Desperation and Defeat.

Well it happened. Sorry to disappoint you all but it happened. I totally lost my motivation. I have made every excuse I can think of as to why I haven't worked out since Tuesday. It's too hot, the kids are insane, I've been too busy, it gets too late, I've been too tired, my feet hurt, my knees hurt, my heart hurts....You know what? I have one excuse. I'm just plain lazy.  I let me get the best of me.  I haven't totally given up, I want you to know that.  I realize how totally uninspiring this is and how I've built up all this hype for nothing.  And do you want to know what the worst part is? I would've been done next week.  I seriously would've had 7 workouts left and then my final fit test.  Now, because I have slacked off and been such a lazy, worthless piece of garbage, I get to do 3 whole weeks over again.  And I'm willing to accept that because I know it's nobodys fault but mine.  My diet really has gone to crap, my motivation and drive has totally fizzled and I'm 100% discouraged, disenchanted and disgusted with myself. 

Poor me, poor me, poor me.  I need the drive to finish. I need to stop making excuses again. I need to close my eyes, take a break and take a good hard look at myself and what I'm feeling. What am I feeling?  I'm feeling the stress of not feeling good enough. I'm feeling the daily stress of 3 kids and a messy house. I feel like I've totally lost control over my life/house/kids.  I don't feel adequate.  I don't feel like I do a good enough job.  So I find myself asking what the point is? What is the point when my son won't let me put him down for an hour everyday? What is the point if my 2 yr old daughter will do nothing but scream the moment I need or want to do my workout? What is the point if I have to stay up until midnight or later every night just to finish it, only to be woken up an hour later?  I cannot log jump over my baby. I cannot heisman with a 2 yr old pulling on my pants. I cannot do level 2 drills with a 10 yr old yapping at me.  Obviously I get very angry when anyone attempts to talk to me, let alone walk through the room in which I am currently occupying. I turn into a vicious, horrible beast mom. I snap, I say mean things and I get super mad. So what is the point? That isn't who I want to be. I do not want to get to a point where a workout is more important then my kids or how I treat my kids and husband.  Ok, are you ready to hear my try and convince myself why it matters and convince myself that there really IS a point?

Lets see.

#1. I don't ever want to hate the way I look/feel again. I don't want to always have it in the back of my mind that people judge me by the way I look. I don't want to feel like the ugly duckling in the room anymore.

#2. I don't want to die young of a disease I could've prevented simply by taking care of myself.

#3. I want my kids to be happy and healthy and to NEVER have to feel how I have felt most of my life about my body. It's unhealthy not only for the mind, but for the soul. I want/need them to always feel comfortable in their own skin.

#4.  I want to look the best I can look for my husband. I know that he would never/never has been/never will be embarrassed of me, but why risk it?  I secretly like thinking that people think he has a hot wife (Tmi? too bad.)

#5.  Theres really only so much stress I can handle and if it takes working out and sweating like a disgusting pig and spitting and swearing and cursing the universe to get it out, then so be it.  I'd rather take my stress out on the universe then my family. They deserve SO much better than my bad temper.

#6.  I so desperately need to say that I finally finished something positive in my life. It may not be a big flippin' deal to anyone else, but it is to me and I will finish. 

#7.  No more fat jokes.

#8.  NOT SHOPPING IN THE WOMENS SECTION AT AGE 30!!!!!!!

#9. Ripping my pants while attempting to show off my muscles rather than ripping my pants sitting down because I'm too fat.

#10. Finally saying that I earned it.

Ok, are you convinced yet? I think I am.  I cannot let myself fail totally again. I've tripped and stumbled. That's all this is.  If any of you are looking for an inspirational movie, watch "Run, Fatboy, Run." with Simon Pegg, Thandie Newton and Hank Azaria.  I absolutely adore that movie.  I need to be like Dennis and keep going. I need to WORK for what I want. I need to prove myself to ME.  I need to prove it to the naysayers and show them that I am more than just talk.  I may not have dropped a ton of weight or flattened my tummy, but the cliche' is true. It took longer than 2 months to put it on, it's gonna take longer than 2 months to work it off.  I have lost a few inches and dropped a few pounds and I definitely look better, so that should be motivation enough to just keep going. Suck it up or shut up, right? Yep. So here I go. I'm gonna suck it up, move past this crap and finish what I started.  Then I'm going to eat a cheeseburger.

On that note, here is something hilarious that happened to me the other night. I went out with some friends to sing Karaoke and we started talking about Insanity and how toned my muscles are getting, especially my legs. So as I'm attempting to pull my capri pant leg up, it totally rips and hilarity ensues. I will forever remember the night that I hulked out to a point that I ripped my pant leg...want proof? Lucky I have friends who take awesome pictures;) Enjoy...just don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.