Has it really been 11 days since I started? Have I really not missed a single day? Wow! I should feel incredible, right? I should feel on top of the world, right? Wrong. I feel totally defeated. I don't feel defeated by Insanity. I don't feel defeated by the world, or anyone in it...except for me. Me...Miss Enthusiasm. Miss Congeniality. Miss I-Can-Do-Anything.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I'm not really that kind of person anymore. I'm still not here to tell you I hate my body. I still don't. I'm not here to tell you how much my life sucks, because it doesn't. My life is wonderful.
I'm here today to talk about how much your brain can get in your way. I just read a humorous blog/article by Cindy Brown about the Power of Suggestion. Our minds are powerful things. She talks about a neighborhood kid coming over with head lice and then feeling her head itch the rest of the day.
I am like that. I guess I'm easily persuaded. All day my brain has been telling me to just give up. Give in. You're done. This always happens to me sooner or later. I don't see what I want to see fast enough and the ol' brain starts working on me. I ate TERRIBLY today. And last night. Combine that with not losing, but GAINING a couple of pounds and I really feel done for. I feel as if I've totally ruined everything I've worked for the last 11 days. Every calorie I didn't consume, every countdown to the last second of Insanity...wasted.
You know what I think? I think losing weight is 20% exercise, 30% diet and 50% psychological. Getting over yourself and your doubts is half of the problem. 50% goes to doing it and 50% is trying not to think about it. I've definitely over-thought this today. Why should I continue? What is the point, really? The point is that I need to finish what I've started, for once in my life, for whatever reason. The point is getting healthier. The point is to look back and say, "Yep, I did Insanity and I could do it again, even BETTER this time!"
I'm really good and psyching myself out. Will you listen to how incredibly pathetic I sound? I'm sorry to be so negative but the truth is, I'm still going to put on my work-out clothes. I'm still going to slide into my shoes. I'm still going to fill my water bottle, get my towel to soak up the sweat (and quite possibly, more tears.) I'm still going to feel so relieved in the shower. I'm still going to feel awesome afterwards. I'm still going....11 days later, almost broken and almost, almost totally defeated, I'm still going.
Don't let your brain talk you out of what's best for you. You only regret the workouts you don't do, right? Um, yeah actually, that's true. I don't regret working out. I do regret eating poorly the last 24 hours, but it's not the end of the world. Sure, I'm exhausted today from a baby who woke up at 3:30 and 5:30 and 7:30 wanting to play and from a little headstrong 2 yr old who said nothing but, "NO MAMA!" and "STOP IT MAMA!" and hit and pushed and bit me all day. But that's my life. And it's wonderful. And it's mine. And I wouldn't change it!
So tonight after the monsters are (hopefully) snuggled in bed I will, albeit very reluctantly, press play. And tomorrow will be another day to get through. And the next day. And if I keep this up, in 49 days I will see results. I can say that I never gave up. I will feel that accomplishment, and I will feel silly for ever writing this.
Tonight, I'm telling my brain to go to hell.
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