I've got to tell you all that I haven't felt very good these last few weeks. I feel like I've totally lost my drive, my will, and dedication. I feel terrible, I've been eating terribly and my mood hasn't been the greatest. I've been totally unwilling to get my workout clothes on and get something done. I'd like to blame it on the heat, but I know that it's just me being lazy. I think I've lost my accountability. Gosh, this blog really makes me seem bi-polar. One week I'm fantastic and I feel great and I'm totally motivated, and the next time you hear from me it's totally opposite.
I've spent a lot of time the last couple of weeks wishing for things that I don't have. I wish I had new furniture, new towels, new clothes, new dishes, etc. I haven't been very grateful for the things I do have lately. I feel as though I'm seriously lacking in just about every aspect of my life. And I think more than anything, getting to write everything down and "vent" helps me with my own frustrations and insecurities. Somehow getting my problems out, whether you want to read them or not, helps me re-inspire myself. So, as this one isn't really about my fitness or health, you can choose to keep reading, or go back to Pinterest ;)
I have spent a good portion of my life and time comparing my life to those around me. Secretly of course. Sometimes it slips through in a comment like, "I wish my hair would look as cute as hers," or "I wish I could decorate my house like that," etc. But most of the time I keep it to myself. There are times when I try really hard to justify my feelings/wants without much success because I know that there are things that some people have worked very hard for. Then there are things that I feel come "easily" and "naturally" to other people. Things in which I will probably never acquire. I have this friend. She is an AMAZING artist, an amazingly sweet, caring soul, a marathon runner AND an all around good person and friend and she says I'm inspiring?? I should be so lucky to be more like her. She has worked for everything she has. Not many people can say that. I certainly can't. She is more of an inspiration to me than I could ever hope to be for anyone else! She has always been herself and always stuck to what she's believed in and has rocked it. I've been trying too hard to be someone else my whole life and here I sit at age 30 just wondering what in the heck I'm really trying to accomplish.
I never finished college, I never have a clean enough house, my kids are never well-enough behaved, I'm never dressed well or done up. I still sit and talk like an awkward teenager. I still cry over the stupidest things and I even feel self conscious having a conversation with my sister because I'm afraid I'll use the wrong grammar or spell something wrong in front of her. I never feel pretty enough and even when I do, I let dumb little comments get to me and it goes right out the window. I'm always aware that someone may be looking at me and judging me. And as I sit here and cry to myself over all of the things that I am not, I keep telling myself (hoping it will make me feel better,) that I am human. This is just about as sorry as I've felt for myself in a long time and I guess it's OK.
I guess it's OK because I know that tomorrow is a brand new day and even at 3 pm, there's still plenty of hours left in the day to turn my attitude around, wipe my tears and get over it. Setbacks are setbacks and yes, they're frustrating and sometimes they feel like they really put the breaks on life. I kinda sorta hate this phrase--->Take life one day at a time. How the hell else am I supposed to take life?? Every single day happens for a reason and I can either take it or take it. You read that right. There's not really any other option, right? I can handle each day as I'm going to be able to handle it and you know what? Every terrible day I've ever had in my whole life.....I've made it through. I'm still here.
There are really a lot of days where I get annoyed having to tell myself, "Just be grateful that..." or "I can be thankful for...." Sometimes I just don't want to hear it from myself. Deep breath. OK, was that enough ranting? Was there enough raving? Do you feel sorry for me? I hope you don't because I don't deserve it. I can change every single stupid thing I've complained about here and I know I'm just being a defeatist and being a lazy pile. I have every opportunity to be happy and to fix the things I think are a problem.
I may not have a lot of money to go out and buy new everything, but even if I did, would I be happy? Would those materialistic things make me truly happy? Maybe for a time, but guess what? New things get old too. Eventually my new things will get the wear and tear of life on them and they won't be so impressive anymore. I will tell you the things that make me truly happy (maybe I can really convince myself today too :)
#1. My husband. He's all mine and I'm all his.
#2. My naughty, stinky, screaming, crying, insane, hysterical, wild, crazy little hilarious toddler. She makes me grateful that she has such a strong personality because I know she'll do just fine in life.
#3. My beautiful, strong, up and coming independent, amazing pre-teen. Her strength and conviction and caring soul is exactly what the world needs right now.
#4. My cuddly, beautiful, loving little boy. He truly makes me feel needed.
#5. Watching these 3 crazy kids truly enjoy life, learn and grow everyday. They are healthy and happy.
#6. Music. Self explanatory
#7. My faults. No one is perfect, why should I expect to be?
There are many more, but these are really the most important. So here I go, off to clean my messy house. Life is not perfect, nor do I believe that it's supposed to be. A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor. I'm not a good parent because my kids are easy. I'm a good parent because I have learned how to deal with 3 VERY different, awesome personalities. I am not a good wife because I think I need to do whatever my husband wants WHEN he wants, but because I can stand up for myself, live with and love his faults and appreciate all of the hard work and dedication/devotion he shows us.
Life will go on and it's just up to me to make it the way I want it. I realize this has been long, and a little drawn out, but I truly appreciate you reading this, sticking with me and hopefully still loving me for who I truly am. You are all way more inspiring than I could ever be and I am grateful.
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