 5 days of eating clean and lean and working out hard, I haven't dropped a single pound. I know I shouldn't care, and maybe I'm contradicting myself here, but I do care.  I don't care about being a hottie with a naughty body (picked up that phrase from my brother.) I don't care about bikini's and short shorts. I want the self confidence to put on an outfit, say "OK" and not feel like I need to tuck or adjust or hide anything.

So what's my problem? My problem is that I'm comparing myself to #1. A fitness professional and #2. The super-fit athletes in the video. Why on EARTH would I do that!? These people weren't born all muscled and fit. THEY worked for it and they are fit and in shape and totally capable of intense exercise. I'M on my 5th day. So seriously? C'mon, I'm better than that to get discouraged because I can't keep up. You know what I've been good at so far this week? Not quitting. Not shutting it off. Putting on my work out clothes. Eating well. Staying positive and as Shawn T says, "Digging deeper."

So no, I'm not here to complain and make you feel sorry for me. I don't care what other excuses I may have to not exercise. It just has to get done and be part of my day. I'm thinking that 6 am is NOT an ideal time for me. I think I do better mid-morning like I've been doing. And you know what else? My body doesn't really know WHAT I'm doing to it right now and I have to remember that it needs to catch up. The weight will come off, the work outs will get a teence easier, I won't be as sore next week. I just have to keep at it. I'm done comparing myself to others. I've spent my whole life trying to make other people happy and SO worried about what OTHER people thought of me and if OTHER people like me. Guess what? I don't care anymore. I want ME to like me. And I do.

                                                 There is a light at the end of this tunnel!

Day 4: Cardio Recovery by BUTT!!

Today was Cardio Recovery. They should call it "You-thought-you-were-gonna-have-it-easy-today-haha!"  My legs are shaking, my calves hurt and at this very moment my body is giving me the middle finger.

I have to confess that I almost quit today. not quit for good, just skipped this work out. Both of the kids were whining and clawing at me, Lucy was throwing food and the floor and needed to pee every 2 minutes. Joseph was at his most pathetic following me around, crying, pulling on my shoes and my pants...*sigh*. I ALMOST gave up. Almost. Then I kept reminding myself how crappy I would feel if I skipped a day. It's almost dishonest. You have to commit.  I can tell that my muscles are looking leaner. I haven't really lost anymore weight, but it's only day 4! I'm kind of a "quick results" girl. Well guess what, Insanity is only 60 days but believe me, this is not an easy quick fix. There's nothing easy about it. Even when I do the breathing into the stretches I feel like I'm gonna pass out. But I do it. I commit. SO, off to finish the rest of my day! Good luck everyone!

Here are some examples of how my legs and arms are starting to define:



Ooh La la legs!



Leanish and meanish

Can you show me the way to the gun show?

Day 3: Cardio Power and Resistance

Wow. I wish I could say I am speechless, but then this blog would be pointless. I....feel...INCREDIBLE.  Yes, I took breaks when I needed to and yes, once I had to stop to take a kid to the potty but I finished it again. As my mom would say (with 100% more sarcasm,) "MIRACLES NEVER CEASE!"  I needed a miracle today. I woke up sore, my neck tweaked from sleeping with the baby again all night. My calves hurt. My back is aching. I took 2 Ibuprofen and put my big girl panties on. After a run to a Dr's appointment for Lucy, we came home, ate lunch and I put the cretins to bed. Then I kicked my own *%&. Literally. Butt kicks suck. So do power jumps and moving push ups. But I did it! I finished again. Sweat was dripping and I wanted to throw up but I finished.  I don't think I swore today, but I might have. Day 3...KILLED IT! (And I'm super proud of myself:)
With Insanity, it's recommended that for your suggested daily calorie intake that you eat 5 small meals a day. OK...I needed some clarification because I cannot eat 5 times a day! That seems so counter-productive to me. So I asked my awesome Beachbody Coach, Kristin Hatch just what I'm supposed to be doing. Eat a healthy breakfast, and throughout the day, eat a few snacks, i.e. an apple, banana, protein bar/shake and your meals should get smaller throughout the day. OK, THAT makes sense to me. Yesterday I had 5 small meals all about 400 calories each. I felt sick by the end of the night and a little defeated thinking maybe I should go for a run or something.  Now that I'm more informed as to what/how I should be eating, I think I can do it! 

Insanity has a great nutrition program. It gives you different tiers of food ranging from best to worst. It says that if you only eat from the first two tiers then you would have a near-perfect diet. Well guess what? Most of the foods that I love are on the first two tiers! Sure I love pasta and I LOVE croissants, but those can be eaten sparingly, like for a special occasion. And guess what else? Your body NEEDS carbs when you're exercising! Your body needs food to keep your metabolism up. Again, I'm not one for cheesy quotes but I think theses ones are especially true:

OK, this last one has taken me a LONG time to figure out. How often do we feed ourselves out of boredom? How often do we overeat because we're celebrating? OK guys, we all know that I'm not a nutritionist. I still have horrible days where I eat terrible things. I'm HUMAN! Having said that, I am getting way better at eating when my body feels hungry or tired, rather then when I just feel like it. And THEN I choose healthy snacks. It's a daily battle. Do I eat the apple or do I drink a coke? Do I scramble all 3 whole eggs or spend a little extra time to separate the egg whites from the yolks?

I read somewhere that it takes 21 days to make or break a habit...something like that. 21 days? So all you have to do is make better choices at home and at the grocery store for 21 days. Is it going to hurt you to try? 

TRY new things! TRY new foods!  Trying will turn into doing. I can't get discouraged because THAT'S what hurts me. Giving up is what hurts you. Life happens, I get that. But it goes on too.  It was my choice to get healthy. Can you imagine how much different my life would be if I were at a point where my Dr has to say, "Get healthy or...?" By losing the little extra weight I've cut my risk of Diabetes, Heart Disease, Obesity, Pulmonary disease and certain cancers. 

OK, so hopping off of my soapbox. I'm not here to preach. I'm amazed at how many page views I've gotten already. If this can not only help me succeed, but if someone, somewhere reads this and takes that first step towards a positive change, I'm over the moon.

We're all beautiful. Don't let the media and society dictate how you should look and how you should feel about yourself. Just do it for you and the people who love you. Isn't that kinda like what they say on airplanes if something should happen? Fasten your OWN mask first, then the people who love you. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FOR THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU. Love yourself for who you are. Love yourself and the world will follow. Smile and the world smiles with you.