Desperation and Defeat.

Well it happened. Sorry to disappoint you all but it happened. I totally lost my motivation. I have made every excuse I can think of as to why I haven't worked out since Tuesday. It's too hot, the kids are insane, I've been too busy, it gets too late, I've been too tired, my feet hurt, my knees hurt, my heart hurts....You know what? I have one excuse. I'm just plain lazy.  I let me get the best of me.  I haven't totally given up, I want you to know that.  I realize how totally uninspiring this is and how I've built up all this hype for nothing.  And do you want to know what the worst part is? I would've been done next week.  I seriously would've had 7 workouts left and then my final fit test.  Now, because I have slacked off and been such a lazy, worthless piece of garbage, I get to do 3 whole weeks over again.  And I'm willing to accept that because I know it's nobodys fault but mine.  My diet really has gone to crap, my motivation and drive has totally fizzled and I'm 100% discouraged, disenchanted and disgusted with myself. 

Poor me, poor me, poor me.  I need the drive to finish. I need to stop making excuses again. I need to close my eyes, take a break and take a good hard look at myself and what I'm feeling. What am I feeling?  I'm feeling the stress of not feeling good enough. I'm feeling the daily stress of 3 kids and a messy house. I feel like I've totally lost control over my life/house/kids.  I don't feel adequate.  I don't feel like I do a good enough job.  So I find myself asking what the point is? What is the point when my son won't let me put him down for an hour everyday? What is the point if my 2 yr old daughter will do nothing but scream the moment I need or want to do my workout? What is the point if I have to stay up until midnight or later every night just to finish it, only to be woken up an hour later?  I cannot log jump over my baby. I cannot heisman with a 2 yr old pulling on my pants. I cannot do level 2 drills with a 10 yr old yapping at me.  Obviously I get very angry when anyone attempts to talk to me, let alone walk through the room in which I am currently occupying. I turn into a vicious, horrible beast mom. I snap, I say mean things and I get super mad. So what is the point? That isn't who I want to be. I do not want to get to a point where a workout is more important then my kids or how I treat my kids and husband.  Ok, are you ready to hear my try and convince myself why it matters and convince myself that there really IS a point?

Lets see.

#1. I don't ever want to hate the way I look/feel again. I don't want to always have it in the back of my mind that people judge me by the way I look. I don't want to feel like the ugly duckling in the room anymore.

#2. I don't want to die young of a disease I could've prevented simply by taking care of myself.

#3. I want my kids to be happy and healthy and to NEVER have to feel how I have felt most of my life about my body. It's unhealthy not only for the mind, but for the soul. I want/need them to always feel comfortable in their own skin.

#4.  I want to look the best I can look for my husband. I know that he would never/never has been/never will be embarrassed of me, but why risk it?  I secretly like thinking that people think he has a hot wife (Tmi? too bad.)

#5.  Theres really only so much stress I can handle and if it takes working out and sweating like a disgusting pig and spitting and swearing and cursing the universe to get it out, then so be it.  I'd rather take my stress out on the universe then my family. They deserve SO much better than my bad temper.

#6.  I so desperately need to say that I finally finished something positive in my life. It may not be a big flippin' deal to anyone else, but it is to me and I will finish. 

#7.  No more fat jokes.

#8.  NOT SHOPPING IN THE WOMENS SECTION AT AGE 30!!!!!!!

#9. Ripping my pants while attempting to show off my muscles rather than ripping my pants sitting down because I'm too fat.

#10. Finally saying that I earned it.

Ok, are you convinced yet? I think I am.  I cannot let myself fail totally again. I've tripped and stumbled. That's all this is.  If any of you are looking for an inspirational movie, watch "Run, Fatboy, Run." with Simon Pegg, Thandie Newton and Hank Azaria.  I absolutely adore that movie.  I need to be like Dennis and keep going. I need to WORK for what I want. I need to prove myself to ME.  I need to prove it to the naysayers and show them that I am more than just talk.  I may not have dropped a ton of weight or flattened my tummy, but the cliche' is true. It took longer than 2 months to put it on, it's gonna take longer than 2 months to work it off.  I have lost a few inches and dropped a few pounds and I definitely look better, so that should be motivation enough to just keep going. Suck it up or shut up, right? Yep. So here I go. I'm gonna suck it up, move past this crap and finish what I started.  Then I'm going to eat a cheeseburger.

On that note, here is something hilarious that happened to me the other night. I went out with some friends to sing Karaoke and we started talking about Insanity and how toned my muscles are getting, especially my legs. So as I'm attempting to pull my capri pant leg up, it totally rips and hilarity ensues. I will forever remember the night that I hulked out to a point that I ripped my pant leg...want proof? Lucky I have friends who take awesome pictures;) Enjoy...just don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Lists

Honestly, I don't even know why I'm sitting here right now. I'm exhausted. It's 12:33 am, I've just finished Core Cardio and Balance, calmed down a hysterical toddler and finally taken a shower.  So really, I should be in bed dreaming peacefully of the zombie apocalypse. That seems to be the only thing I can dream about these days. Not in a good way. Maybe I'm too paranoid and anxious in my every day life and that's how it's manifesting? I don't know. ANYWAY MOVING ON.

Over the last week it has come to my attention that I have absolutely no will power.  And that I lose motivation really fast.  I'm actually pretty suprised with myself that it's taken this long to tank.  Fear not, friends. I'm still chugging along with my Insanity, but school ending, being sick, Fathers Day, etc has really thrown me off my game!  I missed 4 workouts. Not just any workouts. MAX workouts. Ugh.  So not only am I trying to jump back in and stay motivated and keep on truckin, I have to do it doing the hardest workouts in the program.  The thing is is that they're really not that hard. I can do most of the moves, but as I think I mentioned in a previous post, that 1/2 hr mark hits and I'm exhausted and dripping sweat and I look at the timer on the screen and it says I have 25-30 minutes left. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Ok...just keep going."  I believe I've said this phrase a lot (plus or minus a few swear words) in the last couple of weeks.  I think it was last Friday and I was doing Max Interval Circut and I swear I sobbed the last 10 minutes of the exercise. Sobbed.  I was so tired. My muscles were so fatigued.  It was late at night. It all came together and I lost it.  I cried during my pushups, I cried doing plank work, I sobbed through the last stretches. I was a HOT MESS.  I cried for a good 5 minutes afterwards too.  I know that a lot of it is because I was so tired, but exercise is a great stress reliever. By the time I was done crying, I realized how much better I felt and how letting go and just crying and working and sweating and swearing totally relieved my stress. For that day:)


Anyway, as I have done these last couple of workouts, trying desperately to catch up and get back into it, I've realized that I actually missed it. I, me, myself...missed working out.  Um, where's Liz and what have I done with her? I have transformed my former, lazy, self-loathing self into a more efficient, hard working, self-loving powerhouse.  Giggity.  So, to get myself back into it FULL SWING, I have compiled a few little lists/rules to print out and follow everyday. They are as follows:

Foods Banned From my House:

Spicy Buffalo Wing flavored pretzel bits from Snyders of Hanover--->death of me
Mac n Cheese--->Disclaimer: I cannot be blamed for eating a bite of the kids'
Fun sized ANYTHING-->Hersheys...you complete me
Soda--->death trap in a can..yet so...so delicious.

Good Motivators

Your happiness does not come from a number on a scale (still working on this one)

Don't complain about all of your clothes being too big...at least they're not all too small!!

As long as you keep pushing play and pushing through, you've succeeded

People love you for you, not your body. And if they do love you for your body, they don't really love you. (Fickle friends love fickle things)

Food is awesome, but don't let it become your master.

Friends, if I can do this, so can you. Find something you love and do it!  Change your world, change yourself if you aren't happy. I did, and I did it in a way that I never thought would appeal to me.  More importantly, love yourself.  Life happens. Live your life! Earn your life! Enjoy your life! 

12 workouts left. Bring it.

First Max workout week.

OK, So, this week has been super hard for me and I'm sorry that I haven't done a blog sooner than this one! Kara got out of school this week and our schedule is totally screwed up now.  Actually, let me just really start by saying that;

DISCLAIMER:  I am super sick with an upper respiratory infection. I cannot breathe, speak or sleep comfortably therefor I missed Saturdays workout and I might miss today's. :( Having said that, I want you to know that this is the longest I've gone without exercise in 6 weeks! It's killing me! Its making me feel guilty and useless and I really DO need that release to feel energized and better about everything.

OK, so going back to the work outs that I've been doing.  These max workouts that I've been doing are not necessarily harder than all of the previous ones, it's that they're so much longer.  With the previous ones, 35-40 minutes and you're done and exhausted.  With these ones its more like, "Wait...I STILL have 30 minutes to go!?" That's when you really need to start digging deeper (as Shaun T likes to say.)  You really have to start pushing yourself and I have felt more than once this week that I've only been giving it 50% because of blah blah blah....you know what? I've been giving it MY 100%.  I've pushed play everyday. I've finished these super long, exhausting workouts and you know what else? I'm sore. My ribs and stomach are sore.  Because it's working.  The weight I think at this point is maintaining and my fat is being turned into muscle. My inches are kinda staying the same, but I can tell that they are leaner and way more defined.  My stomach is starting to form. My legs are very lean and muscular, my arms are bangin' (you like that?)  I've got a serious gun show over here.

I think the part that is the hardest for me at this point is still getting over my self-doubt.  I still see a heavy girl in the mirror some days. I still get super self conscious wearing certain things. I still feel like I'm not good enough some days.  There are some days I seriously think that people are looking at me like I'm trying too hard to fit in.  We are our own worst critics.  There are days that I really want to just give up....today is one of them.  I feel like this infection has really put a halt on my motivation and drive.  What if I can never get back into it because I'm taking time off. (I guess instead of time, I should say 2 workouts.)  I don't want to miss anymore workouts but I physically cannot do them. As soon as I start breathing harder, I start coughing like crazy and it really does hurt:(

This sounds so negative.  Sorry!  I guess maybe I just feel like if I don't stay consistent with my workouts, then I'm cheating.  Which is dumb I guess because if I cannot do the workouts, I can't cheat...maybe that didn't come out right?  OK, so enough with the negativity. I'm going to tell you all what I did this week that was a big step for me!

I hiked the M.  All the way.  For the first time in 10 years.  Is anyone impressed? Buhler?  For those of you who don't know what the "M" is, it's a huge cement "M" on the side of Mount Sentinel. For example.....

There it is...Right up there on the mountain...Pretty place I live, eh?  Anyway, the "M" hike is 3/4 mile long, but steep. It consists of 11 switchbacks and you gain 620 feet in elevation!  The view is awesome from the top...for example:

Now this isn't a view of the whole city, but you get the picture (nice pun, huh?)  This has been a big goal for me since starting out on my health kick.  I did it. Kara and I made it to the M! It would've been a bit easier if Kara hadn't whined the whole way up about her legs, lungs, sweat, etc...

She has quite the flare for dramatics....I can't imagine where she gets it;)

Here's an awesome self portrait of me laying on the M.

My view from the top!

So there ya have it folks. That's whats up with me.  PS, I'd love to have more comments/feedback about this whole thing if you're interested!  Let me hear you!  And one more picture that I think is a great reminder for all of us having self doubts and worries......

It doesn't matter what you look like, you're you and you are beautiful!

A League of Their Own

"Of course it's hard.  It's supposed to be hard.  If it were easy, everybody would do it.  Hard it what makes it great."

I found that quote on Pinterest the other day and I can't stop thinking about it.  What I'm doing is hard.  It is hard to change how you've thought about yourself and your life and your relationship with food. It is a demon I've had to fight these last few months.

I met up with a great group of girls last night for the end of a little competition we were having. It was a "Biggest Loser-esque" friendly competition among friends.  Who ever did the "best" won the pot as we all put in 5 bucks. I came in 3rd so at least I can say that I broke even:) That's beside the point. We ALL worked our butts off...almost literally.  We all accomplished something we wouldn't have if we'd sat on the couch eating bon bons. (I might have to add that to my bucket list...anyone know where I can get some Bon Bons?)  We went around the table to share what we'd learned or how we did what we did the last 8 weeks or so.  When it was my turn, I think I kind of had a hard time expressing what I wanted to say.  I basically said that I've learned that this has to become a complete lifestyle change. I've had to change the way I think about food and how it makes me feel.  I've had to make my workouts an important part of my day.  I said how it doesn't feel like a chore and that I actually DON'T hate exercising (even as much as I say that I hate INSANITY workouts, I don't.) I have a massive love/hate relationship with them.  I told one friend that the thing I love about Insanity is that yeah, the work outs are really hard, but it's nothing that you cannot do.  Your body is able to do every single one of these work outs.  They're not asking you to hike Mt Everest or Tom Cruise the side of a sky scraper.  It's YOU using YOUR body to CHANGE your body.  It's strength and cardio all mixed together so you don't even realize what you're doing to your body until its done. I've had mornings where I've woken up and said..."Um...I didn't even know I had that muscle."

That's another thing I've noticed.  I can tell that my muscles are starting to define.  I feel lighter. I can do things SO much easier than before.  My stamina has really increased and my fit test results are getting better and better!  I still have terrible, "poor me" days. Everyone does so I'm not really that special.  What is special is that I can do it. I can do it.  Fitness has never, ever, never ever been a part of my life unless it was forced in school.  I realized that after I had Joseph and starting losing weight, I NEVER wanted to go back to how terrible I felt everyday. How depressed I would get trying on clothes. How disgusting I felt even after eating a healthy dinner.  That is TOTALLY backwards and screwed up. 

I'm not going to sit here and tell you all that I don't care about looking good.  It's natural. I do want to feel attractive and pretty and I do want to keep this self confidence.  I told a different friend last night that really the #1 driving factor through all of this is my health. I want to be healthy. I want to make good choices and teach by example.  I do not want my kids to ever have to worry about obesity. And I definitely do not ever want my kids or family to worry about my health because I never did anything to combat illnesses related to being over weight. 

My point is, MAKE IT PART OF YOUR LIFE.  I got home at 10:45 last night after our get together.  Yuck. 10:45? No thanks. So you know what I did? I got my damn work out clothes on and pressed play. I did the hardest hour long work out I've ever done. Wanna know why? Because I finally matter.  Because it's hard and it's important and that's what makes it great. 

Recovery Week

Ahhhhhhhhh.......

RE-COV-ERY week.  This is the one week where we get to "rest" and let our muscles "recover."  We are doing Core Cardio and Balance and although it's not as bad as I thought it would be, it's still sweat inducing.  I'm not sure if I can really say that it's satisfying. After 4 weeks of kicking my butt, I don't feel finished at the end. I guess that's the point. You're supposed to have worked-out, but you shouldn't be exhausted by the end. 

I have to admit that I'm discouraged.  4 1/2 weeks of working hard, eating well, pushing myself, pushing play and I'm not seeing the results I want.  I've lost about 3 pounds and about 1/2 inch from all of the measurements I took. I didn't expect to look like I super model, but I thought maybe a little more weight, a few more inches, etc. Again...why am I doing this and why is it worth it? My knees hurt, I'm tired...blah blah blah.  I guess you can say that I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself. I had a discussion the other day with someone about how a negative person will always just find the negative in anything, regardless of how good something is.  I feel like that today. The last few days actually.  I don't feel good enough.  I don't feel adequate.  I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything significant.

I'll tell you why.  Because I don't want to sit on the couch anymore. I don't want to shop in the WOMEN'S section at age 30.  I'm doing all I can to fight obesity, diabetes, heart disease, etc.  So I'm having a crappy, "poor-me" day. Crying and moaning about it doesn't change it.  I don't want to work-out tonight because I KNOW my knees will hurt.  I KNOW that I'll probably still be discouraged after I step on the scale in the morning. I KNOW that I'll feel even worse if I don't just suck it up and do it.

My daughter said something to me this morning that I should write down and carry with me. 

DISCLAIMER: I realize that I shouldn't talk about my struggles with my body with a 10 yr old impressionable girl. I get that it could mess with her body image and I really try to emphasize that I'm not doing this to be skinny and beautiful, but that I'm doing this to be healthy and happy.

OK, having said that, here is what she said.
"Mom, you don't look like all of the other moms. Maybe you're just as skinny as you're supposed to be right now and that's just OK."  That's some pretty deep insight from a pre-teen.  That has really stuck with me all day.

  I've been thinking about how angry I've been lately and how quick my temper has gotten.  Why is it SO hard for me to immediately see things in a positive light? It's because I have always been a negative person.  I have always just assumed the worst, let that self-doubt get to me and I have given up.  I told you all from the beginning that I would have great days and that I would have bad days. I never promised that all of my blogs would be sunshine and rainbows.  I really have been very close to tears all day and the only thing that has held them back has been my disdain for having self pity.  I am SO over playing the victim in life.  Sometimes it creeps back in, I'm not gonna lie.  Sometimes I feel like it would just make things easier for me if I just felt sorry for myself and made everyone around me miserable. It would seem easier than pretending to be happy and cheerful and happy-go-lucky. Truthfully, sometimes it is easier. But it never makes me feel better. It never fixes the problem.  Putting on a happy face and forcing myself to see the positive and good in everything has started to change my everyday perspective.  Sound a little new-age? I don't care.  It's not hurting me to breathe deeper. It's not hurting me to take a second and close my eyes and focus. Goosfraba, right? I so hate that word. Hakuna Matata is even more annoying. From now on, I'm just gonna close my eyes, breathe deeply and say, "Butter."

Month 1 and DONE!

OK, I have now deleted what I've written 3 times. I'm not sure how I want to go about this post because there are so many things I want to talk about! Maybe I'll just break it down into little sections so it doesn't become a mindless ramble of my "7-hours-on-the-road-train-of-thought." 

First order of business.
           I finished a whole MONTH of Insanity only skipping ONE workout totally without bothering to make it up.  I feel like it's OK that I skipped yesterday as I was on the road all day trying to get home and by the time I even thought about doing it, it was 10 pm and I was exhausted.  That is 4 weeks of pushing play, pushing myself, crying, sweating, swearing. Done. I feel amazing and I cannot wait to see how I feel in another 5 weeks! (Not to mention how I'm gonna look!)

Secondly.
          Music.  I don't think there is anything as inspiring in life as music. The list of emotions that music can pull from you is very long.  Music can make you laugh, cry, ache, love, hurt, joyful, pensive...it's almost endless.  I mention music because it's the one thing we can count on to back us up. Really! How many times have we blasted music to fuel our emotions when we're angry, happy, pumped up, sad?  If you're unmotivated. Turn on some music. Start dancing around the house and go crazy! No one can see you and you'll feel great afterwards.  Of all the music I listened to on my trip there were two pretty cheesy songs that totally pumped me up and brought me a little more perspective. They are"

 Jason Mraz: The Remedy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0x1yBiFiUw

The lyrics are great. My favorite line is this, "You can turn off the sun, but I'm still going to shine..."

Why worry your life away?  Then there's this one.

Christina Aguilara: Fighter
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PstrAfoMKlc

OK, so the video is weird. As I listened to the lyrics of this song and sang along and the only person I could think of while I was singing this was.....myself. I would never be where I am today if I hadn't been who I was before. Read the lyrics.  Right here is the anger that fuels my fire.

Third thing.
        Compliments are SO humbling..and awesome. I saw family this weekend that I haven't seen in a few years and I was so humbled and grateful for the compliments that I received.  It felt amazing. Better than I've felt in years.  For the first time in years I didn't feel invisible.  Most of you that know me know that I've always been a little bit of an attention hog.  So I will selfishly and shamelessly say right now that I loved it. OK, modesty is back now.

Last thing.
        I think I have said this before, but I am so surprised and humbled by the effect my blog has had on people. I never thought that I could/would inspire others. I started this to keep myself accountable and sometimes even vent.  I am amazed at the positive response I've received from all of this.  I am grateful that others want to get back on track and start Insanity or even just start being healthier. Really truly from the bottom of my heart.  You all inspire me to keep going and to keep pushing.  I feel as though if I were to give up now or start slacking, it would all have been for nothing.

Keep pushing play. Keep making healthy choices. Kick your own butt.  Kill your self-doubts and do it. I have and I'm still getting stronger every day.  It's not a chore, it's a habit.  Your health IS important. YOU are important. YOU matter!  Whatever demons you need to fight, keep fighting.  One day at a time, right? Right.