I almost didn't write this new blog post because it's hard to see through the tears and fight through the immense amount of frustrations I'm feeling. I just sent in my latest measurements to my Beachbody coach and I can't believe I let myself get so out of hand again. After all of the fighting and pushing and crying and sweating and hard work... After all of the good feelings and proud moments and accomplished goals here I sit at square one. I'm either the stupidest or laziest person on the planet. Oops, I gained 5 pounds, gotta keep it in check. Oops, I gained another 5 dang it, gotta get back on track. OOPS I've gained 25 pounds...wth is wrong with me? So here I sit, mad and embarrassed with myself. Mad because I haven't really committed to doing a single thing to help myself. Mad because I can never find a moment ALONE to do anything. I'll let you in on a little secret....I have to be alone when I work out. I get so distracted by what someone else might be doing/thinking/saying/looking at that I get ticked off and stop. It's a stupid excuse but I feel so insecure with someone else even in the same house. I guess I like to pretend on some plane of existence that I'm still getting into good shape and eating healthy and having a wonderful attitude. I like to pretend that its really last May and I looked better than I've looked in 10+ years.
So now I really have to "dig deep" and ask myself if THIS time I'm ready. If THIS time it's gonna stick. If THIS time....dammit if not now, when? When my kids are all grown up and out of the house and I'm just too bored to do anything else? When I'm older and slower and perhaps more unable to do what I know I can do now? Remember that little white dress from the previous posts? Doesn't fit. Remember that Insanity T shirt I rocked last July? Embarrassed to wear it.
Honestly, this has to stop and it has to stop right. frickin. now. If you asked me, I could give you a list 100 items long full of "if-only's." If only the kids would sleep. If only they would play alone and let me workout. If only I hadn't eaten that heavy breakfast. If only I felt good....blah blah blah.
This post is not supposed to be one big pity party for myself. It's a wake up call.
WAKE UP! Remember how unhappy you were with yourself at 220?? Remember how terrible you felt shopping and leaving in TEARS because nothing fit? Remember how insecure you felt in a room full of strangers and even your friends?
Now remember this at this moment....
You will never brush your teeth in the dark again to avoid looking at yourself.
You will never hold your head down in the grocery store when you see people you know.
You will never wear a sweatshirt around and shrink away from your husband because you are embarrassed to be touched.
You will not project your negative self image on your young, impressionable kids.
You will not see yourself as worthless, useless, powerless and hopeless again.
Enough is enough. Gotta stop quitting....right?
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