Recovery Week

Ahhhhhhhhh.......

RE-COV-ERY week.  This is the one week where we get to "rest" and let our muscles "recover."  We are doing Core Cardio and Balance and although it's not as bad as I thought it would be, it's still sweat inducing.  I'm not sure if I can really say that it's satisfying. After 4 weeks of kicking my butt, I don't feel finished at the end. I guess that's the point. You're supposed to have worked-out, but you shouldn't be exhausted by the end. 

I have to admit that I'm discouraged.  4 1/2 weeks of working hard, eating well, pushing myself, pushing play and I'm not seeing the results I want.  I've lost about 3 pounds and about 1/2 inch from all of the measurements I took. I didn't expect to look like I super model, but I thought maybe a little more weight, a few more inches, etc. Again...why am I doing this and why is it worth it? My knees hurt, I'm tired...blah blah blah.  I guess you can say that I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself. I had a discussion the other day with someone about how a negative person will always just find the negative in anything, regardless of how good something is.  I feel like that today. The last few days actually.  I don't feel good enough.  I don't feel adequate.  I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything significant.

I'll tell you why.  Because I don't want to sit on the couch anymore. I don't want to shop in the WOMEN'S section at age 30.  I'm doing all I can to fight obesity, diabetes, heart disease, etc.  So I'm having a crappy, "poor-me" day. Crying and moaning about it doesn't change it.  I don't want to work-out tonight because I KNOW my knees will hurt.  I KNOW that I'll probably still be discouraged after I step on the scale in the morning. I KNOW that I'll feel even worse if I don't just suck it up and do it.

My daughter said something to me this morning that I should write down and carry with me. 

DISCLAIMER: I realize that I shouldn't talk about my struggles with my body with a 10 yr old impressionable girl. I get that it could mess with her body image and I really try to emphasize that I'm not doing this to be skinny and beautiful, but that I'm doing this to be healthy and happy.

OK, having said that, here is what she said.
"Mom, you don't look like all of the other moms. Maybe you're just as skinny as you're supposed to be right now and that's just OK."  That's some pretty deep insight from a pre-teen.  That has really stuck with me all day.

  I've been thinking about how angry I've been lately and how quick my temper has gotten.  Why is it SO hard for me to immediately see things in a positive light? It's because I have always been a negative person.  I have always just assumed the worst, let that self-doubt get to me and I have given up.  I told you all from the beginning that I would have great days and that I would have bad days. I never promised that all of my blogs would be sunshine and rainbows.  I really have been very close to tears all day and the only thing that has held them back has been my disdain for having self pity.  I am SO over playing the victim in life.  Sometimes it creeps back in, I'm not gonna lie.  Sometimes I feel like it would just make things easier for me if I just felt sorry for myself and made everyone around me miserable. It would seem easier than pretending to be happy and cheerful and happy-go-lucky. Truthfully, sometimes it is easier. But it never makes me feel better. It never fixes the problem.  Putting on a happy face and forcing myself to see the positive and good in everything has started to change my everyday perspective.  Sound a little new-age? I don't care.  It's not hurting me to breathe deeper. It's not hurting me to take a second and close my eyes and focus. Goosfraba, right? I so hate that word. Hakuna Matata is even more annoying. From now on, I'm just gonna close my eyes, breathe deeply and say, "Butter."