I'm so uncoordinated....

So I'm on day 4 of Turbofire and I have to say that I'm not sure if I'm in love with it yet.  I don't know it's because I'm self conscious of myself trying to do all of these choreographed moves, or because I'm still a little stuck in my rut. I guess I can say that really it just matters that I'm trying to eat a healthy diet and that I'm definitely trying to at least get THROUGH the workouts.  I know that I feel better after I'm done, I just worry that I haven't done enough work. I think with INSANITY I knew how much work I'd put in by the shear sweat pouring from my body and honestly wanting to die afterwards.  The only way I can describe Chalene Johnson in Turbofire is with a clip...here it is...

I crack up everytime I see this but thats just how she is! She's this awesome little nymph jumping around my screen doing backflips on my roundhouse kicks and uppercuts. Holy cow.

Anyway, I know that it's going to take time and HARD WORK to get the moves down and really feel like I'm giving my all. Last night Ryan (my husband) walked into the room as I was doing jabs and I yelled, "Go AWAY!" because a was embarrassed for him to see me sucking so bad at what I was trying to do.  Kickboxing is effing hard. SMILING while kickboxing is even harder, so I honestly think that those girls in the video are on some sort of drug.  I'm hoping to get myself a heart rate moniter or something to that effect so I can at least track how my calories are being burned so I know if I'm working hard enough.  Its going to just be a work in progress until I find what makes me feel good and until I get to that point where I KNOW I'm giving it my all. If you were to ask me which program I like better, which one is harder, etc I would answer this way. Turbofire so far is alright, but at least with INSANITY I knew that I was doing my best and working my hardest. INSANITY definitely is a harder workout WORK wise, but Turbofire is harder for me because I'm not that quick or coordinated.  Hope that made sense.

With that said, wish me luck because today is a 55 minute class and I might just throw up.  Have a great day!

It's crackling.....

Hey there...remember me? Yeah....sorry about that. It's been awhile. I don't know what happened or why I couldn't use this blog to get out all of the frustrations I've been having. Yeah, the depression is still there a bit...barely under the surface.  I've been trying to find ways to push it away and relieve some of the stress. I've been trying to do Yoga and breathing exercises, writing stuff down, the usual quick fixes. I've finally just succombed to the fact that I'm gonna have to start exercising again if I want to kick it in the butt! 

Tomorrow I am starting a NEW program called TurboFire! Its a high intensity cardio/dance/sweat-dripping-from-awkward-places type of program! I'll be honestly, the only reason I got it was because it was 50% off at www.teambeachbody.com. Otherwise, nuh uh...wouldn't have happened. Really this is bs. I never should have stopped exercising in the first place. I let all of my bs excuses get in my head and in my way and you want to know what I have to show for it? An extra 25 pounds and all of that blood, sweat and tears hard work down the drain.  Its time to start kicking butt again.

Wait a minute...did you think you were going to read through this latest blog post and escape the cheese factor? Think again friends....how silly and naive of you all;)  My daughter Lucy is a pill. One screaming, fighting, nail spitting, rough and tumble, know it all, back talking pill.  Her three favorite songs on this planet are:

Turn Me On-Nicki Minaj (great parenting there, huh?)
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds- The Beatles (there's a little redemption for you, but still egotistical on her part, stinker.) And,
Firework- Katy Perry

So remember a few month ago when I talked about music and the power and influence it can have over you?? A few weeks ago I was doing "Just Dance 2" with Lucy and we were dancing to that song and I was reading the lyrics that are on the bottom of the screen (as if dancing in a some-what coordinated pattern isn't hard enough for me.) Then I turned the music video on for her on YouTube and really listened to the lyrics....and I started to sob.  It hit REALLY close to home and honestly, it REALLY gave me that positive boost that I've desperately been searching for. Yeah, really.  Here they are:

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards,
One blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe"

You don't have to feel like a wasted space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe"

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through-ough-ough

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe"

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

Sorry, I realize that was REALLY long, but I didn't really want to cut any of it out. What awesome lyrics!  That song is right...it really has been inside of me this whole time. I've spent my whole life holding MYSELF back from the things I've always really wanted  for total fear of failure. I never did anything with my singing voice and now I feel as if it's too late. I never graduated college and now I will have to wait to go back. I never traveled like I wanted to. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade my life for the world, but yes...there is a little regret in there. I did what I had to do and put myself aside because I became something bigger and more important than myself. A mother.

I'm sure that I will have many more regrets in this life and I will probably still be worrying about little things that maybe I should've done differently in life when I'm 97 3/4 years old.  However, there is one regret that I vow never to have. I will not look back on my life and yearn over the years that I could've been better to my body and to myself. I will NOT look back and regret that I never worked out and that I was too lazy to fix the one thing I had total power over. Seriously, my kids will grow into the people they will ultimately be, with a little molding here and there, but I don't have control over that, just gentle guidance. I cannot control how my life will go or where we will end up in life.

I CAN control myself though. I CAN control my weight. I CAN control what goes into my body. I control me...no one else. 
So, having said all of that...here is my new theme song. Enjoy!