Hey friends, it's been awhile.
Almost 5 months. Am I thinner? Nah. I'm I happier, meh, not any more or less than I was before. Life has gone on. Life has changed, and it has not all at once. Am I depressed? Ah, maybe some days.
I think that I've been so wrapped up in trying to find a quiet calm for myself that in turn, I've created more chaos. I've been so occupied in finding my "place" that I've scattered myself again. After a brief moment of clarity and inspiration, I decided that my life's work lay in music. Well, I'm not really cut out to be a rock star, but I could teach. Yeah...I could teach! So, I dug in and got myself all registered for college life...at almost age 32. So after a few months of letting this adventure sink it I'm suddenly realizing...can I really do this? Well lets see. This definitely isn't the most difficult thing I've ever had to face in life. This is something that ultimately leads me to a higher goal and gives me an opportunity to hone my talents and share them with the world. So the answer starts to become very clear. It's not that I cannot do this, I'm just scared. I'm scared of how I can handle being back in school with "peers" 10, maybe even 14 years younger than myself. I'm scared of how my daily absence will affect my kids. I'm scared that it'll all become too much and I'll start to waiver when I realize that among all of my "peers" I am seriously lacking in skill and knowledge. Feeling these insecurities are like kryptonite. They've made me who I am, yet continue to cripple me at first glance. I don't doubt for a moment that I can sing. I do however doubt my abilities in being able to concentrate and focus on the skills I need to learn to become a music teacher.
I know once I get into the swing of things again that it will all come back to me. I know that I'm smart enough and confident enough in the fact that I at LEAST can sing that everything will start to work itself out. I know that without fear, no one could truly taste the sweetness of success. I read a great quote the other day that was posted on Chalene Johnson's page that said:
"Often we think, 'I'll do it when I'm not so afraid.' But in reality it works the other way around. The 'doing it' comes before the fear goes away. The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it."
That makes a lot of sense. Like, "Lightening just struck me!" type of sense. Then it all comes down to will. Good old self will. Can you do it? Well it depends. Are you trying to look like a Victoria Secret supermodel or are you trying to be the best YOU you can be? Because one of these two things is impossible. The answer is no...you will never look like that V.S. supermodel because she is not you and you are not her. She hasn't experienced your life, your kids, your heartbreaks, your ups your downs and nor you hers. I'm going to give you all a little list of the Do's, Don'ts, Can's and Cannots in life and hopefully one can use these as a stepping stone, mantra, tool, WHATEVER. Just read and ponder.
Do's:
Please, DO give yourself a break.
Do know that there are tons of tools whether online, through friends, family to help you in your goals
Do know that you are beautiful and whether or not you feel it right now, SOMEONE knows you are.
Do look for ways to bring yourself peace. Find ONE thing you love to do. Hiking, reading, drawing, singing, cooking, crafting...ANYTHING and give yourself that time to enjoy it, even if it's just once or twice a week.
Don'ts:
Don't compare yourself to the women and girls you see in the media. The words "false idols" comes to mind. 99% of everything to see and hear about these women is edited, photo shopped and airbrushed. VS models aren't really that perfect. Britney Spears doesn't really sound like that. Concentrate on being yourself and if you think you need improving in an area, whatever it may be, do it till you love that aspect of yourself.
Don't give in. Don't accept the pressures of the outside world to be someone or something that you're not. You'll only fail and then be down on yourself for not living up to other peoples' unrealistic expectations of how THEY want YOU to be.
Don't NOT give in. Sometimes it's OK to splurge. It's OK to have cake. It's OK to sleep in. It's OK eat popcorn and watch movies. If you limit things from your life and tell yourself that you can NEVER enjoy certain things, especially things that make you happy, where's the fun in that?
Don't tell yourself you're a failure because things didn't go as planned one day or if you've just had a bad week. See #1 in the "Do's" section.
Can's:
You CAN change your body, if you so wish. It takes time, sometimes a LOT of time. And effort, sometimes a LOT of effort, but it is 100% doable.
You CAN be happy. Sometimes it's not a choice. Depression is a serious illness that affects millions of people, but it's not the end of the road, no matter how it feels right now. I know because I've been there, done that and sometimes still do.
You CAN make a difference in the world. Remember that old saying, "You may feel like you're just someone in the world, but to someone else, you may BE the world?" I find myself thinking that sometimes when I just feel like I'm the worst parent in the world that that I really have nothing good to offer. It's a gentle reminder that you're better than you think you are.
You CAN do (almost) anything if you just set your mind to it. Of course there are times where physical limitations keep one from doing something one might desire most in this world. But if you tweak your goals to fit better into your life, nothing is impossible.
Cannot's:
You cannot be or look like anyone else in this world but yourself. I will never look like anyone other than plain old Liz Dutton. And why would I want to? I want to look like the BEST Liz Dutton.
You cannot change the past, but you can control what's happening RIGHT NOW in your life.
You cannot forget that you are important. Period.
You cannot change another person to fit into your own ideals. Been there, done that too and it's exhausting and as bad as there are some things you'd like to change, let it go.
So....Will you or won't you?
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
I've got 6 weeks....
6 weeks to make a change within myself.
6 weeks to make a change to my outer self.
6 weeks to feeling more confident.
6 weeks to make myself believe that I really DO matter.
6 weeks to remember where my priorities lie.
6 weeks to show my family that I'm not a quitter.
6 weeks to feel great in a dress.
That's all it takes. A month and a half. I realize this blog is very....bi-polar. I tend to have very high ups and very low-downs. Right now I'm a little bit in the middle. Yesterday I felt like an incredible loser, and I got angry. No one asked me WHY I was angry and spiteful and honestly, I probably couldn't have given them a straight, truthful answer. The only truth I know is that we ALL feel like that some days. We ALL feel inadequate at times and we have the audacity to tell ourselves that we are not good enough. We tell ourselves that we are not good enough. In fact, there was an instance last week when I felt completely, 100% rejected by another and I actually wondered if it was because I was just too fat. I wondered if I had faced this rejection based solely on my outer appearance. NOW I know that wasn't the case, but how messed up is it that that's the first place my mind went? We as women face difficult and sometimes not easy to pin-point rejection. We face rejection when we see size 0 mannequins at the mall, we face rejection when we see a "Dove" commercial showing "real-sized" women who STILL look nothing like us. We face rejection when we don't feel like we're keeping up with the fitness experts in workout videos. We feel it when we compare ourselves to others for the things they may have that we do not. It's a vicious, vicious cycle that realistically, we will never be able to overcome completely. I have done and still do every single one of these things. It has been pounded into my brain so repeatedly that I need to look a certain way, act a certain way, be a certain person that it's dang near impossible to figure out, even at age 31, who I am and who I really want to be...and being ok with it.
You can say what you want, but no matter how badly I want my body took look a certain way, the fact of the matter is that I've had 3 children. I have grown older. My stretch marks may fade with time, but they will never disappear. The scarring is there to remind me of a greater physical transformation that my body has been able to journey through...3 times. The point is, I'm not going to look like Heidi Klum. Or Jennifer Aniston. Or Megan Fox. Or...who cares!? The only person I'm ever going to look like is MY BEST SELF. So I've got some pounds to lose and habits to change...that's really not up to anyone but me. I make the decision. I make the food. I do the exercise. I get the rewards. I don't remember if I said anything about the little red hen story in a previous blog, but that's kind of what it's like. I don't better myself and do all of the hard work so someone ELSE can feel great in a dress or a swimming suit. It's that simple....really.
Stop comparing yourself to others. Be the best YOU and for the LOVE OF IT.........Just start being NICE to yourself!
On to day 3 of Slim in 6!
6 weeks to make a change to my outer self.
6 weeks to feeling more confident.
6 weeks to make myself believe that I really DO matter.
6 weeks to remember where my priorities lie.
6 weeks to show my family that I'm not a quitter.
6 weeks to feel great in a dress.
That's all it takes. A month and a half. I realize this blog is very....bi-polar. I tend to have very high ups and very low-downs. Right now I'm a little bit in the middle. Yesterday I felt like an incredible loser, and I got angry. No one asked me WHY I was angry and spiteful and honestly, I probably couldn't have given them a straight, truthful answer. The only truth I know is that we ALL feel like that some days. We ALL feel inadequate at times and we have the audacity to tell ourselves that we are not good enough. We tell ourselves that we are not good enough. In fact, there was an instance last week when I felt completely, 100% rejected by another and I actually wondered if it was because I was just too fat. I wondered if I had faced this rejection based solely on my outer appearance. NOW I know that wasn't the case, but how messed up is it that that's the first place my mind went? We as women face difficult and sometimes not easy to pin-point rejection. We face rejection when we see size 0 mannequins at the mall, we face rejection when we see a "Dove" commercial showing "real-sized" women who STILL look nothing like us. We face rejection when we don't feel like we're keeping up with the fitness experts in workout videos. We feel it when we compare ourselves to others for the things they may have that we do not. It's a vicious, vicious cycle that realistically, we will never be able to overcome completely. I have done and still do every single one of these things. It has been pounded into my brain so repeatedly that I need to look a certain way, act a certain way, be a certain person that it's dang near impossible to figure out, even at age 31, who I am and who I really want to be...and being ok with it.
You can say what you want, but no matter how badly I want my body took look a certain way, the fact of the matter is that I've had 3 children. I have grown older. My stretch marks may fade with time, but they will never disappear. The scarring is there to remind me of a greater physical transformation that my body has been able to journey through...3 times. The point is, I'm not going to look like Heidi Klum. Or Jennifer Aniston. Or Megan Fox. Or...who cares!? The only person I'm ever going to look like is MY BEST SELF. So I've got some pounds to lose and habits to change...that's really not up to anyone but me. I make the decision. I make the food. I do the exercise. I get the rewards. I don't remember if I said anything about the little red hen story in a previous blog, but that's kind of what it's like. I don't better myself and do all of the hard work so someone ELSE can feel great in a dress or a swimming suit. It's that simple....really.
Stop comparing yourself to others. Be the best YOU and for the LOVE OF IT.........Just start being NICE to yourself!
On to day 3 of Slim in 6!
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Can I really do this again?
I almost didn't write this new blog post because it's hard to see through the tears and fight through the immense amount of frustrations I'm feeling. I just sent in my latest measurements to my Beachbody coach and I can't believe I let myself get so out of hand again. After all of the fighting and pushing and crying and sweating and hard work... After all of the good feelings and proud moments and accomplished goals here I sit at square one. I'm either the stupidest or laziest person on the planet. Oops, I gained 5 pounds, gotta keep it in check. Oops, I gained another 5 dang it, gotta get back on track. OOPS I've gained 25 pounds...wth is wrong with me? So here I sit, mad and embarrassed with myself. Mad because I haven't really committed to doing a single thing to help myself. Mad because I can never find a moment ALONE to do anything. I'll let you in on a little secret....I have to be alone when I work out. I get so distracted by what someone else might be doing/thinking/saying/looking at that I get ticked off and stop. It's a stupid excuse but I feel so insecure with someone else even in the same house. I guess I like to pretend on some plane of existence that I'm still getting into good shape and eating healthy and having a wonderful attitude. I like to pretend that its really last May and I looked better than I've looked in 10+ years.
So now I really have to "dig deep" and ask myself if THIS time I'm ready. If THIS time it's gonna stick. If THIS time....dammit if not now, when? When my kids are all grown up and out of the house and I'm just too bored to do anything else? When I'm older and slower and perhaps more unable to do what I know I can do now? Remember that little white dress from the previous posts? Doesn't fit. Remember that Insanity T shirt I rocked last July? Embarrassed to wear it.
Honestly, this has to stop and it has to stop right. frickin. now. If you asked me, I could give you a list 100 items long full of "if-only's." If only the kids would sleep. If only they would play alone and let me workout. If only I hadn't eaten that heavy breakfast. If only I felt good....blah blah blah.
This post is not supposed to be one big pity party for myself. It's a wake up call.
WAKE UP! Remember how unhappy you were with yourself at 220?? Remember how terrible you felt shopping and leaving in TEARS because nothing fit? Remember how insecure you felt in a room full of strangers and even your friends?
Now remember this at this moment....
You will never brush your teeth in the dark again to avoid looking at yourself.
You will never hold your head down in the grocery store when you see people you know.
You will never wear a sweatshirt around and shrink away from your husband because you are embarrassed to be touched.
You will not project your negative self image on your young, impressionable kids.
You will not see yourself as worthless, useless, powerless and hopeless again.
Enough is enough. Gotta stop quitting....right?
So now I really have to "dig deep" and ask myself if THIS time I'm ready. If THIS time it's gonna stick. If THIS time....dammit if not now, when? When my kids are all grown up and out of the house and I'm just too bored to do anything else? When I'm older and slower and perhaps more unable to do what I know I can do now? Remember that little white dress from the previous posts? Doesn't fit. Remember that Insanity T shirt I rocked last July? Embarrassed to wear it.
Honestly, this has to stop and it has to stop right. frickin. now. If you asked me, I could give you a list 100 items long full of "if-only's." If only the kids would sleep. If only they would play alone and let me workout. If only I hadn't eaten that heavy breakfast. If only I felt good....blah blah blah.
This post is not supposed to be one big pity party for myself. It's a wake up call.
WAKE UP! Remember how unhappy you were with yourself at 220?? Remember how terrible you felt shopping and leaving in TEARS because nothing fit? Remember how insecure you felt in a room full of strangers and even your friends?
Now remember this at this moment....
You will never brush your teeth in the dark again to avoid looking at yourself.
You will never hold your head down in the grocery store when you see people you know.
You will never wear a sweatshirt around and shrink away from your husband because you are embarrassed to be touched.
You will not project your negative self image on your young, impressionable kids.
You will not see yourself as worthless, useless, powerless and hopeless again.
Enough is enough. Gotta stop quitting....right?
Friday, November 16, 2012
I'm so uncoordinated....
So I'm on day 4 of Turbofire and I have to say that I'm not sure if I'm in love with it yet. I don't know it's because I'm self conscious of myself trying to do all of these choreographed moves, or because I'm still a little stuck in my rut. I guess I can say that really it just matters that I'm trying to eat a healthy diet and that I'm definitely trying to at least get THROUGH the workouts. I know that I feel better after I'm done, I just worry that I haven't done enough work. I think with INSANITY I knew how much work I'd put in by the shear sweat pouring from my body and honestly wanting to die afterwards. The only way I can describe Chalene Johnson in Turbofire is with a clip...here it is...
I crack up everytime I see this but thats just how she is! She's this awesome little nymph jumping around my screen doing backflips on my roundhouse kicks and uppercuts. Holy cow.
Anyway, I know that it's going to take time and HARD WORK to get the moves down and really feel like I'm giving my all. Last night Ryan (my husband) walked into the room as I was doing jabs and I yelled, "Go AWAY!" because a was embarrassed for him to see me sucking so bad at what I was trying to do. Kickboxing is effing hard. SMILING while kickboxing is even harder, so I honestly think that those girls in the video are on some sort of drug. I'm hoping to get myself a heart rate moniter or something to that effect so I can at least track how my calories are being burned so I know if I'm working hard enough. Its going to just be a work in progress until I find what makes me feel good and until I get to that point where I KNOW I'm giving it my all. If you were to ask me which program I like better, which one is harder, etc I would answer this way. Turbofire so far is alright, but at least with INSANITY I knew that I was doing my best and working my hardest. INSANITY definitely is a harder workout WORK wise, but Turbofire is harder for me because I'm not that quick or coordinated. Hope that made sense.
With that said, wish me luck because today is a 55 minute class and I might just throw up. Have a great day!
I crack up everytime I see this but thats just how she is! She's this awesome little nymph jumping around my screen doing backflips on my roundhouse kicks and uppercuts. Holy cow.
Anyway, I know that it's going to take time and HARD WORK to get the moves down and really feel like I'm giving my all. Last night Ryan (my husband) walked into the room as I was doing jabs and I yelled, "Go AWAY!" because a was embarrassed for him to see me sucking so bad at what I was trying to do. Kickboxing is effing hard. SMILING while kickboxing is even harder, so I honestly think that those girls in the video are on some sort of drug. I'm hoping to get myself a heart rate moniter or something to that effect so I can at least track how my calories are being burned so I know if I'm working hard enough. Its going to just be a work in progress until I find what makes me feel good and until I get to that point where I KNOW I'm giving it my all. If you were to ask me which program I like better, which one is harder, etc I would answer this way. Turbofire so far is alright, but at least with INSANITY I knew that I was doing my best and working my hardest. INSANITY definitely is a harder workout WORK wise, but Turbofire is harder for me because I'm not that quick or coordinated. Hope that made sense.
With that said, wish me luck because today is a 55 minute class and I might just throw up. Have a great day!
Sunday, November 11, 2012
It's crackling.....
Hey there...remember me? Yeah....sorry about that. It's been awhile. I don't know what happened or why I couldn't use this blog to get out all of the frustrations I've been having. Yeah, the depression is still there a bit...barely under the surface. I've been trying to find ways to push it away and relieve some of the stress. I've been trying to do Yoga and breathing exercises, writing stuff down, the usual quick fixes. I've finally just succombed to the fact that I'm gonna have to start exercising again if I want to kick it in the butt!
Tomorrow I am starting a NEW program called TurboFire! Its a high intensity cardio/dance/sweat-dripping-from-awkward-places type of program! I'll be honestly, the only reason I got it was because it was 50% off at www.teambeachbody.com. Otherwise, nuh uh...wouldn't have happened. Really this is bs. I never should have stopped exercising in the first place. I let all of my bs excuses get in my head and in my way and you want to know what I have to show for it? An extra 25 pounds and all of that blood, sweat and tears hard work down the drain. Its time to start kicking butt again.
Wait a minute...did you think you were going to read through this latest blog post and escape the cheese factor? Think again friends....how silly and naive of you all;) My daughter Lucy is a pill. One screaming, fighting, nail spitting, rough and tumble, know it all, back talking pill. Her three favorite songs on this planet are:
Turn Me On-Nicki Minaj (great parenting there, huh?)
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds- The Beatles (there's a little redemption for you, but still egotistical on her part, stinker.) And,
Firework- Katy Perry
So remember a few month ago when I talked about music and the power and influence it can have over you?? A few weeks ago I was doing "Just Dance 2" with Lucy and we were dancing to that song and I was reading the lyrics that are on the bottom of the screen (as if dancing in a some-what coordinated pattern isn't hard enough for me.) Then I turned the music video on for her on YouTube and really listened to the lyrics....and I started to sob. It hit REALLY close to home and honestly, it REALLY gave me that positive boost that I've desperately been searching for. Yeah, really. Here they are:
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards,
One blow from caving in?
Do you ever feel already buried deep?
6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you
You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July
'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe"
You don't have to feel like a wasted space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time, you'll know
You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July
'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe"
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through-ough-ough
'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe"
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Sorry, I realize that was REALLY long, but I didn't really want to cut any of it out. What awesome lyrics! That song is right...it really has been inside of me this whole time. I've spent my whole life holding MYSELF back from the things I've always really wanted for total fear of failure. I never did anything with my singing voice and now I feel as if it's too late. I never graduated college and now I will have to wait to go back. I never traveled like I wanted to. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade my life for the world, but yes...there is a little regret in there. I did what I had to do and put myself aside because I became something bigger and more important than myself. A mother.
I'm sure that I will have many more regrets in this life and I will probably still be worrying about little things that maybe I should've done differently in life when I'm 97 3/4 years old. However, there is one regret that I vow never to have. I will not look back on my life and yearn over the years that I could've been better to my body and to myself. I will NOT look back and regret that I never worked out and that I was too lazy to fix the one thing I had total power over. Seriously, my kids will grow into the people they will ultimately be, with a little molding here and there, but I don't have control over that, just gentle guidance. I cannot control how my life will go or where we will end up in life.
I CAN control myself though. I CAN control my weight. I CAN control what goes into my body. I control me...no one else.
So, having said all of that...here is my new theme song. Enjoy!
Tomorrow I am starting a NEW program called TurboFire! Its a high intensity cardio/dance/sweat-dripping-from-awkward-places type of program! I'll be honestly, the only reason I got it was because it was 50% off at www.teambeachbody.com. Otherwise, nuh uh...wouldn't have happened. Really this is bs. I never should have stopped exercising in the first place. I let all of my bs excuses get in my head and in my way and you want to know what I have to show for it? An extra 25 pounds and all of that blood, sweat and tears hard work down the drain. Its time to start kicking butt again.
Wait a minute...did you think you were going to read through this latest blog post and escape the cheese factor? Think again friends....how silly and naive of you all;) My daughter Lucy is a pill. One screaming, fighting, nail spitting, rough and tumble, know it all, back talking pill. Her three favorite songs on this planet are:
Turn Me On-Nicki Minaj (great parenting there, huh?)
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds- The Beatles (there's a little redemption for you, but still egotistical on her part, stinker.) And,
Firework- Katy Perry
So remember a few month ago when I talked about music and the power and influence it can have over you?? A few weeks ago I was doing "Just Dance 2" with Lucy and we were dancing to that song and I was reading the lyrics that are on the bottom of the screen (as if dancing in a some-what coordinated pattern isn't hard enough for me.) Then I turned the music video on for her on YouTube and really listened to the lyrics....and I started to sob. It hit REALLY close to home and honestly, it REALLY gave me that positive boost that I've desperately been searching for. Yeah, really. Here they are:
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards,
One blow from caving in?
Do you ever feel already buried deep?
6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you
You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July
'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe"
You don't have to feel like a wasted space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time, you'll know
You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July
'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe"
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through-ough-ough
'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe"
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Sorry, I realize that was REALLY long, but I didn't really want to cut any of it out. What awesome lyrics! That song is right...it really has been inside of me this whole time. I've spent my whole life holding MYSELF back from the things I've always really wanted for total fear of failure. I never did anything with my singing voice and now I feel as if it's too late. I never graduated college and now I will have to wait to go back. I never traveled like I wanted to. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade my life for the world, but yes...there is a little regret in there. I did what I had to do and put myself aside because I became something bigger and more important than myself. A mother.
I'm sure that I will have many more regrets in this life and I will probably still be worrying about little things that maybe I should've done differently in life when I'm 97 3/4 years old. However, there is one regret that I vow never to have. I will not look back on my life and yearn over the years that I could've been better to my body and to myself. I will NOT look back and regret that I never worked out and that I was too lazy to fix the one thing I had total power over. Seriously, my kids will grow into the people they will ultimately be, with a little molding here and there, but I don't have control over that, just gentle guidance. I cannot control how my life will go or where we will end up in life.
I CAN control myself though. I CAN control my weight. I CAN control what goes into my body. I control me...no one else.
So, having said all of that...here is my new theme song. Enjoy!
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
I can't believe I'm writing this......
What do I really have to say for myself? What can I say that doesn't sound like a pathetic, washed up, ridiculous excuse? I feel as though this has been kind of a bare all, no holds barred blog before so why should that change now? I guess by posting this I can finally shed some of this old, dead skin and start anew. So here it goes.
I feel like crap. And not in the, "Ugh, I'm sick and need to lay in bed" type of crap. Crap as in I have felt nothing but worthless, lazy, downtrodden and contentious for months now. This is not a new problem for me. I have definitely battled depression many times, for many years. I know some of you may scoff at the idea of depression as "Oh, they just don't want to be happy," or "Why do they think they have anything to complain about?" Let me tell you a little secret. It has absolutely nothing to do with any of that. Here is a direct quote, from me, as posted on Facebook yesterday:
"I have, without a doubt, the most wonderful life I could ask for. I am so thankful for the way life has turned out for me and for all of those unanswered prayers. I think if my life were absolutely perfect in every way, every day, that I could no longer grow, learn and adjust and that to me is a far worse fate than not having a lot of money in the bank or not having a fancy car, our own home or a perfect body. My life is perfect because it is not."
So don't think for a second that this comes from me not thinking I have a great life, because obviously I do. I have battled this thing, on and off, for about 15 years. I have taken pill after pill after pill without much progress. It definitely seems to come in 2-3 year waves. 3-4 years ago I was just about as deep into it as I've been and I came out on top. I haven't taken any kind of pill for 3 years now and I have actually felt like I could finally be done with this monster. Well...here I am. I can feel it creeping back in. It's starting to consume little aspects of me life. Little things....isn't that how things happen? It's like that metaphor with the frog and the boiling water. If you a frog into boiling water, it's going to jump right out, but if you put the frog into cold water and then turn on the heat, it's not going to know whats happening until its too late and it's literally and metaphorically in hot water and boiling to death.
I can say however that I am grateful for having prior experience with all of this. I now know the warning signs. I know that what I'm feeling isn't right and isn't healthy. And I know that if I don't put a damper on this particular flame that it's going to erupt into pure wildfire.
I want to clarify that I am in no sense a danger to myself or to my family. And honestly, I cannot believe that I am actually writing all of this down for the world to see. I am hoping, almost against hope, that this will help me climb from the black, sticky pit and get on with my wonderful life. That sounded super sarcastic, but it was not meant to. I hate feeling like this pit inside is keeping me from the most wonderful thing I have ever been given....my life. I am missing out on the most wonderful, beautiful thing I will ever have. My children will suffer. My marriage will suffer.
As I was "researching" depression online and how to combat it naturally I was hit with an army of bad advice, ridiculous advice and some not-so-ridiculous advice. Going with the lesser of evils, I decided to look into some of the no-so-ridiculous advice and I was kinda/sorta/not really surprised at the number one answer on each list I found. Are you ready? Drum roll please...........
EXERCISE!!! Cue the confetti and balloons! Cue the music! Cue the tears!
OK not really....but really! DUH!!!!!!!!!
It was as if the multiple epiphanies all hit me at one and I may have actually seen God at one point. (Was that a little blasphemous?) I thought back to just when I started feeling these things....not one, but just over 2 months ago. Hmmmm...Sounds just about the time that I stopped exercising almost everyday. So, you're telling me that the reason I've felt so wonderful the whole last YEAR is because I was exercising? Sounds like I already have my answer. Honestly, I have never felt better than I have in this last year. I lost all of that weight, I had a new son, I was so healthy and I cared about my health. I still do....but proof is in the pudding right? Literally in the pudding in this case. In the last 2 1/2 months, I have gained 15 pounds back, stopped eating healthy (for the most part), and stopped exercising. No WONDER I feel like crap! I don't care who you are, when your "skinny" clothes that you were so excited to buy don't fit right anymore, it freaking sucks.
So, one day at a time here. Yesterday I had a wonderful, hilarious, OULA inspired dance party with my kids and today I'm sore. Maybe, if it's not disgustingly smokey (as it has been for over a month now here) I will go running tonight. Maybe, just maybe I can remember how wonderful I felt and start mountain climbing the crap out of this hole.
Simba...it is time. I cannot let myself be the frog.
I feel like crap. And not in the, "Ugh, I'm sick and need to lay in bed" type of crap. Crap as in I have felt nothing but worthless, lazy, downtrodden and contentious for months now. This is not a new problem for me. I have definitely battled depression many times, for many years. I know some of you may scoff at the idea of depression as "Oh, they just don't want to be happy," or "Why do they think they have anything to complain about?" Let me tell you a little secret. It has absolutely nothing to do with any of that. Here is a direct quote, from me, as posted on Facebook yesterday:
"I have, without a doubt, the most wonderful life I could ask for. I am so thankful for the way life has turned out for me and for all of those unanswered prayers. I think if my life were absolutely perfect in every way, every day, that I could no longer grow, learn and adjust and that to me is a far worse fate than not having a lot of money in the bank or not having a fancy car, our own home or a perfect body. My life is perfect because it is not."
So don't think for a second that this comes from me not thinking I have a great life, because obviously I do. I have battled this thing, on and off, for about 15 years. I have taken pill after pill after pill without much progress. It definitely seems to come in 2-3 year waves. 3-4 years ago I was just about as deep into it as I've been and I came out on top. I haven't taken any kind of pill for 3 years now and I have actually felt like I could finally be done with this monster. Well...here I am. I can feel it creeping back in. It's starting to consume little aspects of me life. Little things....isn't that how things happen? It's like that metaphor with the frog and the boiling water. If you a frog into boiling water, it's going to jump right out, but if you put the frog into cold water and then turn on the heat, it's not going to know whats happening until its too late and it's literally and metaphorically in hot water and boiling to death.
I can say however that I am grateful for having prior experience with all of this. I now know the warning signs. I know that what I'm feeling isn't right and isn't healthy. And I know that if I don't put a damper on this particular flame that it's going to erupt into pure wildfire.
I want to clarify that I am in no sense a danger to myself or to my family. And honestly, I cannot believe that I am actually writing all of this down for the world to see. I am hoping, almost against hope, that this will help me climb from the black, sticky pit and get on with my wonderful life. That sounded super sarcastic, but it was not meant to. I hate feeling like this pit inside is keeping me from the most wonderful thing I have ever been given....my life. I am missing out on the most wonderful, beautiful thing I will ever have. My children will suffer. My marriage will suffer.
As I was "researching" depression online and how to combat it naturally I was hit with an army of bad advice, ridiculous advice and some not-so-ridiculous advice. Going with the lesser of evils, I decided to look into some of the no-so-ridiculous advice and I was kinda/sorta/not really surprised at the number one answer on each list I found. Are you ready? Drum roll please...........
EXERCISE!!! Cue the confetti and balloons! Cue the music! Cue the tears!
OK not really....but really! DUH!!!!!!!!!
It was as if the multiple epiphanies all hit me at one and I may have actually seen God at one point. (Was that a little blasphemous?) I thought back to just when I started feeling these things....not one, but just over 2 months ago. Hmmmm...Sounds just about the time that I stopped exercising almost everyday. So, you're telling me that the reason I've felt so wonderful the whole last YEAR is because I was exercising? Sounds like I already have my answer. Honestly, I have never felt better than I have in this last year. I lost all of that weight, I had a new son, I was so healthy and I cared about my health. I still do....but proof is in the pudding right? Literally in the pudding in this case. In the last 2 1/2 months, I have gained 15 pounds back, stopped eating healthy (for the most part), and stopped exercising. No WONDER I feel like crap! I don't care who you are, when your "skinny" clothes that you were so excited to buy don't fit right anymore, it freaking sucks.
So, one day at a time here. Yesterday I had a wonderful, hilarious, OULA inspired dance party with my kids and today I'm sore. Maybe, if it's not disgustingly smokey (as it has been for over a month now here) I will go running tonight. Maybe, just maybe I can remember how wonderful I felt and start mountain climbing the crap out of this hole.
Simba...it is time. I cannot let myself be the frog.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Round 2....ish
Day one...again.
Plyometrics, I hate your guts. The worst part about this is that after taking a pathetic, hectic, crazy, hot month off, I seriously feel like it's day 1 all over again. But I'll tell you something else. It felt amazing. I was in the best mood I've been in in weeks. I was dripping sweat, chugging water...man it felt good! I'm not sure if I should continue this blog. All of you who read this know pretty much everything about me and my insanity by now. Should I continue? Should I keep spilling my thoughts and feelings and insecurities all over the Internet?
I feel the insecurities creeping back up inside of me. I'm not strong enough, good enough....
I don't have the will. I don't have the drive. I'm too busy. Well, right now I'm writing a blog. Earlier I played on Pinterest for 35 minutes. Nah...I'm not too busy, I just choose to be lazy. Here's another thing. I do not have time to sit down and prepare a meal JUST FOR ME while still having to concentrate on feeding 4 other people. I'm just gonna eat whatever the heck I want. Within reason of course. I'm not gonna go out and buy McDonald's and dip it in Mac n Cheese if you were wondering. No, I'm going to limit my portions, drink lots of water and every time I find my face in my fridge out of sheer boredom, I'm gonna slam the door...right on my face. Would putting mousetraps in the chip bag be too extreme? Maybe I just won't buy them anymore....decisions, decisions.
I think more than anything I'm just going to have to suck it up and do it. I think my kids might actually thank me for it in the long run like, "Mom...remember way back when you were doing those workouts and you were actually nice to us and didn't yell all of the time?" Maybe that's a little dramatic, but we'll see!
I am so thankful for the family and friends I have. They teach me new things everyday. It's sad that some days I have to remind myself to be grateful and to remember little moments. Today Ryan was holding Lucy and they were flying a kite together and it was just beautiful. I don't want to forget moments like those. I don't want to get so consumed with myself and looking good and always worrying about what I'm eating that I forget to stop and stare at the things that matter. Sure, my health definitely matters, but not more than my children and my husband. I take care of myself FOR them, but my fitness doesn't define me. THEY define me and I desperately hope that one day they WILL look back and say, "Man, my mom was amazing."
Truth be told I don't know why I just wrote all of that. Maybe it's just the most prominent thing on my mind these days, to be grateful for what you have. A high school teacher once told me, "Don't sweat the small stuff." As in, I don't have to yell at Lucy 18 times to get her underwear on. I don't have to yell at Kara to pick up her room or do the dishes for the 300th time...well...maybe on the 300th time because seriously, it should only take 1 or 2. I seriously just need to chill and relax and stop controlling every little thing and worrying about every OTHER little thing. It's exhausting. THAT'S what I don't have time for. I DO have time to work out. I DO have time to play with the kids. I WILL have time, someday, to sit back and relax and enjoy a sunset with out the soundtrack of screaming, fighting children. And you know what else? Someday I'm really gonna miss this. Love what you have, when you have it. Embrace life and life's lessons. Maybe my lesson is just to let go...life is good....life is fine. Breathe in...breathe out...open eyes...conquer day.
Plyometrics, I hate your guts. The worst part about this is that after taking a pathetic, hectic, crazy, hot month off, I seriously feel like it's day 1 all over again. But I'll tell you something else. It felt amazing. I was in the best mood I've been in in weeks. I was dripping sweat, chugging water...man it felt good! I'm not sure if I should continue this blog. All of you who read this know pretty much everything about me and my insanity by now. Should I continue? Should I keep spilling my thoughts and feelings and insecurities all over the Internet?
I feel the insecurities creeping back up inside of me. I'm not strong enough, good enough....
I don't have the will. I don't have the drive. I'm too busy. Well, right now I'm writing a blog. Earlier I played on Pinterest for 35 minutes. Nah...I'm not too busy, I just choose to be lazy. Here's another thing. I do not have time to sit down and prepare a meal JUST FOR ME while still having to concentrate on feeding 4 other people. I'm just gonna eat whatever the heck I want. Within reason of course. I'm not gonna go out and buy McDonald's and dip it in Mac n Cheese if you were wondering. No, I'm going to limit my portions, drink lots of water and every time I find my face in my fridge out of sheer boredom, I'm gonna slam the door...right on my face. Would putting mousetraps in the chip bag be too extreme? Maybe I just won't buy them anymore....decisions, decisions.
I think more than anything I'm just going to have to suck it up and do it. I think my kids might actually thank me for it in the long run like, "Mom...remember way back when you were doing those workouts and you were actually nice to us and didn't yell all of the time?" Maybe that's a little dramatic, but we'll see!
I am so thankful for the family and friends I have. They teach me new things everyday. It's sad that some days I have to remind myself to be grateful and to remember little moments. Today Ryan was holding Lucy and they were flying a kite together and it was just beautiful. I don't want to forget moments like those. I don't want to get so consumed with myself and looking good and always worrying about what I'm eating that I forget to stop and stare at the things that matter. Sure, my health definitely matters, but not more than my children and my husband. I take care of myself FOR them, but my fitness doesn't define me. THEY define me and I desperately hope that one day they WILL look back and say, "Man, my mom was amazing."
Truth be told I don't know why I just wrote all of that. Maybe it's just the most prominent thing on my mind these days, to be grateful for what you have. A high school teacher once told me, "Don't sweat the small stuff." As in, I don't have to yell at Lucy 18 times to get her underwear on. I don't have to yell at Kara to pick up her room or do the dishes for the 300th time...well...maybe on the 300th time because seriously, it should only take 1 or 2. I seriously just need to chill and relax and stop controlling every little thing and worrying about every OTHER little thing. It's exhausting. THAT'S what I don't have time for. I DO have time to work out. I DO have time to play with the kids. I WILL have time, someday, to sit back and relax and enjoy a sunset with out the soundtrack of screaming, fighting children. And you know what else? Someday I'm really gonna miss this. Love what you have, when you have it. Embrace life and life's lessons. Maybe my lesson is just to let go...life is good....life is fine. Breathe in...breathe out...open eyes...conquer day.
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| This, right here, is my world and what I strive to keep for all time. |
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