What do I really have to say for myself? What can I say that doesn't sound like a pathetic, washed up, ridiculous excuse? I feel as though this has been kind of a bare all, no holds barred blog before so why should that change now? I guess by posting this I can finally shed some of this old, dead skin and start anew. So here it goes.
I feel like crap. And not in the, "Ugh, I'm sick and need to lay in bed" type of crap. Crap as in I have felt nothing but worthless, lazy, downtrodden and contentious for months now. This is not a new problem for me. I have definitely battled depression many times, for many years. I know some of you may scoff at the idea of depression as "Oh, they just don't want to be happy," or "Why do they think they have anything to complain about?" Let me tell you a little secret. It has absolutely nothing to do with any of that. Here is a direct quote, from me, as posted on Facebook yesterday:
"I have, without a doubt, the most wonderful life I could ask for. I am so thankful for the way life has turned out for me and for all of those unanswered prayers. I think if my life were absolutely perfect in every way, every day, that I could no longer grow, learn and adjust and that to me is a far worse fate than not having a lot of money in the bank or not having a fancy car, our own home or a perfect body. My life is perfect because it is not."
So don't think for a second that this comes from me not thinking I have a great life, because obviously I do. I have battled this thing, on and off, for about 15 years. I have taken pill after pill after pill without much progress. It definitely seems to come in 2-3 year waves. 3-4 years ago I was just about as deep into it as I've been and I came out on top. I haven't taken any kind of pill for 3 years now and I have actually felt like I could finally be done with this monster. Well...here I am. I can feel it creeping back in. It's starting to consume little aspects of me life. Little things....isn't that how things happen? It's like that metaphor with the frog and the boiling water. If you a frog into boiling water, it's going to jump right out, but if you put the frog into cold water and then turn on the heat, it's not going to know whats happening until its too late and it's literally and metaphorically in hot water and boiling to death.
I can say however that I am grateful for having prior experience with all of this. I now know the warning signs. I know that what I'm feeling isn't right and isn't healthy. And I know that if I don't put a damper on this particular flame that it's going to erupt into pure wildfire.
I want to clarify that I am in no sense a danger to myself or to my family. And honestly, I cannot believe that I am actually writing all of this down for the world to see. I am hoping, almost against hope, that this will help me climb from the black, sticky pit and get on with my wonderful life. That sounded super sarcastic, but it was not meant to. I hate feeling like this pit inside is keeping me from the most wonderful thing I have ever been given....my life. I am missing out on the most wonderful, beautiful thing I will ever have. My children will suffer. My marriage will suffer.
As I was "researching" depression online and how to combat it naturally I was hit with an army of bad advice, ridiculous advice and some not-so-ridiculous advice. Going with the lesser of evils, I decided to look into some of the no-so-ridiculous advice and I was kinda/sorta/not really surprised at the number one answer on each list I found. Are you ready? Drum roll please...........
EXERCISE!!! Cue the confetti and balloons! Cue the music! Cue the tears!
OK not really....but really! DUH!!!!!!!!!
It was as if the multiple epiphanies all hit me at one and I may have actually seen God at one point. (Was that a little blasphemous?) I thought back to just when I started feeling these things....not one, but just over 2 months ago. Hmmmm...Sounds just about the time that I stopped exercising almost everyday. So, you're telling me that the reason I've felt so wonderful the whole last YEAR is because I was exercising? Sounds like I already have my answer. Honestly, I have never felt better than I have in this last year. I lost all of that weight, I had a new son, I was so healthy and I cared about my health. I still do....but proof is in the pudding right? Literally in the pudding in this case. In the last 2 1/2 months, I have gained 15 pounds back, stopped eating healthy (for the most part), and stopped exercising. No WONDER I feel like crap! I don't care who you are, when your "skinny" clothes that you were so excited to buy don't fit right anymore, it freaking sucks.
So, one day at a time here. Yesterday I had a wonderful, hilarious, OULA inspired dance party with my kids and today I'm sore. Maybe, if it's not disgustingly smokey (as it has been for over a month now here) I will go running tonight. Maybe, just maybe I can remember how wonderful I felt and start mountain climbing the crap out of this hole.
Simba...it is time. I cannot let myself be the frog.
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