Sense of Serenity

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and Wisdom to know the difference.

These last few days have been a whirlwind!  My beachbody coach, Kristen asked us all to think of a goal we'd like to accomplish in the next week or so. My goal was to finish my workout everyday that my company is here! Usually, I get the kids down for the mid day nap, bust out my Insanity and shower just in time for them to wake up, but since we have company staying with us, this hasn't been do-able. Saturday I KNEW was going to be a super busy day, so I went for a run instead and ran my 2 miles 5 minutes faster than I usually run it, just since starting Insanity! That's incredible to me! Then Sunday, we went shopping for a little while just to get out of the house and I was able to try on some clothes. Not only did I get to try on clothes, the clothes I put on were 1-2 sizes smaller than what I have been wearing the last few months. So, having said that, here is an amazing example of just how far things have come since I had Joseph.....

Remember this pictures? Wedding day 2009? Yeah...check this out suckers....

Yep, that's the same ugly brown dress I was wearing in the above photo...which was TIGHT on me.  That little white beauty right thar is the amazing cute little dress I got on Sunday. Can you say, "HOLY COW!?" Proof is in the pudding folks.

Now, as it is not a super modest dress, I haven't quite found anything to cover up with, so I'm not going to post a picture of me wearing yet. 

I have accepted the things I cannot change about myself. I have the courage to change the things I can and I know enough now to know the difference. I will always have stretch marks. I will always have that annoying vein in my forehead that pops when I smile. I might always have to tuck and hide things. But I have changed my attitude about myself. I have changed my body and am still working on it. I know my flaws and I know my strengths, and I love them both because they make me, me.

Last nights work out was hard. The Internet connection that I use to stream the videos from my computer to my TV kept freezing and disconnecting and I ended up taking about a half hour longer than I usually do to work out. I was SO mad! I just wanted to finish. It was 9:30 pm, I was tired and SO over it. I finally finished at 10:45. As I was showering the sweat away, I was totally at peace. I'd finished. Again. I still kept pushing play, as mad as I was. Remember last time when I said I was angry? It must have fueled my workout. I got all of that aggression out and I felt wonderful.

I am now 23 days in. I haven't taken a break, skipped or slacked. Will you?

Days 15, 16 and 17

I have a confession to make. I didn't work out on Tuesday. I started it but 10 minutes into it my neighbor knocked on my door asking to borrow some of my bigger jeans for her daughter. Welp, since I don't wear a size 18 anymore I let her have them!  Then of course the baby woke up and wouldn't let me put him down for the rest of the day. So, I've been feeling a little guilty. Wednesday I did the Plyometric Cardio Circut and Cardio Abs and it kicked my butt. My hair was dripping sweat, but it felt great. Today I did kind of a weird work out. I still fell guilty about not doing Tuesdays work out so I did 15 minutes of my Cardio Recover, 15 minutes of Pure Cardio (skipping the warm up) and all of Cardio Abs. All in all about 45 minutes! Then I ate like a pig. At least that's what it feels like. We had Cold Stone Creamery after taking cupcakes to Kara's school today for her birthday and then we took her to a movie where I consumed a copious amount of popcorn and coke.  Are you ready everyone? Get out your butter and salt because here comes the corn. (you like that one?)

The Avengers was amazing.  I sat there totally inspired, and Thor didn't even go shirtless in this one.  I realized something as I sat there, wide-eyed and bushy tailed. What makes each Avenger special isn't his/her super power. Each one has something deep within them that makes them totally unique and when you put them all together, it's the combination of those qualities that makes them a team. I realized that to make myself that special person I've always wanted to be, I need to hone in on each of these qualities if I truly want to shine! Let me break it down for you.

Captain America/Steve Rogers: Heart. You have to have heart and courage to stand for what is right.

Iron Man/Tony Stark: Cockiness. Behind his cocky attitude, he's a genius. He knows how special he is and he flaunts it.

Thor: Humility. He was humbled from his ignorance and gives forgiveness when others would refuse.

Black Widow: Manipulation. Now, this one is tricky. I don't mean manipulation in a negative sense. You have to work for what you want.

Hawk-Eye: Focus. He is calm, collected, focused and he never misses his shot.

And now for my favorite...

Hulk/Bruce Banner: Anger. My favorite line from the movie is this:

"I think it's about time you get angry." Tony Stark
"That's my secret. I'm always angry." Bruce Banner before he hulks out.

This really hit home for me. He is such a decent, good human being but turns into this raging monster that destroys everything in his path. It's not his fault, it's his curse.  But the point I'm trying to make is this. He controls his Hulk thing by staying angry!

I'm always angry. Sometimes it slips out and I get super mad. Sometimes I say things to those whom I love because I'm angry. I'm angry that I never did more with my life. I'm angry that I let myself do stupid things. I'm angry that I let myself get to a point where I hated myself. Damn right, I'm angry. It's how I focus that anger that's going to make a difference in my life.  I can choose to take all of my rage out on others, or I can work it out and get it under control. I can focus it. I can manipulate it. I can be cocky now because I know I'm better than I once was, because I have the heart to do it.  I don't have super powers, but I have super qualities. We all do. We all have to power to be someone great.  We don't have to hide who we are because of the fear that others may judge us.

I am every Avenger, and I am a force to be reckoned with.

Speaking of Inspiration...Days 12, 13 and 14

Whoo boy.  I just did the same fit test that I did my first day 2 weeks ago. I'm fairly impressed with myself. Two weeks ago I couldn't even do a couple of the exercises on there, namely power jumps. I hate those. You know what else I hate? Push-up jacks. Yes I hate them, but yes I did them. In fact, I'm almost certain that I did double of what I did 2 weeks ago. I didn't even bother writing down my fit test results because they were so pathetic. Now I wish I had so I could tell you all how much stronger my body is and how much higher my stamina is. Granted, my results today weren't "fabulous," but it's fabulous that #1. I finished, and #2. I didn't take a break during any of the minute long exercises. That's huge!

Now on to the really inspiring part. I have to say that I have the most amazing set of friends on earth. White, black, gay, straight, pear-shaped, boy-shaped, square-shaped. You are all beautiful. I am so incredibly humbled by the amount of support and encouragement I've been getting. I have a couple of friends who are starting the program just after hearing me talk about it.  I have so many people in my life that are such an amazing positive influence on me health wise and it makes me so happy that I can also have a positive influence on those around me.  I'm not really a name dropper so if I mention you, I hope you KNOW it's you and how proud I am of you! 

Friend #1. One of my best friends on earth. Beautiful inside and out. Has been through hell and back and has amazing strength and drive. YOU inspired me to do this and have always given me that push to make me feel better about myself inside and out. You're dirty, but I love you!

Friend #2.  Also one of my best friends on earth. I have SO been where you are now and I love you to death. I am always here for you and considering where we've both been, we've both come a long way. Your compassion and love for those with special needs inspires me to be a kinder, more accepting, loving person everyday.

Friend #3. You won't ever read this, but THANK YOU for showing me who I do not EVER want to be. I'm inspired every day by your failure and SO thankful that I'm DONE trying to be someone I wasn't.

Friend #4. We don't know eachother very well, but I'm so looking forward to getting you know you better. What you told me the other night convinced me to keep going with this blog because it has made a difference. My words mean something to someone else! Thank you! I was so humbled to hear you say those things:) I'm excited that you want to start the program as well:)

Friend #5. You also will probably never read this. I love you. You are my rock and the one person in this life that totally keeps me grounded and in line. When you have a helium balloon for a head like I do, you need that one thing to keep you tied down. You do that for me and you inspire me everyday with your unconditional love, support and guidance.  I would be lost without you by my side every day.

Ok, enough with the sappy crap. Almost. I have tried to surround myself with the kind of people I strive to be like. I am myself, but you all possess qualities within yourselves that I need to nuture within me and help grow. Patience, kindness, devotion, pure love....you all contribute beautiful things to my life and I thank you for them!

14 days and I am a happier, healthier person. Can you imagine the transformation in another 45 days? I'm catching fire! (Feel free to interpret that statement whichever way you please fellow book geeks:)

Days 9, 10 and 11.

Has it really been 11 days since I started? Have I really not missed a single day? Wow! I should feel incredible, right? I should feel on top of the world, right? Wrong. I feel totally defeated. I don't feel defeated by Insanity. I don't feel defeated by the world, or anyone in it...except for me. Me...Miss Enthusiasm. Miss Congeniality.  Miss I-Can-Do-Anything.

I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I'm not really that kind of person anymore. I'm still not here to tell you I hate my body. I still don't. I'm not here to tell you how much my life sucks, because it doesn't. My life is wonderful.

I'm here today to talk about how much your brain can get in your way. I just read a humorous blog/article by Cindy Brown about the Power of Suggestion. Our minds are powerful things. She talks about a neighborhood kid coming over with head lice and then feeling her head itch the rest of the day.

I am like that. I guess I'm easily persuaded. All day my brain has been telling me to just give up. Give in. You're done. This always happens to me sooner or later. I don't see what I want to see fast enough and the ol' brain starts working on me. I ate TERRIBLY today. And last night. Combine that with not losing, but GAINING a couple of pounds and I really feel done for. I feel as if I've totally ruined everything I've worked for the last 11 days. Every calorie I didn't consume, every countdown to the last second of Insanity...wasted. 

You know what I think? I think losing weight is 20% exercise, 30% diet and 50% psychological. Getting over yourself and your doubts is half of the problem. 50% goes to doing it and 50% is trying not to think about it. I've definitely over-thought this today. Why should I continue? What is the point, really? The point is that I need to finish what I've started, for once in my life, for whatever reason. The point is getting healthier. The point is to look back and say, "Yep, I did Insanity and I could do it again, even BETTER this time!"

I'm really good and psyching myself out.  Will you listen to how incredibly pathetic I sound? I'm sorry to be so negative but the truth is, I'm still going to put on my work-out clothes. I'm still going to slide into my shoes. I'm still going to fill my water bottle, get my towel to soak up the sweat (and quite possibly, more tears.) I'm still going to feel so relieved in the shower. I'm still going to feel awesome afterwards. I'm still going....11 days later, almost broken and almost, almost totally defeated, I'm still going. 

Don't let your brain talk you out of what's best for you. You only regret the workouts you don't do, right? Um, yeah actually, that's true. I don't regret working out. I do regret eating poorly the last 24 hours, but it's not the end of the world. Sure, I'm exhausted today from a baby who woke up at 3:30 and 5:30 and 7:30 wanting to play and from a little headstrong 2 yr old who said nothing but, "NO MAMA!" and "STOP IT MAMA!" and hit and pushed and bit me all day. But that's my life. And it's wonderful. And it's mine. And I wouldn't change it!

So tonight after the monsters are (hopefully) snuggled in bed I will, albeit very reluctantly, press play. And tomorrow will be another day to get through. And the next day. And if I keep this up, in 49 days I will see results. I can say that I never gave up. I will feel that accomplishment, and I will feel silly for ever writing this.

Tonight, I'm telling my brain to go to hell.

Inspiration and Appreciation. Days 6, 7 and 8

Whoops! I meant to blog Saturday and Sunday, but it turned out to be a pretty busy weekend!

So on Friday night after work, I walked into the house and I said, "It smells weird in here! Did you cook something? It smells like burned rubber or something." Ryan said, "Nope, I dont' know what you mean." I let it go. I mentioned that I was going to meet my friend Erin at the Farmers Market the next morning and that I would take the kids so Ryan could go on the bike ride he'd been talking about. He kinda looked at me a little sheepishly and said, "Oh really? I thought we could maybe hang out tomorrow morning." Then he led me down the hall and opened the back bedroom door and there was my mothers day present:

A brand new (and purple) bike and a ride-behind child carrier! I'm so excited that I can now go for bike rides! The last bike ride I went on was probably 5 years ago and my bike was stolen not long after that. So we hopped on Saturday morning, hitched the kids up and went for a ride. The kids kinda lost it after 4 1/2 miles, so we turned around and came back. A 9 mile bike ride isn't bad! My butt hurts, but I'm sure that will subside over time:)  Anyway, I skipped Insanity on Saturday and saved it for Sunday, which would've been our day off anyway, so I just switched days.

Last night, after an amazing mothers day and lots of food that I "don't eat anymore," I had to work out. I had to. If I skipped one day, I'm gonna skip two, then three and I'll have given up before I know it. Put my workout clothes on, VERY reluctantly, got the kids in bed and shooed my husband away.  Ooooo mama was it hard. I was dripping sweat by the first set of stretching. Granted, it was pretty warm in our place last night, but I know it was mostly because I was working hard. I took a few extra breaks when my body just couldn't do it anymore. I threw up a little once...TMI? I had about 7 minutes left and I was just so ready to stop, I was so tired. Ryan walked out and all he said, quietly, was, "Good job honey. Don't give up! I'm proud of you!" I immediately started to cry, but it kept me going. As soon as that last second was up, I sat down and cried. For like 5 minutes I cried. Now, Ryan is an amazing husband and father, but he usually doesn't really say things like that. Not because he's mean or anything, but because I usually know that he's proud of me. But to hear it outloud, something in me clicked.  I took a long hot bath (the first in about 3 months) and thought about my life. I have been given SO many gifts, blessings, opportunities. How many of those have I let pass by? How many times have I really used my gifts? How many of those blessings have I really given thanks for?  After my bath, I crawled into bed. Ryan was still playing a game and I re-read my Mothers Day cards. I am so incredibly blessed. Tears started to pour again. I was so happy. Happy that I have 3 incredible kids that adore me. Happy that I have a husband who loves me unconditionally and is so supportive. Happy that for once I'm not letting an opportunity pass me by. Happy that I've been given a body that is healthy. Just purely happy.

Mothers Day comes once a year where it's "celebrated." You know what? Mothers Day is everyday in my home. Everyday I get the opportunity to spend time with my children. Everyday I get to clean up messes, wipe boogers, change diapers, pick up the food on the floor for the millionth time and you knwo what? I wouldn't have it any other way. I have the most amazing job in the world. As much as they cry and whine and grab and push and pull....I wouldnt' change a thing. Children are the purest thing in this world. Their emotions and totally pure and un-corrupted. If you want a cookie, you want a damn cookie. If you want your mom, you want your mom NOW dangit! 

I can already say that Insanity has changed my life. I never thought I had this kind of will and drive. I never realized that a workout video could change my outlook on life. It is incredible how internal this drive has gone. This is probably the dumbest comparison you've ever heard, but do you all remember the Care Bears? Remember the Care Bear Stare? How it comes out of their chests in a big beam of whatever kind of bear they are? That's almost what it's like. Not literally of course because that would REALLY be somethin, but metaphorically. It's like this drive just pours from my chest and conquers all of my doubts and fears. Next time I'm working out and I want to give up I'm gonna yell, "Care Bear STAAAAAAAAAAARRE!" and if I'm not laughing too hard, I will finish.

Care Bear Stare!

So my friends, if you are having doubts that its just not working for you, don't give up. Please don't give up. If you really love yourself, you won't.  Next time you're feeling down, yell it. I don't care how silly it is.  It means that your heart is stronger than your brain. When your brain is telling you to stop and give up, let your heart take over. If anything, you'll get a good laugh out of it! Go buy yourself a little Care Bear...whichever one you want.



You probably all think I'm totally nuts now, and yes the whole Care Bear thing is silly and a little stupid, but I think I've made my point. Let it come from deep inside. Once that little seed is planted, you have to nurture it and tend to it to help it grow.

Abruptly the poker of memory stirs the ashes of recollection and uncovers a forgotten ember, still smoldering down there, still hot, still glowing, still red as red.”   -William Manchester

This is my message today. Stoke the fire!

By Comparison....Day 5

I cried this morning...hard. Yesterday I felt amazing. I was at the mall and found a dress I felt beautiful in. Not only did I feel beautiful, the dress is 4 sizes smaller than what I've been wearing for over 4 years. Today though, I got up at 5:30, ate a piece of wheat toast with peanut butter and an apple and stretched for a few minutes before starting Pure Cardio. By mid warm-up I was already tired and needing a break. About 15 minutes in I paused it, sat down and sobbed. I didn't really know why. Was it because I was still tired? Was it because I'm so sore? Then it hit me. I'm not as good as the people in the video. I can't keep up. I've got mom flab bouncing around and in some exercises, I have to hold my chest down. TMI? Probably, but it's the truth.  I am not an athlete. Never have been, probably never will be. Do I want to be an athlete? Nope.  Do I want to go for a hike without stopping to rest every 5 minutes? Yup. I have to admit that after 5 days of eating clean and lean and working out hard, I haven't dropped a single pound. I know I shouldn't care, and maybe I'm contradicting myself here, but I do care.  I don't care about being a hottie with a naughty body (picked up that phrase from my brother.) I don't care about bikini's and short shorts. I want the self confidence to put on an outfit, say "OK" and not feel like I need to tuck or adjust or hide anything.

So what's my problem? My problem is that I'm comparing myself to #1. A fitness professional and #2. The super-fit athletes in the video. Why on EARTH would I do that!? These people weren't born all muscled and fit. THEY worked for it and they are fit and in shape and totally capable of intense exercise. I'M on my 5th day. So seriously? C'mon, I'm better than that to get discouraged because I can't keep up. You know what I've been good at so far this week? Not quitting. Not shutting it off. Putting on my work out clothes. Eating well. Staying positive and as Shawn T says, "Digging deeper."

So no, I'm not here to complain and make you feel sorry for me. I don't care what other excuses I may have to not exercise. It just has to get done and be part of my day. I'm thinking that 6 am is NOT an ideal time for me. I think I do better mid-morning like I've been doing. And you know what else? My body doesn't really know WHAT I'm doing to it right now and I have to remember that it needs to catch up. The weight will come off, the work outs will get a teence easier, I won't be as sore next week. I just have to keep at it. I'm done comparing myself to others. I've spent my whole life trying to make other people happy and SO worried about what OTHER people thought of me and if OTHER people like me. Guess what? I don't care anymore. I want ME to like me. And I do.

                                                 There is a light at the end of this tunnel!

Day 4: Cardio Recovery by BUTT!!

Today was Cardio Recovery. They should call it "You-thought-you-were-gonna-have-it-easy-today-haha!"  My legs are shaking, my calves hurt and at this very moment my body is giving me the middle finger.

I have to confess that I almost quit today. not quit for good, just skipped this work out. Both of the kids were whining and clawing at me, Lucy was throwing food and the floor and needed to pee every 2 minutes. Joseph was at his most pathetic following me around, crying, pulling on my shoes and my pants...*sigh*. I ALMOST gave up. Almost. Then I kept reminding myself how crappy I would feel if I skipped a day. It's almost dishonest. You have to commit.  I can tell that my muscles are looking leaner. I haven't really lost anymore weight, but it's only day 4! I'm kind of a "quick results" girl. Well guess what, Insanity is only 60 days but believe me, this is not an easy quick fix. There's nothing easy about it. Even when I do the breathing into the stretches I feel like I'm gonna pass out. But I do it. I commit. SO, off to finish the rest of my day! Good luck everyone!

Here are some examples of how my legs and arms are starting to define:



Ooh La la legs!



Leanish and meanish

Can you show me the way to the gun show?

Day 3: Cardio Power and Resistance

Wow. I wish I could say I am speechless, but then this blog would be pointless. I....feel...INCREDIBLE.  Yes, I took breaks when I needed to and yes, once I had to stop to take a kid to the potty but I finished it again. As my mom would say (with 100% more sarcasm,) "MIRACLES NEVER CEASE!"  I needed a miracle today. I woke up sore, my neck tweaked from sleeping with the baby again all night. My calves hurt. My back is aching. I took 2 Ibuprofen and put my big girl panties on. After a run to a Dr's appointment for Lucy, we came home, ate lunch and I put the cretins to bed. Then I kicked my own *%&. Literally. Butt kicks suck. So do power jumps and moving push ups. But I did it! I finished again. Sweat was dripping and I wanted to throw up but I finished.  I don't think I swore today, but I might have. Day 3...KILLED IT! (And I'm super proud of myself:)
With Insanity, it's recommended that for your suggested daily calorie intake that you eat 5 small meals a day. OK...I needed some clarification because I cannot eat 5 times a day! That seems so counter-productive to me. So I asked my awesome Beachbody Coach, Kristin Hatch just what I'm supposed to be doing. Eat a healthy breakfast, and throughout the day, eat a few snacks, i.e. an apple, banana, protein bar/shake and your meals should get smaller throughout the day. OK, THAT makes sense to me. Yesterday I had 5 small meals all about 400 calories each. I felt sick by the end of the night and a little defeated thinking maybe I should go for a run or something.  Now that I'm more informed as to what/how I should be eating, I think I can do it! 

Insanity has a great nutrition program. It gives you different tiers of food ranging from best to worst. It says that if you only eat from the first two tiers then you would have a near-perfect diet. Well guess what? Most of the foods that I love are on the first two tiers! Sure I love pasta and I LOVE croissants, but those can be eaten sparingly, like for a special occasion. And guess what else? Your body NEEDS carbs when you're exercising! Your body needs food to keep your metabolism up. Again, I'm not one for cheesy quotes but I think theses ones are especially true:

OK, this last one has taken me a LONG time to figure out. How often do we feed ourselves out of boredom? How often do we overeat because we're celebrating? OK guys, we all know that I'm not a nutritionist. I still have horrible days where I eat terrible things. I'm HUMAN! Having said that, I am getting way better at eating when my body feels hungry or tired, rather then when I just feel like it. And THEN I choose healthy snacks. It's a daily battle. Do I eat the apple or do I drink a coke? Do I scramble all 3 whole eggs or spend a little extra time to separate the egg whites from the yolks?

I read somewhere that it takes 21 days to make or break a habit...something like that. 21 days? So all you have to do is make better choices at home and at the grocery store for 21 days. Is it going to hurt you to try? 

TRY new things! TRY new foods!  Trying will turn into doing. I can't get discouraged because THAT'S what hurts me. Giving up is what hurts you. Life happens, I get that. But it goes on too.  It was my choice to get healthy. Can you imagine how much different my life would be if I were at a point where my Dr has to say, "Get healthy or...?" By losing the little extra weight I've cut my risk of Diabetes, Heart Disease, Obesity, Pulmonary disease and certain cancers. 

OK, so hopping off of my soapbox. I'm not here to preach. I'm amazed at how many page views I've gotten already. If this can not only help me succeed, but if someone, somewhere reads this and takes that first step towards a positive change, I'm over the moon.

We're all beautiful. Don't let the media and society dictate how you should look and how you should feel about yourself. Just do it for you and the people who love you. Isn't that kinda like what they say on airplanes if something should happen? Fasten your OWN mask first, then the people who love you. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FOR THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU. Love yourself for who you are. Love yourself and the world will follow. Smile and the world smiles with you.

Day 2: Plyometric *%$&#%* Cardio Circut

SWEAT ISN'T PRETTY! (on me anyway)

Today was definitely the first day that I couldn't tell if it was sweat I was tasting or tears. For those of you that know me, I promise I'm not being dramatic here. For those of you who have done Insanity, you KNOW what I'm talking about.

I ate a healthy breakfast consisting of an egg white, mushroom scramble, an english muffin and a small glass of orange juice.  I've got to be honest, I did not want to work out today.   Well, I did, but I wanted to do it from the couch. BUT since I've got all of you guys breathing down my back I had to try, right? Fine. I put on my work-out clothes, sans shirt because it just gets in the way. I closed the curtains because the apocalypse does NOT need to be started by neighbors seeing me shirtless, and loaded 'er up. I was lucky today because Joseph went down for a nap without much fussing! Lucy just ran around jumping around "working out" with me. I have to admit I got a little sick of trying to heisman over her sippy cup. But the second circut I was SO ready to give up. Sweat was dripping off of my body and I'm sure my downstairs neighbors thought I was being attacked from the noises I was making. My body is not strong. I am thinner, yes, but not strong. I'm strong in the sense that I can carrying 50 pounds worth of kids around and up and down the stairs and run for a small distance, but when it comes to throwing around my body weight...yikes.

I am not here to put myself down and talk about how much I hate my body. Because I don't. For the first time in my life I LOVE MYSELF. I love myself enough to care about my body. I love myself enough to set an amazing example for my family! I can already see the changes. Kara wants to go out and play more instead of watch tv. Lucy runs around and says, "Yay Mama!" everytime she sees me exercising. Ryan mentioned nonchalantly that maybe he'd go for a bike ride tonight (which he hasn't done in a long time.)

I love that I care! I love that I have support! I LOVE not feeling sad or totally self-conscious about the way I look. And I've gotta say it, I LOVE the compliments I get:)

My goal weight is only 8-9 pounds away.  That's AMAZING to me! (Listen to me! This working out crap and that endorphin mumbo-jumbo must be a little legit!)

To all of my friends that are struggling or feeling down about this kind of thing. I'm not here to preach to you about what you should and shouldn't do. I would like it if this motivated you and made you feel better, but only because I'm going through it with you. I'm no better or worse than the next chick trying to get healthy. I'm walking/running/spinning/dancing/yoga-ing/barfing RIGHT BESIDE YOU! I will hold your hand every step of the way.

I started out loving that I was losing weight so fast after Joseph. He was/is breastfeeding and the weight just melted off. Then I started to think, "What's going to happen when he stops?" Then it hit me. I haven't earned any of it. Sure, I lost weight with Lucy, but by the time I got pregnant with Joe it had all come right back. Because I never tried.  So with Joseph, I started trying. I started eating better, I starting exercising just doing "Just Dance" on my Wii for 1/2 a day until my dr said I could start exercising regularly. Then I tried running. First time I ran, it was brutal. My lungs were burning and the next day my shins hurt so bad that I had trouble walking for a week. Then I ran a mile...then 2 miles...then I ran my first 5K in March. Holy COW did that feel amazing! I finally felt was it was like to EARN something that I had worked for.

So friends, that is my message today. EARN IT.

Insanity Day 1: Fit Test

HOLY COW.

This is a very accurate portrayal of how I'm feeling right now. But hey, that's some awesome cleavage! 

I've got to come right out and say it. I am out of shape. 50 pounds or not, I am totally out of shape. Sure I can run 2 miles and blah blah blah but dang. Today was our first day of INSANITY. Wait, no, not even really our first day. Today was the Fit Test. Nothing spells out motivation like the words, "I Suck."  Ok, so I don't suck but I must admit I feel like throwing up

All jokes aside, I KNOW I'm taking a step in the right direction. I KNOW how good this is for me. I KNOW that I'll be happier and healthier. No pain, no gain, right? No SACRIFICE, no gain. I believe that the sweetest things in life are the things you work for and the things you earn. I'm going to earn this. No one can do it for me. The only thing holding me back is ME and my second-guessing brain. I'm gonna have horrible days and I'm going to have great days. Good or bad, they're going to be absolutely worth it.  I think my family will appreciate and hopefully grow from my example. I don't want my kids to see their mother as a lazy, complacent woman who never did anything for herself. I want to show my kids how to be healthy and active and how to take care of their bodies and how to Number 1. RESPECT THEMSELVES.

I never had must self respect. I don't plan on going into too much detail here but for all of you that REALLY know me, you know.  I've gone from ok, to bad, to worse to WORST. It's climbing myself out of that hole that matters here. I'm still climbing....I'm still climbing.

This is me on my wedding day, October 16, 2009. I was shocked to see these pictures. I cried when I saw these pictures. Granted, my wedding day wasn't traditional, but it was just a special as any big soiree and I looked like this. This is me at my absolute heaviest. 218 pounds.  I am totally ashamed that I let this happen to myself. This was at a point in my life where taking care of myself was the absolute last thing on my agenda. Obviously.

I think anyone who has ever been heavy knows what I'm feeling as I'm sitting here typing this, staring at this image. I feel sick to my stomach and I cannot help but sit back and cry. This was also a point in my life where I was horribly depressed whether or not I wanted to admit it. I fed my pain with food. I didn't care. My body is supposed to be a temple and I DIDN'T CARE.


I was always thin. I was a stork. At least that's what my brothers called me. I danced ballet, I rode my bike all over the neighborhood. I was a skinny skinny kid. I would try out for sports i.e. basketball, volleyball, track, but would always quit because I never felt like I had the support I needed to continue. Something in me always told me just to give up and quit. Eventually I quit ballet, I quit piano, I quit running around the neighborhoods.

By the time I was a junior in highschool, we were required to take P.E. anymore and at the time, it was great! No more forced exercise, yay! (If only I knew then...) Eventually I started to notice that my super-sized double quarter pounder meals started to leave their mark. I started gaining weight. Not a ton of weight, but enough that my clothing sizes got a bit bigger. By the time I graduated, I'd gained 10-15 pounds. Ok, so what!?

My terrible eating habits only worsened by working in restaurants and being totally and completely lazy. By the time I was 19, I had gained another 15 pounds. Then at age 20, I became a mother of a beautiful baby girl, Kara. She was my everything. After I had her, I dropped a little weight and I was happy for that! But, the role of the single mother takes its toll, no matter how easy I had it. I lived with my parents, but I still worked and went to school full time.  Exercise wasn't even in my vocabulary at that point. By age 22 I was back up and at a higher weight than when I got pregnant. 185. I met my husband in 2004 and we started dating 8 months after we met. We were happy! We ate out...and ate out...and ate out. He stayed thin, I however did not. By 2009, I was 218 pounds. I still remember the day that I stepped on the scale and it said 200. I cried and cried and cried and vowed that that was it. No more. Obviously that didn't stick.

I went through a lot of depression and had very high stress levels. At one point, not only was I a "single" mother, but had 3 jobs and went to school full time. I didn't have time to think about healthy food or exercise!

Ok ok...this is getting long so I'll get to the point. We just had our 3 child almost 8 months ago and because nursing him has gone so well, I dropped almost 50 pounds. NOT something that I ever would've been able to do on my own. I owe my son my life. Because of him and dropping this weight, I have some vigor and drive back in my life as far as staying healthy. That 50 pounds jump started my drive to make myself better, not only for my own sanity, but for my children! They deserve so much more than a mom that won't go play soccer with them, or a mom that is too tired to chase them around the park.  I WANT to be healthy! I don't want to quit anymore!

I am starting Insanity tomorrow. Insane, right? 60 days to a better me. Don't I deserve that much? I'm gonna need all of the support and encouragement one can give!  I will never look at another picture of myself and cry. Ever.