Do's, Don'ts, Can's and Cannot's

Hey friends, it's been awhile.

Almost 5 months. Am I thinner? Nah. I'm I happier, meh, not any more or less than I was before.  Life has gone on. Life has changed, and it has not all at once. Am I depressed? Ah, maybe some days.

I think that I've been so wrapped up in trying to find a quiet calm for myself that in turn, I've created more chaos.  I've been so occupied in finding my "place" that I've scattered myself again.   After a brief moment of clarity and inspiration, I decided that my life's work lay in music. Well, I'm not really cut out to be a rock star, but I could teach. Yeah...I could teach! So, I dug in and got myself all registered for college life...at almost age 32. So after a few months of letting this adventure sink it I'm suddenly realizing...can I really do this? Well lets see. This definitely isn't the most difficult thing I've ever had to face in life. This is something that ultimately leads me to a higher goal and gives me an opportunity to hone my talents and share them with the world.  So the answer starts to become very clear. It's not that I cannot do this, I'm just scared. I'm scared of how I can handle being back in school with "peers" 10, maybe even 14 years younger than myself.  I'm scared of how my daily absence will affect my kids. I'm scared that it'll all become too much and I'll start to waiver when I realize that among all of my "peers" I am seriously lacking in skill and knowledge. Feeling these insecurities are like kryptonite. They've made me who I am, yet continue to cripple me at first glance.  I don't doubt for a moment that I can sing. I do however doubt my abilities in being able to concentrate and focus on the skills I need to learn to become a music teacher.

I know once I get into the swing of things again that it will all come back to me. I know that I'm smart enough and confident enough in the fact that I at LEAST can sing that everything will start to work itself out. I know that without fear, no one could truly taste the sweetness of success.  I read a great quote the other day that was posted on Chalene Johnson's page that said:

"Often we think, 'I'll do it when I'm not so afraid.' But in reality it works the other way around. The 'doing it' comes before the fear goes away. The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it."

That makes a lot of sense. Like, "Lightening just struck me!" type of sense.  Then it all comes down to will. Good old self will. Can you do it? Well it depends. Are you trying to look like a Victoria Secret supermodel or are you trying to be the best YOU you can be? Because one of these two things is impossible. The answer is no...you will never look like that V.S. supermodel because she is not you and you are not her. She hasn't experienced your life, your kids, your heartbreaks, your ups your downs and nor you hers.  I'm going to give you all a little list of the Do's, Don'ts, Can's and Cannots in life and hopefully one can use these as a stepping stone, mantra, tool, WHATEVER. Just read and ponder.

Do's:

Please, DO give yourself a break.
Do know that there are tons of tools whether online, through friends, family to help you in your goals
Do know that you are beautiful and whether or not you feel it right now, SOMEONE knows you are.
Do look for ways to bring yourself peace. Find ONE thing you love to do. Hiking, reading, drawing, singing, cooking, crafting...ANYTHING and give yourself that time to enjoy it, even if it's just once or twice a week.
Don'ts:

Don't compare yourself to the women and girls you see in the media. The words "false idols" comes to mind. 99% of everything to see and hear about these women is edited, photo shopped and airbrushed. VS models aren't really that perfect. Britney Spears doesn't really sound like that. Concentrate on being yourself and if you think you need improving in an area, whatever it may be, do it till you love that aspect of yourself.
Don't give in.  Don't accept the pressures of the outside world to be someone or something that you're not. You'll only fail and then be down on yourself for not living up to other peoples' unrealistic expectations of how THEY want YOU to be.
Don't NOT give in. Sometimes it's OK to splurge. It's OK to have cake. It's OK to sleep in. It's OK eat popcorn and watch movies. If you limit things from your life and tell yourself that you can NEVER enjoy certain things, especially things that make you happy, where's the fun in that?
Don't tell yourself you're a failure because things didn't go as planned one day or if you've just had a bad week. See #1 in the "Do's" section.

Can's:

You CAN change your body, if you so wish. It takes time, sometimes a LOT of time. And effort, sometimes a LOT of effort, but it is 100% doable.
You CAN be happy. Sometimes it's not a choice. Depression is a serious illness that affects millions of people, but it's not the end of the road, no matter how it feels right now. I know because I've been there, done that and sometimes still do.
You CAN make a difference in the world. Remember that old saying, "You may feel like you're just someone in the world, but to someone else, you may BE the world?" I find myself thinking that sometimes when I just feel like I'm the worst parent in the world that that I really have nothing good to offer. It's a gentle reminder that you're better than you think you are.
You CAN do (almost) anything if you just set your mind to it. Of course there are times where physical limitations keep one from doing something one might desire most in this world. But if you tweak your goals to fit better into your life, nothing is impossible.

Cannot's:

You cannot be or look like anyone else in this world but yourself. I will never look like anyone other than plain old Liz Dutton. And why would I want to? I want to look like the BEST Liz Dutton.
You cannot change the past, but you can control what's happening RIGHT NOW in your life. 
You cannot forget that you are important. Period.
You cannot change another person to fit into your own ideals. Been there, done that too and it's exhausting and as bad as there are some things you'd like to change, let it go.

So....Will you or won't you?

I've got 6 weeks....

6 weeks to make a change within myself.

6 weeks to make a change to my outer self.

6 weeks to feeling more confident.

6 weeks to make myself believe that I really DO matter.

6 weeks to remember where my priorities lie.

6 weeks to show my family that I'm not a quitter.

6 weeks to feel great in a dress.

That's all it takes. A month and a half. I realize this blog is very....bi-polar. I tend to have very high ups and very low-downs.  Right now I'm a little bit in the middle. Yesterday I felt like an incredible loser, and I got angry. No one asked me WHY I was angry and spiteful and honestly, I probably couldn't have given them a straight, truthful answer. The only truth I know is that we ALL feel like that some days. We ALL feel inadequate at times and we have the audacity to tell ourselves that we are not good enough. We tell ourselves that we are not good enough.  In fact, there was an instance last week when I felt completely, 100% rejected by another and I actually wondered if it was because I was just too fat.  I wondered if I had faced this rejection based solely on my outer appearance.  NOW I know that wasn't the case, but how messed up is it that that's the first place my mind went?  We as women face difficult and sometimes not easy to pin-point rejection.  We face rejection when we see size 0 mannequins at the mall, we face rejection when we see a "Dove" commercial showing "real-sized" women who STILL look nothing like us. We face rejection when we don't feel like we're keeping up with the fitness experts in workout videos. We feel it when we compare ourselves to others for the things they may have that we do not.  It's a vicious, vicious cycle that realistically, we will never be able to overcome completely. I have done and still do every single one of these things. It has been pounded into my brain so repeatedly that I need to look a certain way, act a certain way, be a certain person that it's dang near impossible to figure out, even at age 31, who I am and who I really want to be...and  being ok with it. 

You can say what you want, but no matter how badly I want my body took look a certain way, the fact of the matter is that I've had 3 children. I have grown older. My stretch marks may fade with time, but they will never disappear. The scarring is there to remind me of a greater physical transformation that my body has been able to journey through...3 times. The point is, I'm not going to look like Heidi Klum. Or Jennifer Aniston. Or Megan Fox. Or...who cares!? The only person I'm ever going to look like is MY BEST SELF.  So I've got some pounds to lose and habits to change...that's really not up to anyone but me. I make the decision. I make the food. I do the exercise. I get the rewards.  I don't remember if I said anything about the little red hen story in a previous blog, but that's kind of what it's like. I don't better myself and do all of the hard work so someone ELSE can feel great in a dress or a swimming suit. It's that simple....really. 

Stop comparing yourself to others. Be the best YOU and for the LOVE OF IT.........Just start being NICE to yourself!

On to day 3 of Slim in 6!

Can I really do this again?

 I almost didn't write this new blog post because it's hard to see through the tears and fight through the immense amount of frustrations I'm feeling.  I just sent in my latest measurements to my Beachbody coach and I can't believe I let myself get so out of hand again. After all of the fighting and pushing and crying and sweating and hard work... After all of the good feelings and proud moments and accomplished goals here I sit at square one.  I'm either the stupidest or laziest person on the planet. Oops, I gained 5 pounds, gotta keep it in check.  Oops, I gained another 5 dang it, gotta get back on track. OOPS I've gained 25 pounds...wth is wrong with me?  So here I sit, mad and embarrassed with myself. Mad because I haven't really committed to doing a single thing to help myself. Mad because I can never find a moment ALONE to do anything. I'll let you in on a little secret....I have to be alone when I work out. I get so distracted by what someone else might be doing/thinking/saying/looking at that I get ticked off and stop.  It's a stupid excuse but I feel so insecure with someone else even in the same house. I guess I like to pretend on some plane of existence that I'm still getting into good shape and eating healthy and having a wonderful attitude. I like to pretend that its really last May and I looked better than I've looked in 10+  years.
    So now I really have to "dig deep" and ask myself if THIS time I'm ready. If THIS time it's gonna stick. If THIS time....dammit if not now, when? When my kids are all grown up and out of the house and I'm just too bored to do anything else?  When I'm older and slower and perhaps more unable to do what I know I can do now?  Remember that little white dress from the previous posts? Doesn't fit. Remember that Insanity T shirt I rocked last July? Embarrassed to wear it.
    Honestly, this has to stop and it has to stop right. frickin. now.  If you asked me, I could give you a list 100 items long full of "if-only's." If only the kids would sleep. If only they would play alone and let me workout. If only I hadn't eaten that heavy breakfast.  If only I felt good....blah blah blah.
    This post is not supposed to be one big pity party for myself. It's a wake up call.
WAKE UP! Remember how unhappy you were with yourself at 220?? Remember how terrible you felt shopping and leaving in TEARS because nothing fit?  Remember how insecure you felt in a room full of strangers and even your friends?
Now remember this at this moment....
        You will never brush your teeth in the dark again to avoid looking at yourself.
        You will never hold your head down in the grocery store when you see people you know.
        You will never wear a sweatshirt around and shrink away from your husband because you are      embarrassed to be touched.
        You will not project your negative self image on your young, impressionable kids.
        You will not see yourself as worthless, useless, powerless and hopeless again.

Enough is enough. Gotta stop quitting....right?