I can't believe I'm writing this......

What do I really have to say for myself? What can I say that doesn't sound like a pathetic, washed up, ridiculous excuse? I feel as though this has been kind of a bare all, no holds barred blog before so why should that change now?  I guess by posting this I can finally shed some of this old, dead skin and start anew. So here it goes.

I feel like crap.  And not in the, "Ugh, I'm sick and need to lay in bed" type of crap. Crap as in I have felt nothing but worthless, lazy, downtrodden and contentious for months now.  This is not a new problem for me. I have definitely battled depression many times, for many years.  I know some of you may scoff at the idea of depression as "Oh, they just don't want to be happy," or "Why do they think they have anything to complain about?" Let me tell you a little secret. It has absolutely nothing to do with any of that. Here is a direct quote, from me, as posted on Facebook yesterday:

         "I have, without a doubt, the most wonderful life I could ask for. I am so thankful for the way life has turned out for me and for all of those unanswered prayers. I think if my life were absolutely perfect in every way, every day, that I could no longer grow, learn and adjust and that to me is a far worse fate than not having a lot of money in the bank or not having a fancy car, our own home or a perfect body. My life is perfect because it is not."

So don't think for a second that this comes from me not thinking I have a great life, because obviously I do.  I have battled this thing, on and off, for about 15 years.  I have taken pill after pill after pill without much progress. It definitely seems to come in 2-3 year waves.  3-4 years ago I was just about as deep into it as I've been and I came out on top. I haven't taken any kind of pill for 3 years now and I have actually felt like I could finally be done with this monster.  Well...here I am. I can feel it creeping back in.  It's starting to consume little aspects of me life. Little things....isn't that how things happen? It's like that metaphor with the frog and the boiling water. If you a frog into boiling water, it's going to jump right out, but if you put the frog into cold water and then turn on the heat, it's not going to know whats happening until its too late and it's literally and metaphorically in hot water and boiling to death.

I can say however that I am grateful for having prior experience with all of this. I now know the warning signs. I know that what I'm feeling isn't right and isn't healthy. And I know that if I don't put a damper on this particular flame that it's going to erupt into pure wildfire. 

I want to clarify that I am in no sense a danger to myself or to my family.  And honestly, I cannot believe that I am actually writing all of this down for the world to see. I am hoping, almost against hope, that this will help me climb from the black, sticky pit and get on with my wonderful life. That sounded super sarcastic, but it was not meant to.  I hate feeling like this pit inside is keeping me from the most wonderful thing I have ever been given....my life.  I am missing out on the most wonderful, beautiful thing I will ever have.  My children will suffer. My marriage will suffer.

As I was "researching" depression online and how to combat it naturally I was hit with an army of bad advice, ridiculous advice and some not-so-ridiculous advice.  Going with the lesser of evils, I decided to look into some of the no-so-ridiculous advice and I was kinda/sorta/not really surprised at the number one answer on each list I found. Are you ready? Drum roll please...........

EXERCISE!!! Cue the confetti and balloons! Cue the music! Cue the tears!

OK not really....but really!  DUH!!!!!!!!!

It was as if the multiple epiphanies all hit me at one and I may have actually seen God at one point. (Was that a little blasphemous?)  I thought back to just when I started feeling these things....not one, but just over 2 months ago.  Hmmmm...Sounds just about the time that I stopped exercising almost everyday.  So, you're telling me that the reason I've felt so wonderful the whole last YEAR is because I was exercising? Sounds like I already have my answer.  Honestly, I have never felt better than I have in this last year. I lost all of that weight, I had a new son, I was so healthy and I cared about my health.  I still do....but proof is in the pudding right? Literally in the pudding in this case.  In the last 2 1/2 months, I have gained 15 pounds back, stopped eating healthy (for the most part), and stopped exercising.  No WONDER I feel like crap! I don't care who you are, when your "skinny" clothes that you were so excited to buy don't fit right anymore, it freaking sucks. 

So, one day at a time here.  Yesterday I had a wonderful, hilarious, OULA inspired dance party with my kids and today I'm sore. Maybe, if it's not disgustingly smokey (as it has been for over a month now here) I will go running tonight.  Maybe, just maybe I can remember how wonderful I felt and start mountain climbing the crap out of this hole. 

Simba...it is time.  I cannot let myself be the frog.

Round 2....ish

Day one...again.

Plyometrics, I hate your guts. The worst part about this is that after taking a pathetic, hectic, crazy, hot month off, I seriously feel like it's day 1 all over again. But I'll tell you something else. It felt amazing. I was in the best mood I've been in in weeks.  I was dripping sweat, chugging water...man it felt good!  I'm not sure if I should continue this blog.  All of you who read this know pretty much everything about me and my insanity by now. Should I continue? Should I keep spilling my thoughts and feelings and insecurities all over the Internet?

I feel the insecurities creeping back up inside of me. I'm not strong enough, good enough....
I don't have the will. I don't have the drive. I'm too busy.  Well, right now I'm writing a blog. Earlier I played on Pinterest for 35 minutes.  Nah...I'm not too busy, I just choose to be lazy.  Here's another thing. I do not have time to sit down and prepare a meal JUST FOR ME while still having to concentrate on feeding 4 other people.  I'm just gonna eat whatever the heck I want. Within reason of course. I'm not gonna go out and buy McDonald's and dip it in Mac n Cheese if you were wondering. No, I'm going to limit my portions, drink lots of water and every time I find my face in my fridge out of sheer boredom, I'm gonna slam the door...right on my face.  Would putting mousetraps in the chip bag be too extreme? Maybe I just won't buy them anymore....decisions, decisions.

I think more than anything I'm just going to have to suck it up and do it. I think my kids might actually thank me for it in the long run like, "Mom...remember way back when you were doing those workouts and you were actually nice to us and didn't yell all of the time?"  Maybe that's a little dramatic, but we'll see!

I am so thankful for the family and friends I have. They teach me new things everyday. It's sad that some days I have to remind myself to be grateful and to remember little moments. Today Ryan was holding Lucy and they were flying a kite together and it was just beautiful. I don't want to forget moments like those. I don't want to get so consumed with myself and looking good and always worrying about what I'm eating that I forget to stop and stare at the things that matter.  Sure, my health definitely matters, but not more than my children and my husband.  I take care of myself FOR them, but my fitness doesn't define me. THEY define me and I desperately hope that one day they WILL look back and say, "Man, my mom was amazing."

Truth be told I don't know why I just wrote all of that. Maybe it's just the most prominent thing on my mind these days, to be grateful for what you have.  A high school teacher once told me, "Don't sweat the small stuff." As in, I don't have to yell at Lucy 18 times to get her underwear on.  I don't have to yell at Kara to pick up her room or do the dishes for the 300th time...well...maybe on the 300th time because seriously, it should only take 1 or 2. I seriously just need to chill and relax and stop controlling every little thing and worrying about every OTHER little thing. It's exhausting. THAT'S what I don't have time for. I DO have time to work out. I DO have time to play with the kids. I WILL have time, someday, to sit back and relax and enjoy a sunset with out the soundtrack of screaming, fighting children.  And you know what else? Someday I'm really gonna miss this.  Love what you have, when you have it. Embrace life and life's lessons. Maybe my lesson is just to let go...life is good....life is fine.  Breathe in...breathe out...open eyes...conquer day.

This, right here, is my world and what I strive to keep for all time.

It's a pity party, and everyone's invited!

I've got to tell you all that I haven't felt very good these last few weeks.  I feel like I've totally lost my drive, my will, and dedication.  I feel terrible, I've been eating terribly and my mood hasn't been the greatest.  I've been totally unwilling to get my workout clothes on and get something done. I'd like to blame it on the heat, but I know that it's just me being lazy.  I think I've lost my accountability.  Gosh, this blog really makes me seem bi-polar. One week I'm fantastic and I feel great and I'm totally motivated, and the next time you hear from me it's totally opposite.

I've spent a lot of time the last couple of weeks wishing for things that I don't have.   I wish I had new furniture, new towels, new clothes, new dishes, etc.  I haven't been very grateful for the things I do have lately.  I feel as though I'm seriously lacking in just about every aspect of my life.  And I think more than anything, getting to write everything down and "vent" helps me with my own frustrations and insecurities. Somehow getting my problems out, whether you want to read them or not, helps me re-inspire myself.  So, as this one isn't really about my fitness or health, you can choose to keep reading, or go back to Pinterest ;) 

I have spent a good portion of my life and time comparing my life to those around me. Secretly of course. Sometimes it slips through in a comment like, "I wish my hair would look as cute as hers," or "I wish I could decorate my house like that," etc.  But most of the time I keep it to myself.  There are times when I try really hard to justify my feelings/wants without much success because I know that there are things that some people have worked very hard for. Then there are things that I feel come "easily" and "naturally" to other people. Things in which I will probably never acquire.  I have this friend. She is an AMAZING artist, an amazingly sweet, caring soul, a marathon runner AND an all around good person and friend and she says I'm inspiring?? I should be so lucky to be more like her. She has worked for everything she has. Not many people can say that. I certainly can't. She is more of an inspiration to me than I could ever hope to be for anyone else!  She has always been herself and always stuck to what she's believed in and has rocked it.  I've been trying too hard to be someone else my whole life and here I sit at age 30 just wondering what in the heck I'm really trying to accomplish.

I never finished college, I never have a clean enough house, my kids are never well-enough behaved, I'm never dressed well or done up.  I still sit and talk like an awkward teenager. I still cry over the stupidest things and I even feel self conscious having a conversation with my sister because I'm afraid I'll use the wrong grammar or spell something wrong in front of her. I never feel pretty enough and even when I do, I let dumb little comments get to me and it goes right out the window.  I'm always aware that someone may be looking at me and judging me. And as I sit here and cry to myself over all of the things that I am not, I keep telling myself (hoping it will make me feel better,) that I am human.  This is just about as sorry as I've felt for myself in a long time and I guess it's OK.

I guess it's OK because I know that tomorrow is a brand new day and even at 3 pm, there's still plenty of hours left in the day to turn my attitude around, wipe my tears and get over it.  Setbacks are setbacks and yes, they're frustrating and sometimes they feel like they really put the breaks on life. I kinda sorta hate this phrase--->Take life one day at a time. How the hell else am I supposed to take life?? Every single day happens for a reason and I can either take it or take it.  You read that right.  There's not really any other option, right?  I can handle each day as I'm going to be able to handle it and you know what?  Every terrible day I've ever had in my whole life.....I've made it through.  I'm still here.

There are really a lot of days where I get annoyed having to tell myself, "Just be grateful that..." or "I can be thankful for...." Sometimes I just don't want to hear it from myself.  Deep breath.  OK, was that enough ranting? Was there enough raving?  Do you feel sorry for me? I hope you don't because I don't deserve it.  I can change every single stupid thing I've complained about here and I know I'm just being a defeatist and being a lazy pile.  I have every opportunity to be happy and to fix the things I think are a problem.

I may not have a lot of money to go out and buy new everything, but even if I did, would I be happy? Would those materialistic things make me truly happy?  Maybe for a time, but guess what? New things get old too.  Eventually my new things will get the wear and tear of life on them and they won't be so impressive anymore.  I will tell you the things that make me truly happy (maybe I can really convince myself today too :)

#1. My husband. He's all mine and I'm all his.
#2. My naughty, stinky, screaming, crying, insane, hysterical, wild, crazy little hilarious toddler. She makes me grateful that she has such a strong personality because I know she'll do just fine in life.
#3. My beautiful, strong, up and coming independent, amazing pre-teen. Her strength and conviction and caring soul is exactly what the world needs right now.
#4. My cuddly, beautiful, loving little boy. He truly makes me feel needed.
#5. Watching these 3 crazy kids truly enjoy life, learn and grow everyday. They are healthy and happy.
#6. Music. Self explanatory
#7. My faults. No one is perfect, why should I expect to be?

There are many more, but these are really the most important.  So here I go, off to clean my messy house.  Life is not perfect, nor do I believe that it's supposed to be. A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor. I'm not a good parent because my kids are easy. I'm a good parent because I have learned how to deal with 3 VERY different, awesome personalities. I am not a good wife because I think I need to do whatever my husband wants WHEN he wants, but because I can stand up for myself, live with and love his faults and appreciate all of the hard work and dedication/devotion he shows us.

Life will go on and it's just up to me to make it the way I want it.  I realize this has been long, and a little drawn out, but I truly appreciate you reading this, sticking with me and hopefully still loving me for who I truly am.  You are all way more inspiring than I could ever be and I am grateful.

60 days is up!

OK guys. 60 days is up. Did I work out for 60 days? No. I still have two weeks worth of workouts to do! I think between the sickness, the heat, having company and other little things I went a little astray. I would rather come clean and let you all know that no, I didn't finish within the 60 days, but I sure do plan on kicking my butt and getting it done!! I was definitely thrown off course by getting sick and I feel so guilty that I didn't actually finish within the time frame. I will however, continue now that life is back to normal!

I will say however, that I did run my SECOND 5K race on Saturday and did way better than I thought I would! I ran it in 35:10 which is  about 2:30 seconds faster than my first 5K. Here's the proof (as silly as it is!! So glad thousands of people get to see this photo LOL!)

This is hilarious. I totally knew the photographer was there and I tried to smile all cute and charming and this is what I got. Maybe I should have gone for serious and determined?? Who knows, I probably would've looked like Gollum had I gone that route!  At least I was having fun! I didn't quit. I didn't stop and I finished better than I thought I would, so that right there is enough.

As far as Insanity goes. It's been a life-changing 60 days.  I have gone through such a wide array of emotions just with this one program that it's easy to look back now and say, "Ah, it wasn't a big deal." But it was. It was/is a huge deal. I finally discovered all of the amazing things my body could do with just a little pushing! I remembered how to feel. I remembered why I am important.  I found my "why."  I am not an athlete, but I am human. I feel, I love, I loathe, I self-critique, I celebrate.  I didn't quite earn the title of "Insaniac" yet, but I will.  It's taken awhile to realize that I'm OK.  My sister and I were talking a month or two ago about not getting obsessed and if it's ever going to be enough.  It's enough that I am that much closer to where I want to be. It's enough that I care. It's enough that I feel good enough to not constantly think about how my body looks.  It's so easy to over-analyze and criticize the way I look.  And then I remember, who even really cares besides me? I don't have a single soul on earth to impress.  I'm very happily married. I have 3 beautiful children.  I'm set for life!  I care about my health for my family.  I care about myself and fitness because it makes me happy and helps me relieve daily stress.  And yes, as much as I love my life, it's stressful.  So as far as two weeks worth of Max Interval/Max Cardio/Max Plyo workouts go, I'm good to go.  So as promised (and as embarrassing as this is going to be,) I have some "final" results to post! Here goes.....
I lost 5 pounds
I lost  1 1/2" off of my arms
I lost 1 1/2" off of my waist
I lost 2" off of my hips
I lost 1/2" off of my thighs
and I lost 3 1/2" off of my chest.  That's a total of 9 inches since I started Insanity. My weight has fluctuated quite a bit and I will tell you that even though the numbers don't sound that impressive, I have definitely toned up. It is evident that I build muscle super fast!  Had I finished the last two weeks, my numbers I'm SURE would be better, but these are after taking 2 weeks off.  So, here are my before and after photos. Please try not to regurgitate. And if you do, please don't tell me LOL!
Drum roll please!!!!

Before, taken approx April 25, 2012

After, taken July 9th, 2012

So there ya have it folks.  This does not mean that my journey has ended, it has just begun.  I need to maintain this outlook on life if I really want to succeed! I am happier, healthier and I know now that my body is capable of incredible things, both physically and emotionally. 

Insanity Round 2....bring it on.



Desperation and Defeat.

Well it happened. Sorry to disappoint you all but it happened. I totally lost my motivation. I have made every excuse I can think of as to why I haven't worked out since Tuesday. It's too hot, the kids are insane, I've been too busy, it gets too late, I've been too tired, my feet hurt, my knees hurt, my heart hurts....You know what? I have one excuse. I'm just plain lazy.  I let me get the best of me.  I haven't totally given up, I want you to know that.  I realize how totally uninspiring this is and how I've built up all this hype for nothing.  And do you want to know what the worst part is? I would've been done next week.  I seriously would've had 7 workouts left and then my final fit test.  Now, because I have slacked off and been such a lazy, worthless piece of garbage, I get to do 3 whole weeks over again.  And I'm willing to accept that because I know it's nobodys fault but mine.  My diet really has gone to crap, my motivation and drive has totally fizzled and I'm 100% discouraged, disenchanted and disgusted with myself. 

Poor me, poor me, poor me.  I need the drive to finish. I need to stop making excuses again. I need to close my eyes, take a break and take a good hard look at myself and what I'm feeling. What am I feeling?  I'm feeling the stress of not feeling good enough. I'm feeling the daily stress of 3 kids and a messy house. I feel like I've totally lost control over my life/house/kids.  I don't feel adequate.  I don't feel like I do a good enough job.  So I find myself asking what the point is? What is the point when my son won't let me put him down for an hour everyday? What is the point if my 2 yr old daughter will do nothing but scream the moment I need or want to do my workout? What is the point if I have to stay up until midnight or later every night just to finish it, only to be woken up an hour later?  I cannot log jump over my baby. I cannot heisman with a 2 yr old pulling on my pants. I cannot do level 2 drills with a 10 yr old yapping at me.  Obviously I get very angry when anyone attempts to talk to me, let alone walk through the room in which I am currently occupying. I turn into a vicious, horrible beast mom. I snap, I say mean things and I get super mad. So what is the point? That isn't who I want to be. I do not want to get to a point where a workout is more important then my kids or how I treat my kids and husband.  Ok, are you ready to hear my try and convince myself why it matters and convince myself that there really IS a point?

Lets see.

#1. I don't ever want to hate the way I look/feel again. I don't want to always have it in the back of my mind that people judge me by the way I look. I don't want to feel like the ugly duckling in the room anymore.

#2. I don't want to die young of a disease I could've prevented simply by taking care of myself.

#3. I want my kids to be happy and healthy and to NEVER have to feel how I have felt most of my life about my body. It's unhealthy not only for the mind, but for the soul. I want/need them to always feel comfortable in their own skin.

#4.  I want to look the best I can look for my husband. I know that he would never/never has been/never will be embarrassed of me, but why risk it?  I secretly like thinking that people think he has a hot wife (Tmi? too bad.)

#5.  Theres really only so much stress I can handle and if it takes working out and sweating like a disgusting pig and spitting and swearing and cursing the universe to get it out, then so be it.  I'd rather take my stress out on the universe then my family. They deserve SO much better than my bad temper.

#6.  I so desperately need to say that I finally finished something positive in my life. It may not be a big flippin' deal to anyone else, but it is to me and I will finish. 

#7.  No more fat jokes.

#8.  NOT SHOPPING IN THE WOMENS SECTION AT AGE 30!!!!!!!

#9. Ripping my pants while attempting to show off my muscles rather than ripping my pants sitting down because I'm too fat.

#10. Finally saying that I earned it.

Ok, are you convinced yet? I think I am.  I cannot let myself fail totally again. I've tripped and stumbled. That's all this is.  If any of you are looking for an inspirational movie, watch "Run, Fatboy, Run." with Simon Pegg, Thandie Newton and Hank Azaria.  I absolutely adore that movie.  I need to be like Dennis and keep going. I need to WORK for what I want. I need to prove myself to ME.  I need to prove it to the naysayers and show them that I am more than just talk.  I may not have dropped a ton of weight or flattened my tummy, but the cliche' is true. It took longer than 2 months to put it on, it's gonna take longer than 2 months to work it off.  I have lost a few inches and dropped a few pounds and I definitely look better, so that should be motivation enough to just keep going. Suck it up or shut up, right? Yep. So here I go. I'm gonna suck it up, move past this crap and finish what I started.  Then I'm going to eat a cheeseburger.

On that note, here is something hilarious that happened to me the other night. I went out with some friends to sing Karaoke and we started talking about Insanity and how toned my muscles are getting, especially my legs. So as I'm attempting to pull my capri pant leg up, it totally rips and hilarity ensues. I will forever remember the night that I hulked out to a point that I ripped my pant leg...want proof? Lucky I have friends who take awesome pictures;) Enjoy...just don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Lists

Honestly, I don't even know why I'm sitting here right now. I'm exhausted. It's 12:33 am, I've just finished Core Cardio and Balance, calmed down a hysterical toddler and finally taken a shower.  So really, I should be in bed dreaming peacefully of the zombie apocalypse. That seems to be the only thing I can dream about these days. Not in a good way. Maybe I'm too paranoid and anxious in my every day life and that's how it's manifesting? I don't know. ANYWAY MOVING ON.

Over the last week it has come to my attention that I have absolutely no will power.  And that I lose motivation really fast.  I'm actually pretty suprised with myself that it's taken this long to tank.  Fear not, friends. I'm still chugging along with my Insanity, but school ending, being sick, Fathers Day, etc has really thrown me off my game!  I missed 4 workouts. Not just any workouts. MAX workouts. Ugh.  So not only am I trying to jump back in and stay motivated and keep on truckin, I have to do it doing the hardest workouts in the program.  The thing is is that they're really not that hard. I can do most of the moves, but as I think I mentioned in a previous post, that 1/2 hr mark hits and I'm exhausted and dripping sweat and I look at the timer on the screen and it says I have 25-30 minutes left. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Ok...just keep going."  I believe I've said this phrase a lot (plus or minus a few swear words) in the last couple of weeks.  I think it was last Friday and I was doing Max Interval Circut and I swear I sobbed the last 10 minutes of the exercise. Sobbed.  I was so tired. My muscles were so fatigued.  It was late at night. It all came together and I lost it.  I cried during my pushups, I cried doing plank work, I sobbed through the last stretches. I was a HOT MESS.  I cried for a good 5 minutes afterwards too.  I know that a lot of it is because I was so tired, but exercise is a great stress reliever. By the time I was done crying, I realized how much better I felt and how letting go and just crying and working and sweating and swearing totally relieved my stress. For that day:)


Anyway, as I have done these last couple of workouts, trying desperately to catch up and get back into it, I've realized that I actually missed it. I, me, myself...missed working out.  Um, where's Liz and what have I done with her? I have transformed my former, lazy, self-loathing self into a more efficient, hard working, self-loving powerhouse.  Giggity.  So, to get myself back into it FULL SWING, I have compiled a few little lists/rules to print out and follow everyday. They are as follows:

Foods Banned From my House:

Spicy Buffalo Wing flavored pretzel bits from Snyders of Hanover--->death of me
Mac n Cheese--->Disclaimer: I cannot be blamed for eating a bite of the kids'
Fun sized ANYTHING-->Hersheys...you complete me
Soda--->death trap in a can..yet so...so delicious.

Good Motivators

Your happiness does not come from a number on a scale (still working on this one)

Don't complain about all of your clothes being too big...at least they're not all too small!!

As long as you keep pushing play and pushing through, you've succeeded

People love you for you, not your body. And if they do love you for your body, they don't really love you. (Fickle friends love fickle things)

Food is awesome, but don't let it become your master.

Friends, if I can do this, so can you. Find something you love and do it!  Change your world, change yourself if you aren't happy. I did, and I did it in a way that I never thought would appeal to me.  More importantly, love yourself.  Life happens. Live your life! Earn your life! Enjoy your life! 

12 workouts left. Bring it.

First Max workout week.

OK, So, this week has been super hard for me and I'm sorry that I haven't done a blog sooner than this one! Kara got out of school this week and our schedule is totally screwed up now.  Actually, let me just really start by saying that;

DISCLAIMER:  I am super sick with an upper respiratory infection. I cannot breathe, speak or sleep comfortably therefor I missed Saturdays workout and I might miss today's. :( Having said that, I want you to know that this is the longest I've gone without exercise in 6 weeks! It's killing me! Its making me feel guilty and useless and I really DO need that release to feel energized and better about everything.

OK, so going back to the work outs that I've been doing.  These max workouts that I've been doing are not necessarily harder than all of the previous ones, it's that they're so much longer.  With the previous ones, 35-40 minutes and you're done and exhausted.  With these ones its more like, "Wait...I STILL have 30 minutes to go!?" That's when you really need to start digging deeper (as Shaun T likes to say.)  You really have to start pushing yourself and I have felt more than once this week that I've only been giving it 50% because of blah blah blah....you know what? I've been giving it MY 100%.  I've pushed play everyday. I've finished these super long, exhausting workouts and you know what else? I'm sore. My ribs and stomach are sore.  Because it's working.  The weight I think at this point is maintaining and my fat is being turned into muscle. My inches are kinda staying the same, but I can tell that they are leaner and way more defined.  My stomach is starting to form. My legs are very lean and muscular, my arms are bangin' (you like that?)  I've got a serious gun show over here.

I think the part that is the hardest for me at this point is still getting over my self-doubt.  I still see a heavy girl in the mirror some days. I still get super self conscious wearing certain things. I still feel like I'm not good enough some days.  There are some days I seriously think that people are looking at me like I'm trying too hard to fit in.  We are our own worst critics.  There are days that I really want to just give up....today is one of them.  I feel like this infection has really put a halt on my motivation and drive.  What if I can never get back into it because I'm taking time off. (I guess instead of time, I should say 2 workouts.)  I don't want to miss anymore workouts but I physically cannot do them. As soon as I start breathing harder, I start coughing like crazy and it really does hurt:(

This sounds so negative.  Sorry!  I guess maybe I just feel like if I don't stay consistent with my workouts, then I'm cheating.  Which is dumb I guess because if I cannot do the workouts, I can't cheat...maybe that didn't come out right?  OK, so enough with the negativity. I'm going to tell you all what I did this week that was a big step for me!

I hiked the M.  All the way.  For the first time in 10 years.  Is anyone impressed? Buhler?  For those of you who don't know what the "M" is, it's a huge cement "M" on the side of Mount Sentinel. For example.....

There it is...Right up there on the mountain...Pretty place I live, eh?  Anyway, the "M" hike is 3/4 mile long, but steep. It consists of 11 switchbacks and you gain 620 feet in elevation!  The view is awesome from the top...for example:

Now this isn't a view of the whole city, but you get the picture (nice pun, huh?)  This has been a big goal for me since starting out on my health kick.  I did it. Kara and I made it to the M! It would've been a bit easier if Kara hadn't whined the whole way up about her legs, lungs, sweat, etc...

She has quite the flare for dramatics....I can't imagine where she gets it;)

Here's an awesome self portrait of me laying on the M.

My view from the top!

So there ya have it folks. That's whats up with me.  PS, I'd love to have more comments/feedback about this whole thing if you're interested!  Let me hear you!  And one more picture that I think is a great reminder for all of us having self doubts and worries......

It doesn't matter what you look like, you're you and you are beautiful!